It’s not just people that keep getting fatter –animals are becoming obese too.

–An overweight orangutan in England has been put on an extreme all-veggie diet.  Experts say the 220-pound primate weighs twice as much as a normal, healthy orangutan.  That officially makes OSHINE Britain’s fattest non-human primate.

–Zookeepers at the Monkey World Ape Rescue Center say Oshine picked up all the extra baggage during a 13-year stint as a pet in South Africa. Apparently, she ate all the wrong foods, and lots of it.

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A WOMAN’S RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS AT A GROCERY STORE TURNS INTO $100,000 FOR CHARITY:

Last summer, Carolee Hazard of Menlo Park, California, was in line to buy groceries at Trader Joe’s.  The woman in front of her was named Jenni Ware, and Jenni had forgotten her wallet.

–So Carolee decided to help Jenni out…even though she was a total stranger…and paid for all $207 of Jenni’s groceries.

–The next day, Jenni paid Carolee back…but gave her $300, or $93 more than Carolee had spent on her.  So Carolee went to Facebook and asked her friends what she should do with the extra money.

–Some people suggested charity.  So she decided to match the $93 with $93 of her own, and donated $186 to the local Second Harvest Food Bank.  She told her Facebook friends that was her plan.

–One friend decided to match the $93.  Then another.  Then another.  Within a year, Carolee’s “93 Dollar Club” had raised more than $100,000 to donate to the food bank.

–Now, she’s going to push to raise $200,000.  Quote, “That amount will provide 400,000 meals or enough to feed 100 families of four for a year.”

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MOM, DAD, IF YOU’RE DRIVING WITH YOUR KIDS, ASK THEM, “DO YOU KNOW COL. SANDERS?”  WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT THEY DON’T KNOW?

Look, I understand that today’s young people don’t know their history very well. They think Samuel Adams is a beer and “Nazi” is just a generic term to describe anyone who’s mean to you.  We get it.

–But THIS lack of knowledge is just shocking and appalling.  According to a new survey by KFC, more than 60% of people aged 18 to 25 have no idea who the guy is in the KFC logo.  That’s right:  They don’t recognize COLONEL SANDERS.

–In case you’re one of the people who don’t know, KFC was founded by COLONEL HARLAND SANDERS.  And yes, he did have white hair, a white beard, a white suit, black glasses, and a string tie.

–He developed his recipe for fried chicken around age 40, franchised his restaurants at age 65, and sold his company at age 74.  He died at age 90…and he would’ve turned 120 years old yesterday.

What size battery does it take to shock Ole Miss?

AA

Jacksonville State who??

• TOM BRADY was involved in a pretty bad car accident yesterday morning in Boston, but he’s okay.  One of the other people involved wasn’t so lucky, though.

• Tom’s Audi collided with a minivan at an intersection shortly before 7:00 A.M.  The driver of the van was okay, but a 49-year-old male passenger was knocked unconscious.

• He had to be removed with the JAWS OF LIFE and taken to the hospital.  His injuries were said to be serious, but not life-threatening.

• The accident was NOT Tom’s fault.  The van driver ran a red light and crossed in front of Tom, who had the green.  Tom even tried to swerve to get out of his way.

• It turns out this guy…the 21-year-old son of the man who was hospitalized…has multiple moving violations on his record, and he’s had his license suspended at least FIVE TIMES in the last three years.

• Brady was well enough to practice with the Patriots yesterday afternoon, and nobody’s saying anything about him missing their opening game on Sunday at home against the Bengals.

(–TMZ posted some video from right after the accident… WARNING!!!  This video is slightly graphic.  You can see the unconscious man, and there’s a little bit of blood on his head . . Check it out here:)

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=1871f0e8-5e0b-4ed7-a76a-8bc5f5d91240&isShareURL=true

(–And here are some pictures . . .)

(–Brady got some GOOD news later in the day yesterday.  He signed a four-year contract extension with the Patriots.  The deal is worth $72 million…and $48.5 million of that is guaranteed salary.)

(–That makes Tom the highest-paid player in NFL history.)

CAN A HUMAN WITHSTAND BEING STUNG 500 TIMES BY WASPS?

A Boston-area woman is lucky to be alive after being attacked by a swarm of wasps.

The unidentified 53-year-old was found almost unconscious near her house over the weekend.  Rescuers confirmed she was stung over 500-times by the yellow jackets.  A spokesperson said, “We’ve had some minor stings and a handful of bees before, but nothing to that extent.”

–Firefighters were able to get most of the insects off of her by spraying them with a carbon dioxide fire extinguisher.  But, there were so many wasps that a few were found still hiding in her clothing later that night at the emergency room.

WHO’S THE BOSS IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

A woman in Florida is marrying the man who once fired her from her job!

–Kelly Irish was terminated from the West Winds Assisted Living Facility in 2007 by a boss she barely knew.  She was crushed at the time, but moved on with her life.

–One night, nearly a year after she was fired, she entered her name on a dating site and took a personality test in the hopes of finding her “perfect match.”  When she saw the results, she was mortified.  It was Casey O’Keefe, the same man who fired her!

–They started dating despite their past, and now they’ll be getting hitched at the same facility where they met. I rish eventually did get her job back.

IMAGINE A SIGN AT A RESTAUARANT THAT SAYS, “SCREAMING CHILDREN WILL NOT BE TOLERATED”

–Brenda Armes is the owner of Olde Salty in Carolina Beach, and she was sick of people bringing in their loud, annoying, undisciplined children and ruining everyone else’s meals.  So she decided to BAN screaming children from her restaurant.

–There are two signs in the window now that read, quote, “Screaming Children WILL NOT Be Tolerated” and “Notice to all children and adults.  There will be no crying, screaming, whining.”

–Of course, anytime you mess with people’s kids, there’s going to be some blowback.  Several people have complained about the policy and think it’s unfair or discriminatory.

–But Brenda says that, so far, it’s been a GREAT business move.  Quote, “It’s brought us in more customers than it has ever kept away.”

–If someone brings a child to Olde Salty and the kid starts screaming, a manager will come over and ask the parent to take the kid outside until he calms down.  Once he does, they can go back inside and keep eating;  they won’t be kicked out.

IS KAT VON D PREGNANT???

This would REALLY be a slap in SANDRA BULLOCK’S face . . . and it comes from “Us Weekly”, so it’s probably not true . . .

–So-called “sources” are starting to wonder if KAT VON D is pregnant with JESSE JAMES’ baby.

–Supposedly, she’s been showing a slight belly-bump lately…and people are wondering if that’s why Kat and Jesse came out so suddenly and so enthusiastically about their relationship.

SNOOKI GOT OFF EASY IN HER DISORDERLY CONDUCT CASE . . . AFTER FIRST BEING *BERATED* BY THE JUDGE:

“Jersey Shore” party animal SNOOKI was in court yesterday . . . answering to misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct, being a public nuisance, and criminally annoying others.  (–And no, that’s not a joke.  That’s a real criminal charge.)

–Snooki was looking at a maximum sentence of $3,200 in fines and 90 days in jail . . . but she got off easy.

–But not before being BERATED by Judge DAMIAN MURRAY.  He said, quote, “Your actions . . . I don’t know . . . you seem to be acting like a LINDSAY LOHAN wannabe.  Going through life rude, profane, obnoxious and self-indulgent . . . it’s not the way you want to live your life. And hopefully this incident will impress upon you that there are consequences to your actions.”

