“AMERICAN IDOL” SURPRISE:  ELLEN DEGENERES HAS JUMPED SHIP:

A fascinating new wrinkle was added to The Simon Successor Search yesterday, when ELLEN DEGENERES announced that she’s QUITTING “American Idol”.

–She released a statement saying, “A couple months ago, I let Fox and the ‘American Idol’ producers know that this didn’t feel like the right fit for me.”

–On one hand, you’d think that “Idol” can’t be too thrilled with Ellen leaving since they’re already having enough trouble finding a replacement for SIMON COWELL.

–But on the other hand, perhaps the show is OK with the idea of overhauling the judges’ panel.  Ellen reportedly had FOUR more years on her “Idol” contract.

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A “FREE LINDSAY LOHAN” RALLY WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN OUTSIDE THE JAIL YESTERDAY…BUT NOBODY SHOWED UP:

Several websites claimed that there was supposed to be a “Free LINDSAY LOHAN” rally outside her jail yesterday afternoon.

–It’s not clear who called for it, or how they publicized it.  But they didn’t do a very good job…because according to E! Online, NOBODY SHOWED UP.

–Lindsay should be getting out within the next few days…possibly as early as Sunday.

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MARK WAHLBERG WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH MARKY MARK ANYMORE:

MARK WAHLBERG got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday…and he made it clear that he wants to distance himself from his days as the leader of MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH.

–He said, quote, “I don’t miss those days.  Although occasionally a show like ‘Glee’ does some of my songs, which is nice.  I have no involvement with any of that now.”

A WOMAN FINDS OUT HER HUSBAND HAS ANOTHER WIFE WHEN SHE SEES THE WEDDING PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK:

–There’s a woman in Cleveland, who recently found out her husband had gotten married to another woman…after she found their wedding photos on Facebook.

–Her husband was supposedly travelling a lot for work.  Down in the Tampa area, he started a relationship with another woman, and they decided to get married.

–They even had a wedding at Disney World in Orlando where she dressed as Sleeping Beauty and he dressed as Prince Charming.  (–So this guy’s not only a cheater, he’s obnoxiously cheesy.  And yet he found TWO wives.)

–He did a good job covering his tracks, but his new bride didn’t.  When Facebook changed its privacy policy to allow everyone to see everything you post, she didn’t set hers back to private.  So all of the photos were just out there to see.

–The woman in Cleveland obviously plans to get divorced from her husband.  They have two young children together.

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ANYONE CAN GET HIT MY A METEOR ONCE, BUT SIX TIMES!!!

A Bosnian man hit by six meteorites is convinced that aliens are targeting him!

–Since 2007, Radivoje Lajic’s home has been struck by a series of space rocks.  Experts are trying to figure out if there’s something specific about his house that attracts them, but Lajic believes he knows the answer.

–”I am obviously being targeted by extraterrestrials,” the 50-year-old said.  “I don’t know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense.”

–Yes, that makes total and complete sense.

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STUPID CRIMINALS:  A WOMAN SHOPLIFTS CLOTHES FROM A STORE…THEN SHOWS UP THE NEXT DAY IN THE SHOPLIFTED CLOTHES FOR A JOB INTERVIEW:

–Over the weekend, a 40-year-old woman…whose name hasn’t been released…went into a clothing store in Barrie, Ontario, Canada, and dropped off a resume.  Then she SHOPLIFTED SOME CLOTHES.  And then she left.

–The next day, she went back to the store for a job interview…WEARING the clothes she’d stolen the day before.

–And after her interview, on the way out of the store…she stole even MORE clothes.

–Later that day, the employees realized some merchandise had been stolen…and when they looked through their security tapes, they realized the thief was the same woman who’d just interviewed.

–They called the police, who were able to track her down pretty easily:  The store passed along her resume, which had her address and phone number. STUPID CRIMINALS!!

Drew Carey doesn’t mind that Bob Barker essentially said that Drew doesn’t make “The Price as Right” as exciting as he did.  Drew says, quote, “Bob Barker is great…he’s allowed to say what he wants.  I don’t think he really meant it.  Yeah, I love Bob Barker.  He can say whatever he wants, he’s Bob Barker.”  By the way, if you haven’t noticed, Drew has lost 70 POUNDS over the past six months or so on a strict no-carb diet

HONEY, HELP ME!!!!!!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, ”Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, ”Fix the lights now?  Does it look like I have ‘General Electric” written on my forehead?  I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

“Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Maytag written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.”

