Dirt Alert: Friday, 5/27/16

From The Bowels of Human Excess

Mark Zuckerberg paid $14 million for his house.

Then he spent $20 million to buy four houses around him so he could use their backyards and keep them empty for privacy.

 

Charlie Sheen Has His Own Emojis . . . Called Sheenojis

Is CHARLIE SHEEN’s dope-fueled lunacy still marketable? We’re about to find out, because he just released a line of Emojis . . . called SHEENOJIS, of course.

The description says, quote, “Charlie Sheen’s official emoji keyboard app lets you share your inner Charlie with the world. Bring your tiger’s blood to a boil! Fire a torpedo of truth into the technosphere, and release your inner man’s man.

There are almost 100 Sheenojis. You can get that app at the iTunes store for 99 cents.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Finalize Divorce

Well, it is officially over for Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin.

The couple finalized their divorce this week after 12-years of marriage. Since Gwyneth and Chris were able to work out the division of their assets and property in private, the details of the settlement will not be released.

They will share custody of their kids.

 

Khloe Kardashian Files For Divorce — Again

Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian filed for divorce (for the second time) from her husband, Lamar Odom.

She had initially filed for divorce in December of 2013 amid rumors of Lamar’s infidelity and drug use. But, she called off the divorce after Lamar was found unconscious after a drug-binge in Vegas last October.

Now that Lamar is doing better, Khloe felt it was the right time to re-start the divorce proceedings.

Khloe listed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the divorce.

Freak Files: Friday, 5/27/16

gradycarsonA Guy Applied for a Loan to Buy Meth

58-year-old Grady Carson applied for a loan in Spartanburg, South Carolina on Wednesday.

It was at a title loan place that charges a crazy amount of interest, so not a great idea in the first place. But he had his car to use as collateral, so he probably would have been approved. But while he was filling out the paperwork, he wouldn’t stop pacing around the office.

Then while he was talking to one of the employees, he admitted that he needed the loan so he could go out and buy a bunch of METH. Obviously the place didn’t approve the loan request, and called the cops instead.

Then when the cops searched him, they found crack in his pocket, which he claimed he wasn’t going to smoke, because he smokes METH, not crack. Stupid Criminals!!!-

He’s facing charges for possession of narcotics.

 

Two Guys Steal Handcuffs, Then Get Stuck in Them

Two teenagers in Lisbon, Maine broke into about FIFTY cars earlier this month and stole a bunch of stuff.

But they weren’t master criminals, they were just idiotic teenagers, and we have proof!

They stole a pair of handcuffs out of one car. And when they started messing around with them, they accidentally cuffed themselves together. The cops were out searching for them, and found them behind a gas station, conveniently handcuffed together. Stupid Criminals!!!-

They had a bunch of the stuff they stole still on them so they were arrested!!

 

NoteA Burglar Is Arrested After He Leaves a Note For His Victim . . . and Signs It

It’s hard for someone to incriminate themselves worse than this burglar in Texas just did.

A guy from Austin, Texas got home earlier this month and found that someone had broken a window to get into his apartment and took his TV and some cash.

The burglar left something behind, though: A personalized note. He said he was mad at the guy for not letting him borrow $2. And at the bottom of the note, he’d actually SIGNED his name, Mark Kenady.

Anyway, that note was all the cops needed. They compared the signature to 56-year-old Mark Kenady’s DMV records, it matched, and he was arrested for burglary.

 

A High School Yearbook Included Quotes from Hitler, Stalin, and ISIS

Students at Quaker Valley High School near Pittsburgh got their yearbooks on Monday.  And three of the “inspirational” quotes that ran next to the senior photos were quotes from Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and ISIS.

Apparently they were all submitted by students, but the yearbook staff AND the teachers reviewed them.  And if you’re thinking they just didn’t realize who the quotes were from . . . the names of all three were printed right under them.

One quote was, “Words build bridges into unexplored regions.”  Which is probably the least crazy thing Hitler ever said.