(–You can watch video of Judge Murray’s lecture, here . . .)

–Snooki was slapped with a $533 fine . . . and two days of community service with local animal control. 

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RODNEY ALLEN RIPPY IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION FOLLOWING A DIRT BIKE CRASH:

Remember RODNEY ALLEN RIPPY . . . the adorable kid who did a series of TV ads for the Jack in the Box fast food chain back in the ’70s?

–Well, Rodney is 42 years old now . . . and in CRITICAL CONDITION following a dirt bike accident in North Carolina.

–The accident happened on Monday, but Rodney didn’t go to the hospital until yesterday, when he started having trouble breathing.  Turns out he suffered a punctured lung and several broken ribs.

–There’s no further word on his condition, but TMZ says he’s, quote, “recovering” in the trauma unit . . . so we’re assuming he’s getting better.

(–Here’s one of Rodney’s CLASSIC commercials . . .)

CLINT EASTWOOD COULD HAVE BEEN SUPERMAN *AND* JAMES BOND IF HE’D WANTED TO:

CLINT EASTWOOD can do anything.  We know this.  But would you have accepted him as Superman or James Bond?  Because he was offered both parts back in the ’70s, and he turned them down.

–He didn’t say why he opted out of “Superman”.  But he explained why he said no to Bond . . . quote, “I was offered pretty good money . . . This was after SEAN CONNERY left.  My lawyer came and said, ‘They would love to have you.’

–”But to me, well, that was somebody else’s gig.  That’s Sean’s deal.  It didn’t feel right for me to be doing it.”

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. His face was covered with wrinkles, his hands trembled as he held the newspaper in his lap.  His graying hair falling into his eyes….but, he had a huge smile on his face.

“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said.

“What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

This week’s featured pets is Bing Bing.

Bing Bing is a 2 year old, 26 lb. Collie mix that prefers the ladies. He loves attention and petting, but also likes to have some quiet time. He was rescued ( with the owner’s permission)from a multi-dog home where due to his owner’s severe illness, the dogs were being left in the yard uncared for, except for some neighbors giving them some food and water. He had heart worms but has had all treatments, and is now on the monthly prevention pills. He has been neutered and is current on all immunizations and his monthly flea topical application. He prefers to be an inside dog, but can manage in a yard, as long as he gets regular attention.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

STUPID CRIMINALS!

Last week, the police in Naperville, Illinois, pulled over 24-year-old Lucas Wright in his 2006 Honda Accord.  Lucas was doing ONE HUNDRED miles-an-hour in a 50 mph zone.  And he gave them a perfectly logical explanation…at least in his eyes.

–The police say that Lucas told them, quote, “He’d just gotten his car washed and he was trying to dry it off.”  And he wasn’t lying…when they checked out his car, it was, in fact, wet.  And it was still drying when they impounded it and towed it away.

–Lucas was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor for going 40 miles-per-hour or more over the posted limit.

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IS YOUR GRANDMA A ROBBER???

This grandma isn’t the type to sit home and knit.  She’s more the type to join her grandson on a burglary spree.

–Lee Pires, 57, her grandson Adrian Martin, 21, and his pal Timothy Morrison, 19, were accused of stealing $9,000 worth of jewelry, cash and electronics over a span of three days in Massachusetts.

–Cops arrested the grandson after following the vehicle believed to be involved in the break-ins to a computer repair store.

–Pires and Morrison were arrested inside the store.  About 95 percent of the stolen items were returned. As for Granny, she’ll have to spend some time in jail.(–Maybe she can take up knitting!)

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STUPID WAYS TO DIE

In a classic case of ‘famous last words’, a man fell to his death after asking friends to count how long he could hold on to a balcony railing.

–26-year-year-old KEVIN LOUIS was vacationing on the Spanish island of Majorca. Witnesses confirm he purposely climbed over the railing before plunging 30-feet to the ground below.

–Friends say it happened so fast, they didn’t have time to talk him out of it.  Police say alcohol was probably a factor.

A woman finds a genie’s lamp. The Genie comes out and says, “You may have 3 wishes, but your husband will get 10 times more than what you wished for.”

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world.

“You realize,” the Genie said, “that your husband will be 10 times more beautiful than you?

“That’s okay,” says the woman, “He’ll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful woman.”

So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world.

“You know your husband will be 10 times richer, right?” the Genie asks.

“That’s okay. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine,” replied the woman.

So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish.

She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

BILLY RAY CYRUS IS GOING TO DO ANOTHER SHOW WITH ANOTHER ONE OF HIS KIDS:

BILLY RAY CYRUS is moving on to do another TV show with another one of his kids.

(–I’m going to pause so you can say to yourself, “Now that he’s milked everything he can from MILEY.”)

–Billy Ray and his 21-year-old son TRACE…who’s in that band METRO STATION…are doing a documentary-style show for the SyFy channel where they investigate all kinds of weird and unexplained phenomena.

–It’ll be called “UFO:  Unbelievably Freakin’ Obvious”.  (???) There’s no word yet on a premiere date.

(–Trace is not Billy Ray’s biological son.  He’s from the FIRST marriage of BILLY RAY’S wife TISH.  Billy Ray adopted him, which makes him Miley’s half-brother.)

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DAVID LETTERMAN USED HIS APPEARANCE ON “THE VIEW” TO REVEAL…THAT HE WANTS TO HAVE MORE KIDS:

DAVID LETTERMAN made his first appearance on “The View” yesterday…and during the interview, he mentioned that he’d like to have more children.

–He said, quote, “I feel in every important way, your life doesn’t really begin until you’ve had kids.  I would like to have more kids.”

–By that logic, Letterman’s life began in 2003 when his son Harry was born.  But in REALITY, his life began in 1947…over 63 YEARS AGO.

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PARIS

Here’s a shocker –PARIS HILTON got the diva treatment when she was booked into a Sin City jail on felony cocaine charges.

–Police Deputy Chief JIM DIXON admitted to the Las Vegas Review-Journal that there would have been some serious disruptions if he’d let the heiress hang out with regular inmates, so Paris was escorted into an isolated cell.

–Paris will head back to Nevada on October 27th for arraignment and was released on her own recognizance.

–Peter Struck is an associate professor of classical studies at the University of Pennsylvania, and he says he’s figured out the richest athlete ever.  And it’s not TIGER WOODS, MICHAEL JORDAN…or anyone you’ve ever heard of.

–No, the richest athlete ever is…a Roman chariot racer named Gaius Appuleius Diocles.  (–That would be “GUY-us  Ah-POO-lee-us  DIE-ah-klees”.)

–Between 122 and 164 A.D., Gaius was the best charioteer in the world.  Ancient records have shown that his career winnings…measured in ancient Roman coins…comes to 35,863,120 sesterces (–SESS-turr-seez.)

–Struck says, quote, “By today’s standards that…would cash out to about $15 BILLION.”

–It would’ve been enough money to provide grain to the entire population of Rome for a full year, or fund the gigantic Roman Army for more than two months.

THE AVERAGE MAN WASTES $3,000 IN GAS IN HIS LIFETIME BY NOT ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS:

I thought that old stereotype that men never ask for directions was obsolete…with GPS?  Apparently guys, you’re not QUITE there yet.

–A survey by a British insurance company found that the average man drives around lost for 276 miles every YEAR.  And, over the course of his lifetime, he wastes $3,000 in gas by refusing to ask for directions.