“I’m not a carpenter and I don’t  want to fix steps. Does it look like I have Home Depot written on my forehead?   I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you!  I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and he decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the hall light is working

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey, he asks, how did all this get fixed?”

“Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.  He offered to do all of the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

“So what kind of cake did you bake?”

She replied, ”Hellooooo…do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”

STUPID POLITICIANS

–Here’s a note for all you politicians listening:  if you’re going to steal your political opponent’s campaign signs, at least wear a mask.

–A hidden camera caught one candidate for a state House seat in Florida stealing his rival’s signs at night. The sheriff’s department is investigating the actions of Greg Brown and his wife, who were caught mere minutes after the campaign of Doug Broxson set up a surveillance cam.

–Brown, however, says he did nothing wrong because he removed the signs from the property of one of his own supporters who had agreed to a Brown-only zone.

–“I disposed of them,” he said. “Quite honestly, I may have put them in my own trash can at home.  I am not completely sure.”  Check out the video here:

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WHAT STATES ARE THE BEST AND WORSE PLACES TO RAISE YOUR KIDS?

Are you willing to move to a completely different state to make sure your kids are in the best possible environment to grow and thrive?  Let me rephrase that…are you willing to move to NEW HAMPSHIRE for the sake of your kids?

–According to an annual study by the Annie E. Casey Foundation…which is a nonprofit that promotes public policy reform to help children and families…New Hampshire is the best place for a kid to grow up.

–The study looks at child deaths, teen birthrate, children in poverty, high school dropout rates and more.

–Based on those statistics, the top five best states for kids are New Hampshire, Minnesota, Vermont, Utah and Massachusetts.  The bottom five are Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, Alabama and New Mexico.

–And overall, things look like they’re getting better in the U.S. for kids.  Since 2000, the child death rate has gone down 14%, the teen birth rate is down 10%, and the number of kids dropping out of high school is down 45%.

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A MAN IN FLORIDA WAS SHOT…SO HE DROVE HIMSELF TO KFC:

I never knew that KFC was this addicting, but after hearing this story, I’ll have to reconsider….

–On Tuesday night, a 35-year-old man got into a fight with an acquaintance over money in Fort Walton Beach, Florida.

–The acquaintance ended up SHOOTING the 35-year-old in his left side…and the 35-year-old man decided he needed to get help.

–So he mustered up every ounce of strength he had left, and drove himself to…KFC.

–It’s not clear whether he had the strength left to order anything, and he was probably just trying to get to the hospital.

–But once he stopped the car, he realized he needed an ambulance to get him the rest of the way.  So he called 911 and they picked him up at the KFC.

–His injuries were serious, but not life-threatening.  The police are still investigating.

EVEN MORE NEW TAPES IN MEL’S MELTDOWN

Some new MEL GIBSON audio surfaced yesterday.  But these are a little different:  These are ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES.

–These are the messages Mel left after he and OKSANA GRIGORIEVA got into a big fight on February 18th and she left for one of Mel’s other homes.

–And the rants are the same and the anger and lunacy are the same, but here’s the thing:  You can discredit Oksana for secretly taping Mel, but when he goes on a tirade on an answering machine, well, Mel has done this all to himself.

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CHRIS TUCKER OWES $11 MILLION IN BACK TAXES:

CHRIS TUCKER might want to round up JACKIE CHAN for another “Rush Hour” movie…because the IRS just hit him with an $11 MILLION tax bill.

–The Man says Tucker didn’t pay his taxes from 2001 to 2006.  But it’s not just Uncle Sam he owes money to.  It’s Uncle Arnold, too.

–Last year, the state of California hit him with a lien for $3.5 million in back taxes.

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DID LEVI JOHNSTON GET SOMEONE ELSE “IN TROUBLE” WHILE ON HIS “BREAK” FROM BRISTOL PALIN???

If the sitcom “Friends” taught us anything, it’s that being “on a break” from your relationship does NOT give you carte blanche to do whatever you want…because your actions WILL catch up to you once the break is over.

–The “National Enquirer” claims that BRISTOL PALIN is LIVID at LEVI JOHNSTON because he may have impregnated someone else while they were broken up.