Another quote was, “The unjust never prosper.  Be valiant.  Keep your word, even to your enemies.”  Which wouldn’t be bad if someone like Abraham Lincoln said it.  But it’s something the leader of ISIS once said.

And the Stalin quote was, “Ideas are more powerful than guns.  We would not let our enemies have guns, so why would we let them have ideas?”

The school is offering full refunds to anyone who wants one, and they’re also handing out stickers for students who’d rather just cover up the quotes.

(Check out photos of the quote by clicking here.)

Dirt Alert: Monday, 5/26/16

Is Rob Lowe In Talks to Be Kelly Ripa’s Permanent Guest Host?

“Entertainment Tonight” says ROB LOWE has the inside track on replacing MICHAEL STRAHAN on “Live!”.

He was reportedly in the running back in 2012 too, before they ultimately chose Michael. And it sounds like he’s interested . . .

This week, he said, quote, “I [guest]-hosted it with Kelly and had the time of my life. I love her . . . I love being able to talk to an audience every morning like that and just being fun, counter-punching, being silly, and talking about cool stuff.”

By the way, Kelly just announced that her upcoming guest co-hosts will include: Ryan Seacrest, D.L. Hughley, Joel McHale, and Alec Baldwin.

 

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are Getting Divorced

This may be a surprise to all of us, but JOHNNY DEPP and AMBER HEARD are getting divorced.

She filed on Monday, just three days after Johnny’s mother died. They were only married for 15 months, and she’s asking for spousal support, and he asked the judge to DENY that request. They didn’t have a prenup. Johnny is 52, Amber is 30.

There’s no word if Johnny and Amber broke up over the chaos that erupted when they illegally smuggled their two dogs into Australia . . . which resulted in their ridiculously awkward and insincere apology video.

 

Tabloid Trash #1: Brad and Angelina are Divorcing . . . Because Angelina is Smoking and Drinking Constantly

“OK!” magazine says it’s REALLY over this time between ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT because, quote, “she’s sick [and] he’s tired.”

According to those ever-informative anonymous sources, Angelina basically just smokes and drinks wine all the time, and she barely eats. She’s completely unhealthy and Brad is tired of it.

Oh, and more trash for you to process, Brad is supposedly having an affair with MARION COTILLARD. They just made a movie together called “Allied”. It comes out in November.

Freak Files: Thursday, 5/26/16

A Man Makes Teenage Burglars Call 911 To Report Themselves

A homeowner caught three 14-year-old kids burglarizing his home in Coos Bay, Oregon on Sunday afternoon, and he didn’t mess around.

The homeowner, who wanted to remain anonymous, was armed when he found the boys burglarizing his home, but he didn’t shoot. Instead, he forced the boys to call 911 to report the THEMSELVES for attempted theft.

The cops showed up and arrested all three of the teens on several charges including burglary, criminal trespassing, and marijuana possession.

 

Texas Man Hacks Electronic Road Sign To Read ‘Drive Crazy Y’all’

Generally speaking, those electronic roadside signs you see on highways and Interstates usually bare bad news or terrible puns.

So it sort of makes sense that 26-year-old Jeffery Eltgrothof decided to hack a roadside electronic message board to put up his own “funny” message. Jeffery successfully guessed the username and password of the signs and changed the message to say, “Drive Crazy Y’all.”

Somebody tipped off the cops about Jeffery’s computer tampering and when they caught up to him, he admitted to changing the message because he thought it was funny. The cops didn’t.

He was arrested and charged with criminal mischief for tampering with transportation communications equipment.

 

Breaking Tradition

Five Amish kids in Indiana got arrested last Friday after cops clocked their minivan doing 110 miles an hour in a 60 zone.

They also had several cases of beer with them, and a big bottle of whiskey. Amish teenagers!!!

The state troopers who arrested the boys had trouble contacting their parents because, well, they’re Amish, and Amish people don’t have phones because it’s against their religion.