–The survey found that 74% of women will happily ask for directions when they’re lost, versus just 30% of men.

–40% of men say that if they do give in and ask a stranger for directions, sometimes they ignore those directions and just keep on driving anyway.

FOLLOW-UP:  THE WOMAN WHOSE CAR BROKE A MAN’S 39-STORY FALL AND SAVED HIS LIFE…IS DEVASTATED THAT HER CAR IS RUINED:

Yesterday, we told you about 22-year-old Thomas McGill of Manhattan.  He’s the guy who allegedly tried to commit suicide by jumping off a 39-STORY high rise…but ended up crashing through a car on the street and SURVIVING.

–Well…that car was a 2008 Dodge Charger that belonged to 42-year-old Maria McCormack from Old Bridge, New Jersey, and she let her husband drive it into New York City for his job.

–And she’s MAD.  Because, sure, she saved a guy’s life…but she LOVED that car.

–Quote, “I miss it.  It’s my baby.  I want to meet [Thomas] and say, ‘Why?  Why my car out of all the cars in the city?’”

–The car was basically destroyed by Thomas’s fall…at one point he was falling at more than 126 miles-per-hour…and Maria’s insurance company is going to rule it a total loss.

–Thomas is still in the hospital.

An angel appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean of a college that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him….his choice of…infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom.

Done!” said the angel and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Then all heads turned toward the dean who sat surrounded by a faint halo of light. He seemed stunned and shocked as a cloud of silence encompassed the room.

One of his colleagues leaned over and whispered to him, “Say something.”

The dean, now filled with infinite wisdom said, “I should have taken the money.”

TIGER WOODS IS SPENDING MONEY LIKE IT’S GOING OUT OF STYLE

TIGER WOODS may not be at the top of his game, but is still spending money like it’s going out of style.

–TMZ.com reports the philandering golfer took out a 54-million-dollar mortgage for a new property on Jupiter Island, Florida.  It’s a short-term loan, legal documents claim he’ll pay off the note in early 2016. –Tiger’s new bachelor pad sounds pretty posh –it boasts a fitness center, tennis court, multiple pools and even an oxygen therapy room.

PARIS HILTON OWNS A PURSE JUST LIKE THE ONE SHE TOLD POLICE WASN’T HERS:

When cocaine fell out of PARIS HILTON’S purse and into the hands of a Las Vegas Police officer, Paris told the cop that the coke…and the purse…weren’t hers.

–But back in July, Paris Tweeted about an awesome new Chanel purse she’d just bought.  She also posted a picture of it.

–And wouldn’t you know…it happens to look EXACTLY LIKE the one she was carrying in Vegas last Friday.  (–Here’s a picture Paris Tweeted of her Chanel purse a month and a half ago…along with a picture from Paris’ arrest, in which it looks like she MIGHT be holding the same purse . . .)

JENNIFER LOPEZ’S “AMERICAN IDOL” DEAL IS, QUOTE, “IMMINENT”:

On July 30th, it sounded like a DONE DEAL that JENNIFER LOPEZ would replace ELLEN DEGENERES on “American Idol”.

–Since then, we’ve run the gamut:

–She’s in…maybe she’s not in…she’s in again…no one is in…she’s out because she’s SUCH A DIVA…and on and on and on.

–TMZ is now in Week Five of covering…whatever this is…and they’re reporting that Jennifer’s “Idol” deal is, quote, “imminent.”

–Supposedly, she’s in the “final stages” of negotiations…and it’s “all but a done deal”…and that unless there’s a “last-minute snag,” the deal could be closed by early next week.

(–”American Idol” will likely officially announce all their judges sometime next week.)

In the Alaskan tundra, sled dogs aren’t just for sledding anymore.

–A nine-year-old girl was spotted water-skiing while being pulled by a dog-team. The girl was in the water, while the dogs pulled her from the nearby shoreline.

–The spectacle took place as part of a local event known as Stupid Alaskan Tricks.  Other tricks included Alaskan muktuk speed-eating and a guy who sliced a wooden bust of SARAH PALIN in half with a chainsaw.

–But, probably the stupidest Alaskan trick of all was performed by a film crew.  They caught the entire event on camera and now they hope to sell the show to a major network.

A MAN IN NEW YORK JUMPS OFF A 39-STORY BUILDING…LANDS ON A CAR…AND SURVIVES:

Apparently, God has big plans for 22-year-old Thomas Magill of Manhattan, New York.

–On Monday, Thomas jumped off a 39-story high rise in Manhattan.  By the time he was close to the ground he was falling at 126 miles-per-hour.  And…HE SURVIVED.

–A 40-year-old named Guy McCormack had just parked his wife’s Dodge Charger right in front of the building.  So Thomas didn’t hit the pavement…he crashed through the back windshield of the Charger and landed in the backseat instead.

–And thanks to the Charger, he didn’t die.  In fact, all things considered, he got out of there cheap…with only a broken leg, a shattered ankle and a collapsed lung.  He’s in critical condition, but it looks like he’s going to pull through.

–Apparently, he had posted something on Facebook beforehand saying, quote, “I hate my life”…so it looks like it was a suicide attempt.

(–Here are some photos of the Dodge Charger from the scene . . .)

MORE AND MORE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE THROWING SEX PARTIES!  DOESN’T SOUND VERY “FAMILY FRIENDLY” DOES IT?  BUT IT IS!  FIND OUT IN 15 MINUTES!

When we saw a story today that says more and more young couples around the U.S. are throwing SEX PARTIES, we got excited.  Then disappointed, when we found out the truth.

–These new “sex parties” are when expectant parents invite a bunch of people over to announce the gender of their baby.  Usually, even THEY don’t know the sex beforehand…and open the envelope to find out in front of everyone.

(–Sounds like an excuse to either get even MORE gifts for your baby.)

Some bikini shots of Julia Roberts hit the web yesterday, and for a woman in her 40’s, she looks great.  Except for the fact that she doesn’t shave her arm pits.   (–This isn’t the first time Julia has gone without shaving her armpits.  Check out the bikini pic, plus an old shot of Julia with hairy pits from 1999 . . .)

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JERRY LEWIS WANTS TO PUNCH LINDSAY LOHAN IN THE MOUTH:

JERRY LEWIS is a bona fide Hollywood legend.  So perhaps it’s time to turn to him for advice on how to handle LINDSAY LOHAN, PARIS HILTON and the rest of their kind.

–Jerry…who’s 84 years old…has the solution.

–He says, quote, “I would smack [Lindsay] in the mouth if I saw her…I would say, ‘You deserve this and nothing else;  whack!’  And then if she’s not satisfied, I’d put her over my knee and spank her.

–”The same thing with Paris Hilton.  Those children are begging for help.  What they’re doing is saying…’Can you please help me?’  When people who have celebrity give nothing in return, they need a spanking and a reprimand.”

PARIS HILTON IS BANNED FROM THE WYNN PROPERTIES:

PARIS HILTON has been BANNED from the Wynn properties in Las Vegas.  Wynn has two resorts…The Wynn Las Vegas and Encore.

–Paris’ boyfriend, Cy Waits, WAS the head of nightclub operations for both joints.  But he was FIRED after he and Paris were arrested on the Las Vegas Strip last Friday night.

(–Waits was booked on suspicion of DUI, but he hasn’t actually been charged yet.  Paris was charged with FELONY cocaine possession.)