–The other woman is Lanesia Garcia…a girl he dated before he hooked up with Bristol.  She’s pregnant, and Levi MIGHT be the father.  There’s at least one other candidate, though, so he isn’t “Up the River” yet.  We’ll keep you posted.

JESUS & THE REDNECK

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked,

“Is that Jesus sitting over there?  Wow, give him a cup of coffee on me!”

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,  “Is that Jesus over there?  WOW, give him a cup of hot tea.  My Treat!”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How’s about gettin’ me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?”  Sweet!  Give him a cold glass of Coke on my bill.”

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me…I’m drawin’ disability.”

Every Wednesday at 8:40, Guardian Angel Pet Rescue joins the Mike and Mandy show to showcase a special animal that needs a good home.

This week’s featured pet is Bailey.

Bailey is from a litter rescued from Tipton Shelter as a six week old puppy; she is now 10 months old and absolutely precious. Bailey is loving and very active. She loves to play and gets along great with the five dog friends she has made at her foster home. Bailey’s foster family also has four kids (13, 5, 3 & 2) and she loves playing with them too. Bailey sometimes gets just a little scared if the kids chase her and goes to her kennel. Bailey has a great personality and is working on house training and is doing well with crate training. She is learning to go to the door when she has to potty. When Bailey lays down with someone in the “people family” she loves to go up to their head and lay down with her head resting on their neck. Bailey wants nothing more than to be cuddled and loved. Her foster mom even puts her in her sweatshirt and carries her around. Bailey would stay in there for hours if she could. She can’t wait to get in your lap and cuddle as soon as possible. Bailey is a truly loving puppy and would be a great little snuggle bug for someone.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

DEATH AND TAXES!

A businessman in Britain decided to combine two sure things – death and taxes.

–He tried to avoid paying his taxes by burying his money in his deceased aunt’s grave!  The morbid dude planned to leave the cash in the church cemetery until the 20-year time-limit for tax investigations had passed.  Then, he’d dig it up.

–Unfortunately, his scheme saw the light of day much sooner than he had hoped.  Tax inspectors obtained permission to dig up the grave after receiving a tip and uncovered over $216,000 of the guy’s money.

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WANT A JOB AS A VODKA TASTER??

–Working conditions are strict with the Polish professional vodka tasters: No smoking, no coffee and no perfume.  They mess up the tasting process.

–Each sample is evaluated on the basis of its strength, taste and smell. The typical taster samples more than 20 bottles over an eight-hour shift.  If their taste buds give the all clear, bottling goes ahead.

Here’s the Freaky part:  Poland’s professional vodka tasters start their day at 6 am.!!!!

–Last year, around 250 million liters of vodka were sold in Poland, making the spirit second only in popularity to beer.

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A MAN BUYS NEGATIVES AT A GARAGE SALE FOR $45 . . . AND THEY TURN OUT TO BE WORTH $200 MILLION:

–Ten years ago, Rick Norsigian of Fresno, California, was at a garage sale.  He saw two small boxes containing film negatives of some cool California nature scenes.  The seller wanted $70, but Rick negotiated him down to $45.

–Then, when Rick got them appraised, the people who examined them were SHOCKED:  These weren’t just ANY film negatives, they were taken by ANSEL ADAMS . . . one of the most famous photographers of ALL TIME.

–So Rick’s $45 purchase is valued at . . . ready for this . . . at least $200 MILLION.

–The photos show Yosemite National Park and San Francisco, and were taken by Adams in the early 1900s, before he became famous.  Experts had always believed the negatives from early in Adams’s career were destroyed in a fire.

–Rick plans to cash-in by selling original prints from the negatives to museums and collectors. (–You can see some of the photos here . . .)

THE SKIRT ZIPPER!

A blonde was waiting for the bus and as the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, the blonde reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, the blonde once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With a little smile to the driver, the blonde again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

The blonde went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan, yelling: ‘How dare you touch my body?! I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.’

AND NOW . . . A COUNTRY SONG FROM GWYNETH PALTROW:

Sometimes an actor will do their own singing for a movie they’re starring in, and it works. For example, SISSY SPACEK won an Oscar for playing LORETTA LYNN in “Coal Miner’s Daughter” . . . and did a great job singing the title track.

–And that brings us to GYWNETH PALTROW, who does her own singing in a new movie called “Country Strong”, where she plays a washed-up country singer.  It co-stars TIM MCGRAW and “Gossip Girl” LEIGHTON MEESTER.

