A Man Spends $500 On A Football Tutor To Impress His Girlfriend. . . .

Yesterday in Brooklyn, a guy posted an ad on Craigslist offering $500 for a football tutor.

–Apparently his girlfriend once dated a college football player, and this guy LIED and said he was one too.   Only he wasn’t, and he knows NOTHING about football.

–Now he has to go with her to a Super Bowl party at her ex’s, and he desperately needs to learn about the game.

A Roller Coaster With Some Major Ups And Downs!!!!

It’s probably a PR stunt but after a test run of the U-K’s newest rollercoaster, some of the test dummies ended up decapitated, without limbs and “alarmingly damaged.”

–They’d had collisions with some of the extreme “near miss” spots the ride will eventually tout.

–Theme park officials say crews are fixing the problems and insist the $31-million-dollar roller coaster will be completely safe for its grand opening on Mar 15.

What Happens To A 17-Year-Old Girl Who’s Eaten Nothing but Chicken McNuggets Since Age Two

17-year-old Stacey Irvine of Birmingham, England was rushed to the hospital recently with breathing problems, and doctors found she was suffering from anemia.

–And they think her DIET might have something to do with the problem . . .

–Supposedly she’s eaten NOTHING but chicken McNuggets and French fries for 15 YEARS.  That means she NEVER eats fruits and vegetables.

–3 meals of nuggets and fries puts about 30% more fat and 80% more salt than you should have in your diet.  Plus one third the Vitamin C.

–Doctors put her on an urgent intravenous course of nutrients and vitamins.

Robert Hegyes . . . Epstein from “Welcome Back Kotter” . . . Has Died

ROBERT HEGYES . . . who played Juan Epstein on the classic ’70s TV series “Welcome Back Kotter” . . . died yesterday of an apparent heart attack.  He was only 60 years old.

–Robert’s brother said he was not in good health.

–Epstein was a member of the Sweathogs . . . a group of misfit students led by Vinnie Barbarino.  He was, of course, played by a young JOHN TRAVOLTA.

–For all you TV trivia buffs, the character’s full name was Juan Luis Pedro Felipo de Huevos Epstein.

.

Showbiz Photo of the Day:  Diabetes-Infested Chef Paula Deen Eats a Hamburger

Diabetic chef PAULA DEEN was photographed eating a burger and fries on a cruise ship earlier this week.  Does that bother you?

Check out the picture by clicking here.

.

Check Out Ashton Kutcher Partying in Brazil the Night After Demi Was Hospitalized

On the night after DEMI MOORE was hospitalized . . . ASHTON KUTCHER was having a blast.  He was in Brazil to shoot photos for a catalog . . . and he took in a BRUNO MARS concert.

–Someone got video of Ashton jumping around, fist-pumping, clapping and having a blast.

–Click here to see the video.

–A source says, quote, “Ashton is deeply concerned for Demi.  He still cares about her and wants the best for her.  But their marriage is ending and they are both moving on with their lives.”

A Husband Drives His Pregnant Wife to the Hospital . . . Films Her Giving Birth in the Moving Car . . . and Then She Gets Right on Her Cell Phone

On Friday afternoon, Jennifer Russell of Waxahachie, Texas started having contractions.  So her husband Zachary got her in the car and started driving her to the hospital, 45 minutes away.

–About 15 minutes into the drive, Jennifer realized the baby wasn’t going to wait.  So she delivered her own baby daughter, right there, riding shotgun IN THE MOVING CAR.

–While Zachary was driving . . . he FILMED THE BIRTH.  Then he posted it on YouTube.

–Zachary kept driving to the hospital, where Jennifer and the new baby, Willow, were admitted instantly.  Both of them are healthy.  Willow came in just under eight pounds.

–Watch the video by clicking here.  

..

You know you’re a stupid criminal if a 4-year old takes you down!!

A 4-year-old North Dakota girl helped police nail an alleged drug user.  Unfortunately, it was the little girl’s mother.

Cops pulled the family’s vehicle over and immediately recognized the strong odor of cannabis. That’s when the unidentified little girl gave officers the lowdown. “That’s mommy’s,” the girl said in reference to a glass pipe that cops found in the back seat. Then the girl said, “Mommy smokes weed all the time.”