–Meanwhile…“USA Today” says that a cop who searched the Escalade that Paris and Cy were in that night found a SPENT DOOBIE.

WOMEN TALK MORE THAN MEN

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day – thirty thousand compared with a man’s fifteen thousand.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.”

The husband turned to her and asked, “What?”

This week’s featured pets are Jessie and Jennie.

Jessie and Jennie are two 5-6 year old Chiweenies. They were put in a dropbox at a Shelter in Louisiana and they contacted us and asked if we could help them. They are adorable! They are both a chocolate brown color with Jennie being the lighter one. We are assuming they have always been together – siblings or a breeding pair or both. So, we will be adopting them together. They MUST go as a pair and would prefer they be the only dogs and go to a home with no small children. They are not bad with children, but we just prefer children to be at least over 12. They both have wonderful temperaments, little boy can be a little territorial with other small male dogs. They are heartworm negative, up-to-date on vaccinations, and both have been altered. They are crate-trained and housebroken.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

A TEENAGER’S BIKE IS STOLEN…WHILE *HE* TRIES TO SELL A STOLEN VIOLIN:

It’s rare that you see justice being served SO quickly…like this.  Last Thursday, two 17-year-olds from Santa Cruz, California, broke into a car and stole a violin.  Their names haven’t been released because they’re juveniles.

–They took the stolen bike over to a music shop to try to sell it.  Employees there got suspicious and called the police.

–The police came to the store and, while they were arresting the boys, that’s when INSTANT KARMA kicked in…and one of the guys’ bikes was STOLEN from outside.  The violin was returned to its owner…but the stolen bike wasn’t found.

STUPID CRIMINALS!!

Our STUPID CRIMINAL is also a nominee for Eligible Bachelor of the Month.  (–I kid.)

–After getting arrested for choking a woman, 32-year-old JANUSZ OWCA, used his one call while in custody to phone her and threaten to kill her.

–AND he was already on probation for a domestic violence conviction last month.

(STUPID CRIMINALS!)

–Mr Sauve is being held on $350-thousand bail.

A GOLFER HITS ONE BAD CHIP SHOT…AND STARTS A 12-ACRE BRUSH FIRE:

No matter how bad your golf game is at least your lack of skills has never led to THIS.

–Over the weekend, a golfer at the Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine, California, was trying to chip his ball out of the rough…and his swing ended up starting a 12-ACRE BRUSH FIRE.

–The golfer…whose name wasn’t released…accidentally hit a rock as he tried to chip his ball out of some dry brush and grass.  The club hitting the rock caused a spark, which ignited the brush…and set TWO whole hillsides on fire.

–Between 150 and 200 firefighters were called in, and helicopters and fire crews on the ground used thousands of gallons of water to put out the fire in about seven hours.

–There was no property damage or injuries reported and it doesn’t appear that the golfer will be held responsible for the fire.

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives.

One said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

Jeff Miranda has been rejected.  Publicly.  But that’s what you get for proposing to your girlfriend on the cover of a national magazine.

–SNOOKI has decided NOT to marry Jeff, after he proposed in “Steppin’ Out” magazine.

–She posted the following yesterday on Twitter . . . quote, “Just want to set the record straight.  I’m single and I’m not going to get married.”

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WHAT ARE THE REAL CHANCES MICHAEL DOUGLAS WILL BEAT THROAT CANCER??

In a new interview with “People” magazine, MICHAEL DOUGLAS says, quote, “I’ll beat this” . . . referring, of course, to his throat cancer.

–Michael will undergo eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy . . . (–he’s already completed his first week) . . . and doctors have said they expect him to make a full recovery.

–But he probably won’t be available to help promote the “Wall Street” sequel, “Wall Street:  Money Never Sleeps”.

(–It hits theaters on September 24th.)

–Meanwhile, on last night’s “Letterman”, Michael admitted that the cancer is at STAGE 4 . . . which is bad.  But it hasn’t spread down below his throat, which is good.  He claims he has an 80% chance of recovery.

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TROY POLAMALU’S HAIR HAS BEEN INSURED FOR $1 MILLION:

The long, luxurious locks of Pittsburgh Steelers safety TROY POLAMALU have their very own insurance policy.  Literally.

–As you probably know, Troy is a spokesman for Head & Shoulders.  Well, the company has taken out a $1 MILLION policy on Troy’s hair… just in case something should happen to it during the season.

–Head & Shoulders says that Troy’s sexy hair is so thick that it’s strong enough to hold 24,062 pounds… and if you laid it out end-to-end it would span 1,100 football fields.

(–Troy hasn’t cut his hair in SEVEN YEARS.  For those of you who may not have seen it, here’s a look at Troy’s unstoppable hair outside his helmet…)

A SUBWAY CONDUCTOR MANAGES TO STOP THE TRAIN AFTER HE SPOTS A WOMAN ON THE TRACKS:

36-year-old Francis “Frankie” Lusk is a subway motorman in New York City.  On Saturday morning, he was approaching a stop in Manhattan when he spotted something on the tracks.  It turned out to be a WOMAN.

–She’d fallen on the tracks.  She wasn’t moving.  And he had to try to bring his 370-ton subway train to a stop before it RAN HER OVER and killed her.

–He jammed on the brakes, and somehow managed to get the train to a standstill less than 70 feet before the woman.  Then he radioed for help… had the electricity shut off on the tracks… hopped out… and attended to the woman.

–Then he stayed with her until EMTs could take her to the hospital.  Her name hasn’t been released, and the reason she fell onto the tracks hasn’t been released either.

–After she was taken, Frankie got back in his car and finished up his shift.

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IMAGINE BEING TOLD IN MIDAIR THAT YOUR PLANE IS ABOUT TO CRASH!

British Airways has apologized to passengers after an emergency message warning they were about to crash into the sea was played by mistake.
–About 275 passengers were on the London to Hong Kong flight last week when the automated message went out. The plane was flying over the North Sea at the time.
–The cabin crew quickly realized the error and moved to reassure the terrified passengers and the flight continued on schedule.
–Various British media outlets caught the thoughts of passengers: “We all thought we were going to die,” said one. Said another: “I can’t think of anything worse than being told your plane’s about to crash.”
–The airline is investigating the error.
(–You are now free to change your underwear.)

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A JUROR IN DETROIT COULD GO TO JAIL HERSELF… FOR POSTING THE JURY VERDICT ON FACEBOOK BEFORE THE TRIAL WAS OVER:

–20-year-old Hadley Johns of Warren, Michigan, could go to JAIL because of a Facebook status update.

–Earlier this month, Hadley was serving on a jury in Detroit for a resisting arrest case.  Back on the 11th, she posted on Facebook that it was, quote, “gonna be fun to tell the defendant they’re guilty.”  The problem?  The trial wasn’t over yet.

–The defense lawyer in the case found out about the posting when his son was Googling the various jurors… and he told the judge.  And now, it looks like Hadley could be found in contempt of court.

–As for the resisting arrest case, the prosecutors ended up dismissing the case when the jury… including Hadley’s replacement… couldn’t reach a unanimous verdict.  So the defendant wasn’t guilty after all.

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

“Yes I am” replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t.” The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, I have not found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

A WOMAN TRIED TO SMUGGLE A BABY TIGER OUT OF THAILAND BY PUTTING IT IN A SUITCASE WITH A STUFFED TOY TIGER:

–Last week, 31-year-old Piyawan Palasarn of Bangkok, Thailand, was busted trying to smuggle a baby tiger cub out of the country . . . by flying to IRAN and checking the tiger in her suitcase.