Wet Nose Wednesday: Sable

Every Wednesday at 8:40, Guardian Angel Pet Rescue joins the Mike and Mandy show to showcase a special animal that needs a good home.

This week’s featured pet is Sable!

Sable

Sable is an eight week old male lab mix puppy that weighs 7 pounds. He came from a litter of eight that were found in an abandoned house. Sable is doing very well on kennel training and using puppy pads. He loves to play with toys and even uses one as his pillow at night. Sable is very sweet and can’t wait to find a home to call his own!

If you would like to adopt this week’s pet…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.


For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here
.

We couldn’t do Wet Nose Wednesday without the generous support of our sponsor, Dixie Memorial Pet Cemetery.

Dirt Alert: Wednesday, 5/25/16

Is Charlie Sheen Moving to a Retirement Home in Mexico?

Britain’s “Daily Mail” claims CHARLIE SHEEN is moving to Mexico.

They say he bought three homes next to each other in Rosarito, a quiet retirement community in Baja California. Charlie would make the middle house his primary home . . . and the other two are just so he won’t have any next-door neighbors.

His realtor says, quote, “He’s tired of the rat race of the United States and his life the way it is. He’s certainly not coming here to impress anyone with a huge mansion on the ocean.”

Charlie is only 50, so it’s early for him to “retire,” but then again his body has a LOT of mileage on it.

It’s unclear what Mexico thinks of this. Oh, wait a minute, maybe THIS is how DONALD TRUMP is going to get Mexico to pay for that wall . . . to keep Charlie Sheen OUT.

 

Bill Cosby Will Have to Stand Trial for Sexual Assault

All the accusations against BILL COSBY are FINALLY starting to actually go somewhere.

Yesterday, a Pennsylvania judge ruled that Cosby WILL have to go through a criminal trial for the alleged sexual assault of Andrea Constand.

She worked at Temple University back in 2004, and she claimed he invited her to his house, gave her some pills to “take the edge off” and sexually assaulted her. Of course, she’s one of more than 50 women to make claims against him.

Cosby is now free on $1 million bail. No trial date has been set yet. If he’s convicted, he faces up to 30 years in prison.

 

MC Hammer Has Turned His Back on Hammers . . . For Money!

Your universe is about to unravel.

MC HAMMER HATES HAMMERS. In a recent interview, Hammer said, quote, “Using hammers is always a scary proposition, man. You can hit your fingers. So I try my best to not have to hammer too many things.”

But that’s probably only because he’s a spokesman for new picture-hanging strips. Command hanging strips picture hangers that don’t use a hammer or nails. He even did a commercial for them where he says, “Stop hammer time!”

Freak Files: Wednesday, 5/25/16

A Woman Is Busted Smuggling a Meth Burrito Over the Border

Man, if Chipotle is going to charge an extra $2 to add guac to my burrito, I can only imagine how much this would run.

A 23-year-old woman named Susy Laborin from Nogales, Arizona was crossing the border from Mexico back into the United States on Saturday afternoon with a bag of burritos. For some reason, that made one of the border protection agents suspicious.

And apparently he’s got FANTASTIC instincts, because when they searched the burritos, they found one of them was stuffed with a pound of METH.

Susy admitted that she got paid $500 to take the burrito across the border. And she’s been charged with felony narcotics possession.

Click here to see pictures of Susy and the meth burrito.

 

Golf CartStupid Criminal – Stealing a TV In A Golf Cart

A 46-year-old guy named Michael Wayne Hawk broke into a house in Lady Lake, Florida on Friday, and stole a TV.

Then he put it in his getaway GOLF CART and drove away, straight into a pond. Michael swam away, and I guess he managed to salvage the TV too, because he ran off with it. But he left his golf cart behind, floating in the pond.

When the cops started investigating the burglary, they saw the tracks from the back of the house into the pond. Then they checked the registration on the cart, found it belonged to Michael, and went to his house.