– The song comes out next month, and the movie is due December 22nd.

(–The song includes background vocals from Vince Gill and Patty Griffin.)

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LINDSAY LOHAN WANTS TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH HER FAMILY WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF JAIL:

LINDSAY LOHAN will be free within the next few days.  They’ll probably spring her on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday.  And she’s expected to check herself into a rehab facility as soon as possible.

–But Lindsay is hoping to have a little time between prison and rehab.  Her attorney says, quote, “She’s a little upset right now.  I think it would only be fair for her to spend some time with her family and that’s what she’d like for me to emphasize to [the] judge.”

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BOB BARKER SAYS DREW CAREY DOESN’T MAKE “THE PRICE IS RIGHT” AS “EXCITING” AS HE DID . . . BUT HE DOESN’T MEAN THAT AS A SLAM:

If you think “The Price Is Right” has become a little MUNDANE ever since DREW CAREY replaced BOB BARKER in 2007 . . . well, Bob Barker would AGREE.  (!!!)

–Someone recently asked Bob how he thought Drew was doing . . . and Bob was maybe TOO honest.  He said, “He does the show differently than I did.  I tried to make the show really exciting, and he doesn’t do that.  He just plays the games.”

–When that comment made the rounds online as a dis . . . Bob “clarified” the comment, telling “Entertainment Weekly” that he was NOT criticizing Drew.

–He said, I would not criticize CBS . . . because I have a sizable royalty that I am paid every year this show is on, and it’s going on for years.  I would be an absolute fool.

(–Here’s video of Bob giving his critique of Drew . . .)

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=e9a41ac7-42ca-4975-8f6b-6eccc816924d&isShareURL=true

STUPID CRIMINALS!!!

Think you’ve heard it all when it comes to stupid criminals?  Well you’re wrong.  There’s always plenty more stupid where that came from.  Take these brilliant minds, for instance. Three women thought they’d pulled a fast one on a Waffle House in Missouri by dining and dashing. But they must have dashed out a little too quickly because two of them left their purses behind! The manager said they seemed to be intoxicated, and cops said they found IDs in the purses.

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HOW DOES A GUY CALL FOR HELP WHEN BOTH HANDS ARE HANDCUFFED BEHIND HIS BACK???  STUPID CRIMINALS PART TWO!!!

Meanwhile, how stupid do you have to be to get arrested with your own handcuffs?

–Twenty-five-year-old Shawn Martines of Florida called on cops to help free him from the cuffs, which a woman had put on him. (We won’t ask.)

–Before uncuffing him, a deputy patted him down for weapons and ended up finding a hypodermic needle and nine Xanax pills.

–One less step for the cop.  He kept the cuffs on Martines and took him to jail on drug charges.

CRAZY COMMUTERS THAT ARE NOT FROM MEMPHIS

Cops in Switzerland are furious after a truck full of melons lost its load on the highway, causing a traffic jam.

–But, it wasn’t the truck driver –or even the spill itself– that angered police.  Apparently, a group of motorists pulled over right after the accident, and started loading the melons into their cars.

–Cops say the melon-frenzy caused the incident to be a lot worse than it should have been.  An extra unit had to be dispatched to help secure the site and clean up the loose fruit.

IN NEW AUDIO RELEASED YESTERDAY, MEL GIBSON SAYS HE REGRETS HAVING A CHILD WITH OKSANA GRIGORIEVA:

More MEL GIBSON audio was released yesterday.  In this clip, Mel tells OKSANA GRIGORIEVA, quote, “I’m so (effing) sorry I had a child with you.”

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LINDSAY LOHAN WILL NOT BE GETTING OUT OF JAIL THIS WEEK:

Forget about LINDSAY LOHAN getting out of jail this week.  A spokesman for the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department says, quote, “Nothing has changed.  When she was incarcerated I said a couple of weeks and it hasn’t been a couple of weeks. “That turns out to be the first part of next week.  It could be Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, something like that.”