–To get away with it, she drugged him so he wouldn’t move a lot . . . and put a stuffed TOY tiger in the suitcase with him.

–But her suitcase was overweight, and officials at the airport in Bangkok decided to X-ray it to see what was going on.  And obviously, the X-ray showed a live animal moving around inside.

–Piyawan could get up to four years in prison for wildlife smuggling.

–She was trying to smuggle the tiger to Iran, where it could’ve pulled in $3,200 on the black market.  Turns out exotic pets are really popular in Iran.

–The cup was taken to a wildlife preserve in Bangkok where he’s recovering.

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THE POWER OF GOD!

The power of Christ compelled this would-be robber to turn around and walk away.

–The armed robber burst into a crafts boutique in Frisco, Texas, waving a gun and demanding money. But shopkeeper Marian Chadwick used divine intervention to drive him from the store.  She pointed her finger at the robber and said, “In the name of Jesus, you get out of my store.  I bind you by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

–The criminal obeyed.  He slowly backed away and fled the store empty-handed. Praise the Lord!

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EVER WONDER WHY OVERHEARING A STRANGER’S CELL PHONE CONVERSATION IS SO ANNOYING???

Now, researchers at Cornell University think they know WHY it’s so annoying.

–They say it’s because only hearing half a conversation requires more attention and concentration than when two people are talking, which is draining.  And it’s also harder to divert our attention away from conversations where we only hear one side.

–Put another way, hearing only half a conversation feels like WORK that’s been thrust upon you by a random stranger.

–According to the researchers, overhearing cell phone conversations can make it more difficult to do lots of stuff in our daily lives, including driving.

–That means if a passenger in your car is chatting on their cell phone, it actually makes it more difficult for you to concentrate on the road.

PARIS HILTON was arrested in Las Vegas Friday night for COCAINE POSSESSION.

–Police pulled over a black Escalade on the Las Vegas strip shortly before midnight, after they saw what they thought was POT SMOKE billowing out of the windows.

–Paris was inside the car, and her boyfriend Cy Waits was driving.  Police allegedly found cocaine in Paris’ purse, and hauled her in on a possession charge.  Cy was booked for DUI.

–Not surprisingly, Paris’ attorney is trying to downplay her arrest.

–He says, quote, “This matter will be dealt with in the courts, not in the media, and I encourage people not to rush to judgment until all of the facts have been dealt with in a court of law.”  (–Here’s Paris Hilton’s mugshot, in which she doesn’t appear the least bit worried . . .)

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PARIS’ GUN-WIELDING BEAU TO THE RESCUE!

TMZ is reporting that Paris Hilton’s latest boyfriend Cy Waits was at her house last week when a man tried to break in holding two knives, and Cy helped keep him out.

–According to law enforcement, after hearing noises coming from downstairs, Cy spotted Nathan Parada at the window with a large kitchen knife and a buck hunting knife and pulled a gun on him before he could get inside the home.

–Cy went outside and ordered Parada to drop the knives and lay on the ground, and kept him subdued until the cops came and arrested him.

–Parada told cops that hours before the incident he purchased a Star Map in order to find Paris’ home.

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THE SITUATION’S DANCING PROBLEM!

The Situation may have a little trouble Dancing with the Stars.

–Sources say scheduling conflicts with the last days of Jersey Shore tapings could give him significantly less time to practice for the show.  TMZ reports that the DWTS contestants will begin rehearsing today, but Jersey Shore is scheduled to tape until at least September 8th.

–ABC officially announces the “Dancing With the Stars” cast tonight.  The show is set to premiere on September 20th.

On Tuesday, 44-year-old Bruckner Chase of Santa Cruz, California, went on a 14-hour, 25-mile swim across Monterey Bay in California.  His goal was to raise awareness of the FRAGILE state of the sea creatures in the bay.

–Unfortunately for him, some of those sea creatures didn’t get the memo that they were supposed to be fragile.

–As Bruckner swam, he was MAULED by jellyfish.  They stung him and left huge, painful welts everywhere that wasn’t protected by his wetsuit:  On his neck, his face, his feet, his hands . . . and even the inside of his mouth and on his TONGUE.

–He says that with every stroke he took, he was basically trying to plow through a wall of jellyfish.  And, quote, “had I not been in a wetsuit, I would not have been able to survive.”

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DOCTORS REMOVE THE WORLD’S LARGEST TUMOR . . . A 51 POUNDER . . . FROM A WOMAN IN ARGENTINA

This is INSANE.  Doctors in Buenos Aires, Argentina, just removed the WORLD’S LARGEST TUMOR from a 54-year-old woman’s womb.  How large?  Try FIFTY-ONE POUNDS.

–The tumor was about the size of a large watermelon and had been growing inside of the woman for a year-and-a-half.  It was malignant, so it had to be removed . . . and took the team about four hours to get it out.

–The woman is currently recovering and is doing well.  (–Check out the photo of this INSANE tumor . . .but be careful if you have a problem with graphic material.  To me it looks like the doctor is holding up a 50-pound turkey that just came out of the oven.)

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ARE WE GOING TO END UP EATING THE 550 MILLION EGGS THAT WERE RECALLED????

If you somehow haven’t heard, more than 550 MILLION eggs have been recalled because they were at a high risk of being tainted with salmonella.  Today, we found out what’s going to happen to all those eggs.  You’re going to end up eating them.

–According to the FDA, the eggs are going to be pasteurized, which kills the salmonella.  And then, they’re going to be turned into liquid eggs and used by companies to make cookies, cakes, egg substitute, pet food and more.

–So, yeah, we all WILL end up eating the recalled eggs . . . we just won’t know it.

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

A THIEF WAS BUSTED FOR STEALING A FAMILY’S BAG…AFTER THEY SPOTTED HIM DOING IT IN THE BACKGROUND OF ONE OF THEIR PHOTOS:

Over the weekend, the Myers family from Bloomfield, New Jersey, was in Madison, Wisconsin, for a wedding.  On Saturday afternoon, around 2:45 P.M., the family posed in front of the Wisconsin state capitol building for a photo.

–And while the family posed for their nice family photo…someone STOLE THEIR BAG.

–They were REALLY upset…until they looked at the photo, and noticed a stranger in the background, stealing their bag DURING the photo.

–They called the police and showed them the photo, and the cops recognized the guy as a homeless man who loiters around the capitol building.

–The cops caught up with him a few blocks away.

–He told them he thought the bag was abandoned…although that story doesn’t REALLY hold up, because there was a wallet, cash, credit cards, you know…stuff that people don’t normally abandon.

–The Myers family got their bag back and Glenn was charged with misdemeanor theft.

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WHILE THE COPS TAKE A MAN’S REPORT ON HIS STOLEN CAR, THE CAR THIEF DRIVES BY IN THE CAR, BLASTING MUSIC!  YES GET READY FOR STUPID CRIMINALS!

On Monday morning, Sergio Vial of Allentown, Pennsylvania, called the police after he went outside to get in his car, and discovered it was missing.

–The cops went to his place to take his report.  And as they stood outside, getting the details from Sergio…they spotted his car.

–The thief happened to be driving the car down that street at that moment, with the windows down, BLASTING MUSIC.

–The police stopped him.  He turned out to be 39-year-old Preston Renninger, and he told them his friend had lent him the car.

–Preston was charged with receiving stolen property.