When they got there, they saw the TV and his wet clothes. Stupid Criminals!!!!

He was arrested for burglary and grand theft.

 

Everyday Heroes – Guy Running Every Day Of His Life

57-year-old LENWORTH “KIP” WILLIAMSON of Saugus, Massachusetts, made a New Year’s resolution on January 1st, 1989 to run every day for the rest of his life.

10-thousand days later, he’s still going strong. Williamson says he runs regardless of the weather, and puts in at least 3 miles every day.

If you’re doing the math, 10-thousand days comes to 27-years!!! He promises to keep going as long as his legs work.

Dirt Alert: Tuesday, 5/24/16

Celebrity Diets

If you’re struggling with weight, you might want to try the “Jimmy Kimmel Diet!”

JIMMY KIMMEL might have discovered the easiest way to drop a ton of weight. Kimmel tells Men’s Journal magazine that he lost 25 pounds on the 5:2 diet, where he eats anything his little heart desires five-days per-week and just 500 calories on Mondays and Thursdays.

Jimmy says he’s “pretty unpleasant to be around” on fasting days, survives on coffee, pickles, peanut butter and apple and egg whites, but never hits the gym and hates exercise.

Be warned –lots of doctors don’t condone the diet, including celebrity physician DR. OZ.

 

Do You Confuse Helen Hunt for Jodie Foster?

Poor HELEN HUNT had a serious case of the Mondays yesterday.

Helen headed to Starbucks to kickoff the day and a barista implied she knew her name. Helen was shocked to see the word: “Jody” on the side of her cup and has been confused for JODIE FOSTER on more than one occasion.

BTW, the barista spelled ‘Jody’ with a ‘Y’, where Jodie Foster spells her name with an ‘IE’ at the end, but that’s Starbucks for ya!

 

Adele Will Sign The Biggest Contract EVER For A Female Artist

Adele is expected to sign a new contract with Sony Music for more than $130 million, making it the biggest deal for a female artist in music history.

A Sony Music source described the deal as “massive,” saying it will easily top Whitney Houston’s 2001 deal with Arista for $101 million.

The new deal will double Adele’s net worth.

Freak Files: Tuesday, 5/24/16

A Woman Wanted to Prove “Vegans Can Do Anything” by Climbing Mount Everest, and Died in the Process

Well this is pretty sad, but it might make you feel vindicated if you’re one of those who puts bacon on everything!

A 34-year-old woman named Maria Strydom from Australia was climbing Mount Everest last week because she wanted to prove that, quote, “vegans can do anything.” Unfortunately for her and her theory, she DIED up there on Saturday.

Apparently the high altitude caused some fluids to build up in her brain, which killed her right before she got to the top. For what it’s worth, it didn’t happen because she was a vegan.

 

A Fugitive Drug Dealer Jumped Off a Balcony . . . Right Into the Arms of the Police

38-year-old Thomas Martin from Fitchburg, Massachusetts has been on the run for THREE YEARS to avoid federal drug charges.

But last Wednesday, the state police found out where he was living, and they swarmed the place to arrest him. As soon as they busted in, Thomas knew, “The gig was up!” So he ran up to the second floor, climbed off a balcony, and tried to jump down to sweet freedom.

I guess he didn’t realize there were two COPS waiting down there. So he LITERALLY jumped right into their arms. They caught him on the fly and arrested him. Stupid Criminals!!!

Click here to see a great midair photo.

 

Alaska Inmate Escapes, Then Comes Back To Try To Free Others

You have to admire the selflessness of this prisoner.

A minimum security prisoner who escaped from a halfway house in Fairbanks, Alaska on Sunday morning came back 3 hours later to try and help his fellow inmates escape, too!

State Troopers say 20-year-old Joshua Yaska returned to the scene with an S-U-V big enough for all his inmate buddies. But a worker at the half-way house recognized him and alerted the state troopers.