20-year-old mom KAITLYN CAMPBELL was charged with felony child endangerment and misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia.

.

Was Demi Moore Hospitalized For Doing Whip-Its?

TMZ claims that DEMI MOORE ended up in the hospital for doing WHIP-ITS . . . which means she was inhaling NITROUS OXIDE. 

–A source says the nitrous caused a SEIZURE and Demi lapsed into semi-consciousness.  That’s when her friend called 911.

–Meanwhile, RadarOnline.com says Demi is being treated for ANOREXIA.  A source says, quote, “She has not taken care of her health at all lately and has lost a ton of weight.”

–Ashton is still in Brazi.  He has yet to comment on Demi’s problems.

Kim Kardashian Has Her Phone Set Up to Give Her Google Alerts About . . . Kim Kardashian

What’s important to KIM KARDASHIAN?  Apparently, it’s Kim Kardashian.  I know, weird, right?

–Someone took some pictures of Kim at a beauty salon in Santa Monica the other day, and in one of the photos, you can see the screen of her Blackberry.

–And what we can see on that screen is that Kim receives Google Alerts about HERSELF.  In other words, Google lets her know whenever someone writes an article about her.

–Check out a picture by clicking here.

.

Pat Sajak Admits to Having Hosted “Wheel of Fortune” Drunk

PAT SAJAK and VANNA WHITE have done “Wheel of Fortune” drunk.

–During an appearance on an ESPN program, Pat said he and Vanna would hit up a local Mexican restaurant between tapings.

–He said, quote, “They served great margaritas, so Vanna and I would go and have two, or three or six . . . and then come [back] and do the last shows, and have trouble recognizing the alphabet.”

–Sadly though, those days are over.

–Pat said, quote, “I’m getting a little older for this.  So, we don’t do that.  I would be hesitant to have anything to drink now.”

There’s an online calculator to see how long it takes Mitt Romney to make your annual salary . . . and how long it would take you to make HIS income.

.

For example, if you make $40,000 a year, it would take him 16 hours, 10 minutes, and 34 seconds.  And to make what he makes in a year, it would take you 541 years, six months, 12 days, six hours, and 20 minutes.

.

To check the calculator out for yourself, click here. 

Every Wednesday at 8:40, Guardian Angel Pet Rescue joins the Mike and Mandy show to showcase a special animal that needs a good home.

This week’s featured pets are WILLIE AND PATRICK

Willie and Patrick are two of the most adorable male Shih Tzus ever. They were both owner surrenders from the same home and have to be adopted together. They are very bonded, with Patrick always watching over Willie. Patrick is two-years-old and Willie is approximately five-months-old. Both boys are up-to-date on vaccinations and are heartworm negative and scheduled for neuter this week. They are very low maintenance and would make wonderful companions for any home. They came from a home with a young child. The family lost their home and had to surrender them to GAPR.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

Who’s The Guy With A Shrimp In His Pants???

Today’s nominee for Shoplifter of the Week is DWAYNE PORTER of Corpus Christi, TX, who tried to swipe a live lobster from the grocery store by stuffing it down his pants.

–Got it from a clerk at the seafood counter and then stashed it.  He was spotted in no time when someone noticed that the lobster tail was “protruding from his pants.”

–When police arrived to conduct a search –carefully, we assume– they also found a huge bag of fresh shrimp.

–Total price tag for the catch of the day: $57.91. The lobster was $15, so imagine how big that bag of shrimp was!

–Store employees threw out the seafood. Porter was arrested.

How One Dentist Saved A Whole Lot Of Money On His Patients Root Canals!!!

A dentist in Massachusetts has pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud . . . for using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts in root canals.

–What was his explanation?  “I was just trying to save money.”     

The Christmas Goat Has Been Found!!!

Here on The River we have “Domonique”, The Italian Christmas Donkey.  But you’ll be happy to know CURLY the Christmas Goat is safe and sound after disappearing back in December.

–Curly broke loose from a church Nativity scene in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, over the holidays.  Locals had all but given up on finding him.  But, Curly wandered onto a farm over the weekend, six-miles from the spot where he went missing.

–The four-year-old goat had lost some weight but was otherwise in good shape. Officials say he somehow managed to walk across a busy freeway and swim over a river.