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CAREFUL LADIES, LOW RIDING SHORTS COULD LAND YOU IN JAIL

A woman in New Orleans has been thrown in jail ’cause her low-riding shorts were too revealing.
–23-year-old KIMBERLY SENETTE was in a courtroom with her brother, who was charged with carjacking.
–Kimberly wasn’t on trial herself.  But, Judge STEVEN WINDHORST took one look at her revealing outfit and charged her with contempt of court.  Kimberly was apparently decked out in low-hanging shorts and high-riding thong underwear.
–But, it wasn’t long before Kimberly changed clothes.  In fact, she spent the next 10-days in standard-issue prison garb.

­(And yet, Snooki is a a free woman.)

This week’s issue of “People” magazine contains the very first interview with ELIN NORDEGREN since the CHAOS that erupted in her home last Thanksgiving.

–And I’ll give you the money shot first:  Elin says she did NOT hit TIGER WOODS the night he tried to peel out of their driveway, and ended up hitting a fire hydrant and a tree.

–Elin also drops this pretty obvious statement…quote, “I’ve been through hell.”

–Elin admits she didn’t have a clue about Tiger’s affairs.  She says, quote, “I felt stupid as more things were revealed…how could I not have known anything?  The word betrayal isn’t strong enough.  I felt like my whole world had fallen apart.”

–One thing Elin is sure of now is that the marriage is OVER.  And she assumes it’ll be a while before she can start dating again.

HERE ARE LINDSAY LOHAN’S NEW RULES:

At LINDSAY LOHAN’S hearing yesterday, Judge Elden Fox laid out the conditions for her outpatient treatment.

–Between now and a progress hearing on November 1st, Lindsay has to remain in California, and keep Los Angeles as her primary residence.

–She also has to undergo psychiatric treatment AT LEAST four times a week.

–She has to attend some kind of dependency meeting…like Alcohol Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous…at least five times a week.

–She must contact a chemical dependency counselor at least SEVEN times a week.

–She has to attend behavioral therapy twice a week.

–And she will be randomly tested for drugs and alcohol twice a week.  And she’s not allowed to miss a single test.

–If Lindsay flakes on ANY of these terms, she gets sent back to the pen for 30 days.  (–Or 14 days.  However long they feel like keeping her.)

SANDRA BULLOCK WILL GIVE A TV INTERVIEW NEXT WEEK:

MATT LAUER will interview SANDRA BULLOCK on the “Today” show next Tuesday.  It’ll be Sandra’s first televised interview since she split from JESSE JAMES and announced that she’d adopted a baby boy.

(–News of Jesse James’ infidelity…and he and Sandra’s subsequent split…broke back in March, just weeks after she took home her first Academy Award.)

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Thank God we can all still drive,” said one woman cheerfully

Pregnancy rumors continue to follow Mariah Carey, but no one is confirming the news.  Adding to the speculation of a possible pregnancy is People magazine, which has posted a photo of Mariah wearing a brown dress, reportedly made by the maternity fashion line called “A Pea In The Pod.”  Mariah Carey’s publicist, is commenting about the speculation — but confirms nothing…saying, quote, “Mariah is very superstitious and when the time is right for her and Nick to announce something, she will.”

This week’s featured pet is Hailey.

Hailey is a 3 to 4 year female black Pug mix. She was rescued from the street with a bad case of heartworms but has since been treated and tested negative. She is very sweet and loving with people and good with most dogs. Every once in a while she will take a dislike to a small dog, but we are not sure what the common denominators are. Hailey is crate trained, house trained, spayed and is up-to-date on vaccinations. Hailey would make a great family companion.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

NEW JERSEY IS SPRAYING ITS LANDFILLS WITH A SPECIAL FRAGRANCE TO COVER UP THEIR HORRIBLE SMELL:

New Jersey is starting to smell WAY too much like trash.  And that’s not the setup to a “Jersey Shore” joke.  Literally, the state smells like garbage.

–It’s especially bad at the Middlesex County Landfill in East Brunswick, New Jersey.  More than 1,000 TONS of garbage is dumped there every day, and the people in the area say the smell has reached the point of being unbearable.

–So New Jersey decided to do what the people of New Jersey do when THEY smell bad:  Spray on some cologne or perfume.

–The Middlesex County Utilities Authority (MCUA) has started using a flatbed truck with nozzles attached to spray a special FRAGRANCE on the landfill.

–The director of the MCUA says, quote, “It has a pleasant, showery smell.  It’s a light scent.”

–So far the residents in nose-shot have given the plan mixed reviews. 

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EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THE STUPID CRIMINALS PULL ONE OVER ON THE COPS

Boston police say a standoff with robbers holed up in an apartment finally ended –when they realized the building was completely empty.

–Dozens of police officers and a special operations team surrounded the building for four-hours. That’s because cops had received a tip that a pair of armed robbers were hiding out inside.  Residents were evacuated.  And, eventually cops busted into the apartment.

–That’s when they found out nobody was home.

–Now, they’re investigating whether the tip they received might have been false.

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A MAN DIDN’T NOTICE FOR FIVE YEARS THAT HE’D BEEN SHOT IN THE HEAD:

Earlier this week, a 35-year-old Polish guy living in Herne, Germany, went to the doctor thinking he had a cyst on the back of his head.

–When doctors did an X-ray, they discovered he didn’t have a cyst… he had a .22-caliber BULLET lodged in the back of his skull.  And it had been there for FIVE YEARS.

–The guy said he’d been at a New Year’s party five or six years ago, and felt a sharp pain in the back of his head.  But he was so intoxicated that he forgot about it the next day.  The doctors removed the bullet successfully.  (–Here’s the X-Ray…)

“An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. That’s when he met a Redneck who had three stunning daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them..

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed..”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed..”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck… “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”

Fran Rowden
rowdenf@bellsouth.net

A MAN WITH TWO KNIVES TRIED TO GET INTO PARIS HILTON’S HOUSE YESTERDAY MORNING:

PARIS HILTON awoke at about 6:30 yesterday morning, only to discover a man with TWO KNIVES trying to get into her house.  Luckily, he tripped the alarm system, and police got there before he could get in.

–The perp was arrested on one count of felony burglary.  As of last night, he was being held on $50,000 bail. (–Here’s his mugshot from Nathan’s arrest last month for burglary, grand theft and vandalism…)

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THE LATEST “DANCING WITH THE STARS” RUMORS

The “Dancing with the Stars” cast will be officially announced during “Bachelor Pad” next Monday night… but in the meantime, the rumors continue to roll in.

–RadarOnline.com says that MICHAEL BOLTON… who was your mom’s favorite singer in the ’90s… has been in talks to do the show for about a month now.  Supposedly, he’s pretty excited about doing it.

–And “Access Hollywood” claims DAVID HASSELHOFF has signed on.

(–Other rumored “stars” include:  “Jersey Shore’s” Mike “The Situation”. . . singer BRANDY… and retired NFL quarterback Kurt Warner.)

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LINDSAY LOHAN IS OUT OF REHAB:

Judge Elden Fox was supposed to issue some kind of ruling yesterday regarding the LINDSAY LOHAN case.  He didn’t.

–Instead, he just sprung her from rehab.

–On Day 23 of what was supposed to be a 90-day stay, Lindsay checked out of UCLA Medical Center yesterday.

–It was the doctors at UCLA who told Judge Fox that Lindsay should be released.  They decided that Lindsay’s addiction and psychiatric problems were not nearly as bad as they’ve been depicted up to now.