Joshua tried to speed away but the troopers were immediately able to catch him and today he is in prison – a real prison, not a half-way house.

Freak Files: Monday, 5/23/16

Cat Intestines Are Not Jump Ropes

Learning has reached a whole new level of gross.

Winston Churchill High School in San Antonio, Texas, is being investigated after a video surfaced of students using a cat’s intestines as a jump rope during a school sanctioned lesson. The teacher was trying to prove how strong intestines are during anatomy class.

A spokesperson for the school said that no one will face punishment because there was no “ill will” meant but the school is going to update the lesson plan.

 

Screen Shot 2016-05-23 at 6.06.58 AMA Guy Got Locked Out of His Hotel Room, So He Tried to Shoot Through the Lock

We Americans sometimes leave the house and forget to take our keys . . . but we NEVER forget to take our guns.

A 35-year-old guy named Charles Richardson from Dunbar, West Virginia was on vacation in St. Petersburg, Florida last week. And he accidentally got locked out of his hotel room on Thursday morning.

So instead of going to the front desk and asking for another key like a normal person, he whipped out his handgun and tried to SHOOT through the lock. But it didn’t work, so he gave up and then shot out a window in the hotel for no particular reason.

The cops came and arrested him, and he got two felony counts of shooting a deadly missile in an occupied building, which is a weird way to describe this crime, but whatever. Stupid Criminals!!!

 

A High School Misspelled “School” on Their Diplomas

Ontario High School in Ontario, California had 550 seniors graduate last week.

And I guess it’s a good endorsement for the quality of education there that the kids immediately figured out there was something wrong with their diplomas.

Because the diplomas all came with nice red covers . . . that misspelled the word “school.” It’s on there as S-H-C-O-O-L.

The superintendent apologized, blamed it on the printing company, and said all of the kids will get new diploma covers.

Click here to see a photo.

Dirt Alert: Monday, 5/23/16

More Drama for Mariah Carey

MARIAH CAREY may have to postpone her summer wedding to fiancé JAMES PACKER.

Sources tell RadarOnline.com that there’s a wee bit of drama with ex-husband NICK CANNON, her second husband. Word is he refuses to finalize their divorce– and she feels it’s to deliberately sabotage her upcoming nuptials.

 

“Mr. Ed” Star Alan Young Has Died at 96

Actor ALAN YOUNG died this past Thursday, at the age of 96.

He was the star of the classic sitcom “Mr. Ed” in the 1960s. Well, the OTHER star, along with the talking horse. Alan played Mr. Ed’s owner, Wilbur.

Young died of natural causes at the Motion Picture and Television Home, which is a retirement community for people in the entertainment industry. He’d been living there for four years.

 

Jon Stewart Saved a Horse That Was Shot 100 Times with a Paintball Gun

JON STEWART and his wife saved a runaway bull last month, and now they’ve adopted an abused horse, which had been shot more than 100 times with paintballs at close range.

She had even lost an eye thanks to the abuse. The horse was named Lily, and she’ll be living at the animal sanctuary in New Jersey that they started after Jon left “The Daily Show” last year.

65-year-old Phillip Price was trying to sell her, and on Friday, he was convicted of animal cruelty. He was ordered to pay $13,234 for the horse’s care. There’s no word who shot the horse.

 

Eva Longoria Got Married in Mexico

EVA LONGORIA got married Saturday near Mexico City.

Her husband is a Mexican media mogul named Jose Baston. Eva’s dress was designed by Victoria Beckham, who was there along with her husband David. Other celebrity guests included Ricky Martin, Mario Lopez, Melanie Griffith, and Vanessa Williams, who sang Save the Best for Last during the ceremony.

This is Eva’s third marriage. Her previous husbands were actor Tyler Christopher and NBA star Tony Parker. She’s 41. Jose is 47.

(Check out some pictures here and here. And here’s video Melanie Griffith posted of the fireworks after the ceremony.)