Demi Moore Has Been Hospitalized for Stress and Exhaustion . . . and Maybe Substance Abuse 

DEMI MOORE was rushed to the hospital Monday night.  Her rep blamed STRESS and EXHAUSTION.

–But TMZ says there was more to it than that.  They claim 911 was called to Demi’s home Monday night at 10:45 due to SUBSTANCE ABUSE . . . and that’s what she’s seeking treatment for.

–A source says Demi was shaking and, quote, “acting like she was suffering from a seizure.”

–So what’s ASHTON KUTCHER doing while Demi is struggling?  He’s having a blast on the rain-soaked streets of Sao Paulo, Brazil.  Check out some pics by clicking here.

.

Heidi Klum and Seal Have a Prenup

“Us Weekly” says that HEIDI KLUM and SEAL have a prenuptial agreement.  Which is probably good for Heidi because she’s worth a LOT more than he is.

–Not that Seal is broke or anything.  He’s worth somewhere around $15 million.  But that’s nothing compared to Heidi.

–Thanks to her TV shows, jewelry line, modeling and other ventures, she’s amassed a fortune in the neighborhood of $70 million.

.

Khloe Kardashian Is Getting Her Own Radio Show in Dallas

If you don’t get enough of the KARDASHIANS on TV, then I’ve got good news for you, KHLOE KARDASHIAN is getting her own radio show.

–She’ll do whatever it is she’s going to do from Noon to 1:00 P.M. every weekday on MIX 102.9 in Dallas.  The show is called “The Mix Up with Khloe Kardashian Odom” . . . and it debuts on Monday.

–Sadly, it sounds like it’s only going to last through the NBA season, while her husband LAMAR ODOM plays for the Dallas Mavericks.  After that, they move back to L.A.  Lamar was traded from the Lakers before the season began.

.

BEST PICTURE

THE ARTIST

THE DESCENDANTS

EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE

THE HELP

HUGO

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

MONEYBALL

THE TREE OF LIFE

WAR HORSE

.

BEST ACTOR

DEMIÁN BICHIR                     A BETTER LIFE

GEORGE CLOONEY                THE DESCENDANTS

JEAN DUJARDIN                    THE ARTIST

GARY OLDMAN                       TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY

BRAD PITT                                MONEYBALL

.

BEST ACTRESS

GLENN CLOSE                        ALBERT NOBBS

VIOLA DAVIS                          THE HELP

ROONEY MARA                      THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO

MERYL STREEP                       THE IRON LADY

MICHELLE WILLIAMS        MY WEEK WITH MARILYN

.

SUPPORTING ACTOR

KENNETH BRANAGH           MY WEEK WITH MARILYN

JONAH HILL                            MONEYBALL

NICK NOLTE                             WARRIOR

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER        BEGINNERS

MAX VON SYDOW                 EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE

 .

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

BÉRÉNICE BEJO                      THE ARTIST

JESSICA CHASTAIN                THE HELP

MELISSA MCCARTHY          BRIDESMAIDS

JANET MCTEER                       ALBERT NOBBS

OCTAVIA SPENCER                THE HELP

.

BEST DIRECTOR

THE ARTIST                             MICHEL HAZANAVICIUS

THE DESCENDANTS           ALEXANDER PAYNE

HUGO                                       MARTIN SCORSESE

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS          WOODY ALLEN

THE TREE OF LIFE              TERRENCE MALICK

An 85-Year-Old Woman Fights Off a Moose With a Shovel . . . to Keep It From Stomping Her Husband To Death

Just about every day, 85-year-old Dorothea Taylor of Anchorage, Alaska, and her 82-year-old husband George Murphy take their two golden retrievers out to exercise.

–Last Friday, a moose knocked George down and was STOMPING him.  Even though Dorothea’s only five-feet tall and 97 pounds, she ran to help.

–She grabbed a shovel . . . and it WAS ON.

–She pounded the shovel on the road to make noise, and took a SWING at the moose.

–The first shot got it mad, and it reared up to attack.  So Dorothea kept swinging.  She said she mostly hit it in the backside.  The moose ran off and George is in the hospital with SEVEN broken ribs. 

–Click here to see some pictures of George and Dorothea.

.