-According to RadarOnline.com, Lindsay will continue to receive outpatient treatment two or three times a week at UCLA.

A BEIJING FREEWAY IS 10 DAYS INTO A TRAFFIC JAM . . . AND IT MAY NOT BE CLEARED UP FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS:

This is one of those things that would be earth-shattering news here in the U.S. . . . but just kinda makes sense in China.  Right now in Beijing, there are people who’ve been stuck in a 62-mile traffic jam FOR TEN DAYS.  With no end in sight.

–Chinese officials had to close one freeway because it had been so damaged that it was un-drivable.  That pushed all the traffic to another freeway, the Beijing-Tibet Expressway, on August 14th . . . and since then it’s been hopelessly jammed.

–According to officials, the traffic jam may not be fully cleared up until MID SEPTEMBER.  Local residents have been taking advantage of China’s new capitalism trend by selling noodles to stranded drivers . . . at inflated prices.

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A DRIVE-BY KIDNAPPING

Cops in Sweden responded to reports of a daring public kidnapping last weekend.

–Witnesses reported seeing several masked men drag a taxi driver from his car.  Then, they stuffed the guy in the trunk of another car and sped off.

–Police took the incident very seriously and spent several hours searching for the men.  But, when they finally tracked down the culprits, they found out the whole thing was a practical joke.

–It turns out it was the victim’s birthday and the masked thugs were just his friends.  Police have decided not to press charges.

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HOW MUCH DO YOU SUPPOSE THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE HOT DOG COSTS?

I could NEVER, EVER justify paying $69 for a hot dog.

–But a restaurant in New York called Serendipity 3 thinks people are willing to open their wallets for just about anything . . . so they’ve unveiled the WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE HOT DOG.  It costs $69 . . . not including tax and tip.

–The secret to jacking up the price?  FUNGUS AND GOOSE LIVER.  In other words, they take a foot-long hot dog and cover it with truffles and foie gras.  Then they serve it in a pretzel baguette that’s toasted in white truffle butter.

–And they serve it with Dijon mustard . . . accented with more truffles, naturally.

–Serendipity 3 is known for these kinds of stunts.  They’re also the home of the World’s Most Expensive Ice Cream Sundae . . . which is covered in gold flakes, is served in a gold goblet, and sells for $25,000.

TIGER WOODS AND ELIN NORDEGREN ARE OFFICIALLY DIVORCED:

TIGER WOODS and ELIN NORDEGREN finalized their divorce yesterday, in a courtroom in Panama City, Florida.

–Settlement terms were not disclosed, but sources say Elin probably walked away with AT LEAST $100 million . . . and possibly a lot more.

–It’s likely that Elin had to sign a confidentiality agreement to get the cash.  So don’t expect any tell-all interviews from her.

–Elin had signed a prenup, but it was renegotiated after she and the rest of the world found out about Tiger’s RESTLESS GROIN SYNDROME.

–One final note:  In the divorce documents, Elin asked that her maiden name be restored.

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DOES MILEY CYRUS SMOKE POT IN HER NEW MOVIE??

MILEY CYRUS engages in some pretty wild behavior in her upcoming movie, “LOL:  Laughing Out Loud”.

–To give you an idea of the “Wild Behavior,” Miley’s mother in the movie, played by DEMI MOORE has a line where she says, quote, “You’re my daughter, and I won’t let you turn into a porn star!”

–In a recent interview with MTV News, however, Demi said that Miley is, quote, “incredibly grounded” and nothing like her character.

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“THE SITUATION” WILL REPORTEDLY PULL DOWN $5 MILLION THIS YEAR:

Here’s your heartwarming back-to-school news of the day:  Even if your kids fall a little short scholastically, they still have a shot at success . . . because “Jersey Shore” stud MIKE “THE SITUATION” will reportedly pull down $5 MILLION this year.

–The “Hollywood Reporter” says The Situation’s ridiculous income includes:  Roughly $60,000 per episode of “Jersey Shore” . . . other “media opportunities” . . . and between $15,000 and $50,000 per event for appearances.

–His manager says, quote, “Our goal has always been to try to build a brand if the situation presented itself.”

WANTED EMPLOYEE

A man named Adam walks into the office of his boss to ask for a raise..

ADAM:  Sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.  I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

BOSS:  A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

ADAM:  I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

BOSS:  Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

ADAM:  Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!

BOSS:  Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

ADAM:  Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

The only color of car you see in NYC…taxi cab yellow!

The spectacular view a top the Empire State Building (Chrysler Building in center)…

Radio City Music Hall…

Statue of Liberty, photo taken on the FREE Staten Island Ferry…

Yankee Stadium!!!

Mike’s T-shirt from the “Soup Nazi”

Inside of Saint Patrick’s cathedral (where JFK and Jackie got married….)

Outside of Saint Patrick’s cathedral…

Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge…

City view from Central Park…

Gorgeous Central Park…

More Central Park…

Today’s STUPID CRIMINAL is a bank robber in Eden, New York.  The police haven’t caught him yet…but since he didn’t end up getting any money, I don’t know how much of a priority he is.

–He’s been described as a black male in his 20s with a stocky build and a goatee.  The reason we know he’s got a goatee is also the reason we know he’s an IDIOT.

–The guy had one of those dust masks that construction workers use…and was planning on using it to cover his nose and mouth to hide his identity during the robbery.  Except he FORGOT.

–So he walked into the bank with the dust mask just hanging on his neck.

–He handed the teller a note, demanding money.  Then his phone rang.  He took the call…then grabbed the note back from the teller and ran out of the bank without any cash.

–The cops believe the caller was his getaway driver…who was calling to tell him his mask wasn’t on.  They think the caller also might’ve told him that the Eden police station was just a few FEET from the bank they were robbing.

–The police are still searching for the robber.

A WOMAN WHO GOT HER FIRST TATTOO AT AGE 99 GETS HER THIRD ONE…AT AGE 101:

A lot of people who don’t get tattoos say that they’ll hate having it PERMANENTLY on their body.  But if your body only has a couple of years left…why not let it fly, right?

–101-year-old Mimi Rosenthal of Spring Hill, Florida, just got her THIRD tattoo.

–She got her first one at age 99:  It’s a butterfly on her ankle about the size of a dime.

–She got her second one at age 100:  It’s a small flower on her other ankle.

–And now, at age 101, she got her third one…a sunflower on her left arm.

–Michelle Gallo-Kohlas is the tattoo artist who’s done all three of Mimi’s tattoos.  She says, quote, “Her skin is so fragile, it’s like uncharted territory.”

–Mimi says that if she does get a fourth tattoo at age 102, quote, “Next time I’m getting it on my butt.”

(–Here are a few photos of Mimi getting the sunflower tattoo . . .)

THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS BEEN WITH THEIR BANK LONGER THAN THEIR PARTNER:

Sure, your boyfriend or girlfriend is great and you can’t imagine life without them…but can they offer you free checking and no ATM fees?

–According to a new survey, most people have been loyal to their BANK longer than they’ve been loyal to their spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend.

–The average person has been with their bank for 16.5 years, and with their partner 14.1 years.  18% of people have even been with their bank for more than 30 years.  Only 7% of people have changed banks more than twice during the past decade.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

BILL O’REILLY IS RAGING AGAINST KIM KARDASHIAN AND JUSTIN BIEBER:

–Earlier this month, “Elle” magazine released some pictures from a photo shoot that Kim and Justin did in the Bahamas.  A few of those pictures featured Kim and Justin frolicking on the beach.