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NIGEL LYTHGOE IS RETURNING TO “AMERICAN IDOL” AS AN EXECUTIVE PRODUCER:

NIGEL LYTHGOE is returning to “American Idol” as an executive producer…a post he held from the beginning of the series until 2008.  Even though he now plays the SIMON COWELL-esque snarky British judge on “So You Think You Can Dance”, nobody expects him to take Simon’s position on the “Idol” judge’s panel.  His involvement will strictly be behind the scenes.  In recent months, Nigel has talked about replacing ALL the judges.  Back in April, he said, “I think over the last couple of years, the show has been about the judges, it shouldn’t be about the judges.  It should be about the young talent.”  As for the current panel, Randy Jackson has a year left on his contract…Kara has a year-to-year deal that hasn’t been renewed for 2011…and Ellen still has several years left on her contract.

THE  PRIEST  AND  THE  BUS  DRIVER

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time.

They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them and immediately shows the priest 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.

St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.”

The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy it!”

St. Peter then shows the bus driver 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true.

St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?”

St. Peter just laughs and says “You brought more souls to Heaven!  You see, when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep.

But when you drove your bus, everyone prayed!”

LINDSAY LOHAN’S ATTORNEY SAYS SHE’S NOT GETTING SPECIAL TREATMENT:

There’s a story going around that LINDSAY LOHAN is getting special treatment behind bars, and the other inmates are fed up with it.

–A relative of one of the inmates told “People” magazine, quote, “All the inmates are sick of Lindsay.  It’s almost like Lindsay Lohan’s here, but she’s not.  Like if she even moves, they put the whole facility on lockdown.

–However, a spokesman for the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department says they don’t even do lockdowns at Lindsay’s facility…and he adds, quote, “It’s business as usual.  Lindsay’s getting no special treatment.”

–Lindsay’s attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley says, quote, “She’s doing well, she’s doing fine.  Her outlook is definitely more positive…She has made some friends.”  (–It’s not clear how Lindsay has made friends, since she’s supposedly segregated from the other inmates.)

LINDA HOGAN IS ENGAGED TO HER 21-YEAR-OLD BOYFRIEND:

This is for all you cougars out there:  50-year-old LINDA HOGAN is engaged to her 21-year-old boyfriend Charlie Hill…whom her own children went to school with.

–Supposedly, they’re getting married next summer on board her new yacht, which is named “Alimoney”.  (–Yes, that’s the correct spelling.)

–For the record, Linda’s not the only one in her family who’s involved in a creepy relationship.  Her ex, HULK HOGAN, will be 57 in just over two weeks…and he’s engaged to a 36-year-old woman who looks a little too much like his daughter BROOKE.  (–Here are some pictures of Hulk, his girlfriend and his daughter . . .)

WYNONNA JUDD WAS INVOLVED IN A HEAD-ON COLLISION LAST WEEK…BUT SHE’S OKAY:

This happened last week but the news didn’t come out right away.  WYNONNA, her tour manager and her daughter Grace were involved in a head-on collision last Wednesday in Salt Lake City.  Fortunately, all three survived without serious injury.

–They were headed to a sushi restaurant when the accident occurred.  All three were taken to the hospital and released later that night.

–For some reason, Wynonna wouldn’t give the details about what happened.  She said, quote, “I can’t go into that.  What I can tell you it was pretty dramatic but I’m okay.  I know everybody wants to know details…I’m sure I’ll talk about it on a talk show somewhere down the road.

–Wynonna was well enough to honor all of her concerts over the weekend.

DARTH VADER ROBBED A BANK IN NEW YORK:

Apparently DARTH VADER’S change of heart at the end of “Return of the Jedi” is over.  He’s back to being EVIL.

–Last Thursday morning, he robbed a Chase Bank on Long Island, New York.  Okay…it was just a guy dressed in a Darth Vader costume, with the black helmet, the robes, and a cape.

–Around 11:30 A.M., Vader walked into the bank, pulled out a semi-automatic handgun, and demanded some cash.  The teller gave him an undisclosed amount of money, and he took off.

–And if that wasn’t evil enough, Vader made the teller put the money in a bag with the NEW YORK YANKEES logo.  (–And, as all baseball fans know, they’re the TRUE Evil Empire.)

–Customers in the bank at the time thought it was a joke at first…one of them even tried to HUG Darth before he shoved the guy away, pulled out the gun, and said, quote, “I will shoot you in the face.  This is not a joke.”

–Police haven’t been able to figure out who he is. 

(–Here are some surveillance photos from the robbery . . .)