Two Men Try to Rob a Waffle House …

I don’t mean to stereotype . . . but let’s stereotype!  If there’s ONE restaurant chain in this country where the customers might . . . just MIGHT be packing concealed weapons, it’s Waffle House.

–On Saturday, 29-year-old Kenneth Craig and 19-year-old Dante Williams of South Carolina didn’t think of that when they decided to try to ROB a local Waffle House.

–They busted in with their guns out, demanding money.

–But of course one customer had a gun on them . . . legally, thanks to his concealed weapons permit.  And he pulled it on the robbers.

–When Williams turned to the customer and pointed his gun at him, the customer FIRED.  The end-result:  One robber dead, the other arrested.

–The customer who shot Williams is not looking at any charges.

.

Man Arrested For Drunken Driving Third Time In Week

A California man is finding out that the third time is not always a charm, especially when it comes to drunk driving arrests.

–Sheriff’s officials say David Lakarnafeaux was taken into custody for drunk driving THREE times in just 5 days.  The most recent arrest happened on Sunday morning and that went along with his Tuesday as well as Thursday trips behind bars for the same thing.

–He was booked on Sunday on a 100-thousand-dollar bond.

Kevin Federline Was Rushed to the Hospital with Chest Pains.  Will He Die?

KEVIN FEDERLINE was rushed to the hospital with CHEST PAINS on Sunday.

–It happened in Australia, where your man K-Fed is participating in a celebrity weight loss show called “Excess Baggage”.  Kevin did his weight-loss challenge, which was running and catching a ball.  Then, K-Fed reportedly chest pains and a racing heart.

–But luckily for mankind, he did NOT suffer a heart attack.  He was kept at the hospital overnight as a precaution.

–Kevin is 33 years old, six feet tall and 231 pounds.

–Click here to see Kevin being treated by paramedics.

.

Kim Kardashian Says Her Marriage Couldn’t Be a Sham Because Her Divorce Was a “Bad Business Decision”

KIM KARDASHIAN is still defending her marriage against those who claim it was all just a SHAM.

–Kim says there’s no way the marriage was a gimmick because filing for divorce was a BAD BUSINESS DECISION . . . and she doesn’t make those.

–Yesterday on “Live!  With Kelly”, Kim said, quote, “I’m a smart businesswoman, I would have stayed married longer.  This was a bad business decision.  I really didn’t think following my heart would create this much backlash.”

.

Is Whitney Houston Broke? 

WHITNEY HOUSTON’S comeback didn’t quite materialize the way she’d hoped . . . and now, RadarOnline.com says she’s BROKE.

–A source says, quote, “Whitney’s fortune is gone.  Music industry heavy hitters are supporting her and her label is fronting her cash against her next album, but no one knows when that will be released.

–”She might be homeless if not for people saving her.  She is broke as a joke.”

Heidi Klum and Seal Are Breaking Up

At this point, no celebrity breakup should be surprising.  Still, HEIDI KLUM and SEAL have always seemed like that one famous couple that MIGHT actually make it.

–Well, they didn’t.  They announced yesterday that it’s over.  They said, quote, “While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. . . . . . blah, blah, blah.”

–Heidi and Seal got married in 2005, and they’ve thrown a big party to renew their vows every year since.

.

Marc Anthony Get a Statue of Liberty Tattoo To Celebrate His Liberty from Jennifer Lopez 

MARC ANTHONY reportedly got the Statue of Liberty tattooed inside his right wrist on New Year’s Eve . . . in part to celebrate his “liberty” from JENNIFER LOPEZ.

–Marc was with 24-year-old girlfriend Shannon De Lima, whom he calls “Statue of Liberty” because she, quote, “freed him from his past.”

–The tattoo also serves the dual purpose of covering a “Jennifer” tattoo that used to be there.

“American Idol” Lost Another 4 Million Viewers Thursday Night

“American Idol” continued to slip in the ratings with its second episode.  Last Thursday’s show attracted 17.7 million viewers.  That was down 4 million from Wednesday’s premiere, which had 21.6 million viewers.

–This season’s numbers are about 5 million viewers off last year’s.

–On Thursday, “The Big Bang Theory” had 15.9 million viewers, which means it was less than 2 million viewers away from upsetting “Idol”.