IN AUSTRALIA, EVERYONE NOW LEAVES WORK AT 3:00 P.M. ON FRIDAYS TO GO DRINKING:

How come the workers in every other first-world country seem to have it WAY better than us?

–Check this out.  In Sydney, Australia, pretty much every business has replaced Casual Friday with something called LAZY FRIDAY.

–What it means is:  Every single Friday, at 3:00 P.M., everyone leaves work to go drinking.  You couldn’t even stay late if you wanted to…all the offices shut down and it’s considered poor form to make a business call after 3:00 on a Friday.

–Chris Taylor is a spokesman for the Sydney Chamber of Commerce and, he says, these Lazy Fridays are doing INCREDIBLE things for workers’ morale.

–Quote, “With workplace flexibility on the rise, businesses are finding more social options to balance the working life.”

(–Meanwhile, in the U.S., we get fewer vacation days than pretty much any other country.)

IN COLORADO, A FAMILY GETS CARJACKED…BY A BEAR:

On Friday, the Story family in Larkspur, Colorado, was carjacked by…A BEAR.  Apparently, the bear smelled a peanut butter sandwich in the backseat of the Storys’ 2008 Toyota Corolla.  The car was in the family’s driveway; they were asleep at the time.

–The bear somehow managed to open one of the doors, which was unlocked.  Bears are so food-crazed that when they smell something to eat, they have the ability to figure out how to open up houses, cars, or pic-a-nic baskets.

–Once the bear was in the Corolla, he inadvertently knocked the shifter into neutral.  The car started rolling away, with the bear at the wheel.

–The car went off the road and into some bushes.  And the door he’d opened slammed back shut when the car stopped…which trapped the bear in the car.

–The bear completely trashed the interior of the car before he got out…and left, quote, “a present” on the driver’s seat.

–The bear escaped back into the woods.  (–Here’s a photo of the bear inside the car, just RAVAGING the interior . . .)

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

Demi Moore (47)

Toni Braxton (43)

Sheryl Crowe (48)

Selma Hayek (43)

Raquel Welch (69)

Ramona Singer (53)

Kathy Griffin (49)

Holly Robinson Peete (45)

Halle Berry (43)

Here are the 25 Worst-Aging Actors in Hollywood.  These are guys who, supposedly, aren’t getting sexier with age.

25.  Tom Berenger

24. Russell Crowe

23.  Frankie Muniz

22. Mickey Rourke

21. Nicolas Cage

20.  Jack Nicholson

19.  Chris Cooper

18.  Steven Segal

17.  Dick Van Patten

16. Carrot Top

15.  Hayden Christensen

14. Nick Nolte

13. Harrison Ford

12. Jeremy London

11. Brenden Fraser

10.  Johnny Depp

9.  Burt Reynolds

8.  Val Kilmer

7.  Jonathan Lipnicki

6.  Judd Nelson

5.  Jeffery Jones

4.  Anthony Michael Hall

3. Mel Gibson

2.  Sean Penn

1.  Omar Sharif

LINDSAY LOHAN IS GOING TO MAKE BIG BANK OFF HER JAIL TIME:

Before LINDSAY LOHAN went up the river, she made sure there would be some big money waiting for her when she got out.

–A source says, quote, “On Monday night, the night before she had to report to jail to serve her sentence, she tied up all loose ends and signed contracts for exclusive television and print stories.

–”Lindsay is going to tell everything about her experience in jail, she will open up about her entire life.”

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OH DEAR LORD:  SARAH PALIN AND KATE GOSSELIN HAVE TEAMED UP FOR A TELEVISED FAMILY CAMPING TRIP:

Two of the most frequently mocked women in America are taking their families camping.  And, assuming their unholy alliance doesn’t bring about the rapture, TLC is going to show us the results.

–According to “In Touch”, SARAH PALIN and KATE GOSSELIN both took their families on a camping trip in Alaska . . . with camera crews in tow.

–And, yes, this is a “Flintstones Meet The Jetsons”-style crossover . . . both of these women have reality shows on TLC.  The camping footage could, in theory, be on both “Kate Plus 8″ AND “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”.

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WHAT IF FAITH HILL NEVER MADE IT???

–FAITH HILL may be a big-time super star with a handsome husband, three beautiful daughters and a fat bank account, but life before fame wasn’t easy.

–People magazine reports the country cutie once played a gig in Raleigh, Mississippi, where she hopped onstage right after a tobacco spitting contest!