–Justin is only 16 years old…which is why Bill thinks it’s particularly gross.  (–Kim is 29.)

–On his show Thursday, he said, quote, “[When I was 16] I wanted to be a baseball player.  I didn’t want to hang around with Kim Kardashian…I had a baseball glove and a bat and ice skates!  That’s what I was doing.”

–He then went on to make a pretty good point…quote, “I will tell you this…If a 16-year-old girl was pictured with a 29-year-old man in any of that, there’d be big trouble.”

ADVERTISERS EXPECT “AMERICAN IDOL” TO FALL APART:

“American Idol” will be a different beast next year…mostly because of the departure of SIMON COWELL.  And like a lot of us, the show’s advertisers aren’t too confident about the future of “Idol”.

–“MediaLife” magazine conducted a survey…asking advertisers things like how long they expected “Idol” to remain a #1 show.  Here are some of the results:

–21% of those surveyed think that “Idol” will lose its #1 distinction THIS season…36% think it has one more year at the top…27% believe that it has two more #1 seasons left…and 11% can see it on top for another three seasons.

–Meanwhile, 83% named Simon as their all-time favorite judge.  PAULA ABDUL…who wasn’t even on the show last season…came in second with 9% of the vote.

WHAT DO LINDSAY LOHAN AND “STAR WARS” CHARACTER OBI-WANKENOBI HAVE IN COMMON?

It appears that LINDSAY LOHAN has something in common with the “Star Wars” character Obi-Wan Kenobi:  Strike her down and she becomes MORE POWERFUL.

–Since going to jail and rehab, Lindsay has DOUBLED her Twitter followers.  Lindsay had 250,000 Twitter followers last December.  In May, she had between 500,000 and 600,000.

–Her current count is well over a MILLION…and she hasn’t Tweeted anything in a month.

DOES MILEY CYRUS WANT BREAST IMPLANTS???

This is certainly not something we can verify, but the “Star” tabloid claims that MILEY CYRUS is dead set on getting BREAST IMPLANTS.  November 23rd is Miley’s birthday…so if she were to get implants before then, she would need her parents’ consent.

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WILL LINDSAY LOHAN GET OUT OF REHAB EARLY???

LINDSAY LOHAN was sentenced to 90 days in jail.  She served 13.  She was also sentenced to 90 days in rehab.  And this part, according to the judge, is NOT negotiable.

–Except that maybe it is after all.

–There’s now talk that Lindsay might get out after 45 days…just HALF the time she was ordered to serve.

–The inpatient program she’s currently in at UCLA Medical Center usually only lasts for 45 days.  So when those 45 days are up, the new judge on the case…Elden Fox…might decide to release her to outpatient care.

–Lindsay’s attorney says, quote, “We will defer to their expertise and to the wisdom and authority of Judge Fox in that regard.”

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ANOTHER DAY…ANOTHER BASELESS “AMERICAN IDOL” JUDGE RUMOR:  THIS TIME, IT’S SHANIA TWAIN:

JENNIFER LOPEZ may or may not have lost her gig on “American Idol”…which she may or may not have even had in the first place.

–But if she IS out of the picture, “Idol” has reportedly moved on to…SHANIA TWAIN.

–TMZ claims that “Idol” has lined up Shania as their “Plan B.”

–“People” magazine is also…quite suddenly…on the Shania bandwagon.  There’s been no comment from Shania’s peeps…or, as usual, from Fox and “Idol”.

A STOCKBROKER WHO STOLE $444,000 FROM CLIENTS HAS A CHANCE TO AVOID PRISON…IF HE CAN WIN BACK THE MONEY PLAYING POKER?

59-year-old Samuel McMaster Jr. of Albuquerque, New Mexico, is a former stockbroker who stole more than $444,000 from more than 20 clients to feed his gambling habit.  And while he’s clearly a lousy  gambler…he may’ve just won the legal lottery.

–For some mind-boggling reason, prosecutors are letting him stay out of prison for the next six months to participate in POKER TOURNAMENTS…so he can try to win enough money to pay all of his victims back.

–Samuel has to pay at least $7,500 back each month during this process.  If he misses payments, or doesn’t win back enough of the $400,000 by the end of the six months, he has to go do TWELVE YEARS in prison.

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A WOMAN CALLS 911 TO ASK FOR EMERGENCY HELP…BECAUSE THE POLICE WERE ARRESTING HER:

44-year-old Andrea Elliot of Eaton, Ohio doesn’t QUITE seem to grasp how 911 works.

–On Tuesday night, Andrea was out in public, intoxicated, and the police were called to the scene.  She got belligerent with them and they tried to arrest her.

–Well…as they struggled with her to get her cuffed, she used her free hand to take out her cell phone and call 911.  Her complaint?  She told the 911 operator she needed emergency help because the police were arresting her.

–She was charged with aggravated disorderly conduct…and making a false 911 call.

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THE GORILLA AT THE ZOO PLAYING WITH A KID’S NINTENDO DS!

–While visiting the San Francisco Zoo last week, a kid dropped his Nintendo DS into the exhibit and a gorilla named BAWANG picked it up and started playing with it.

–Soon, a baby gorilla named HANSAI came along to check it out but Bawang played keep-away, put the DS in his mouth and walked away.

–In the end, the child –who remains anonymous– got his game back when a zoo trainer lured the Bawang over and traded the game for an apple.  That’s S-O-P at many zoos since people drop things into gorilla pens all the time.

–The DS console had a little “GORILLA” slobber on it, but worked just fine.

Shelby County Mayor Elect Mark Luttrell joined us in the studio this morning.  He was so nice!!  Here he is talking on the air…

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And here he is holding onto his Sherriff’s badge for the last few weeks..

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What is the difference between a government bond and a man?

A government bond matures.

Want to have the “Old Spice guy” record your voicemail message?  You can for free!!!  Here’s the link:

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http://oldspicevoicemail.com/

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Just type in your phone number and select from a list of things for him to say…and there you have it!

In case you’re the curious type, here’s the one we put together for Mandy.

Mandy’s Old Spice Voicemail

A GUY SWALLOWED A PEA SEED…AND ACTUALLY HAD A PLANT GROWING INSIDE HIM:

Remember when you were a kid and you wanted to eat apple seeds, but your friends told you an apple tree would grow inside you if you did?  Yeah…something like that ACTUALLY HAPPENED in real life.  Earlier this year, 75-year-old Ron Svenden of Brewster, Massachusetts, was eating peas, and swallowed one of the seeds whole.  But it accidentally went down the wrong pipe, and into his lung.  He had no idea.  He started feeling sick, and doctors took X-rays and found that a PEA PLANT was GROWING inside his LUNG.  It had already gotten to be half-an-inch tall, which doesn’t sound like a lot…but when that’s inside your freaking LUNG, it’s huge.  The plant ended up making his lung COLLAPSE, so Doctors removed the plant, and Ron is now recovering.  Ron says he was just thrilled to find out it wasn’t cancer or a tumor…and, yes, he’s back to eating peas.    (–Here are some X-rays showing the peas growing in Ron’s lung.  Sadly, they aren’t that visually stunning…)

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YOU ORDER A DOZEN DONUTS AT THE DRIVE-THRU AND YOU GET A BOX OF DOUGH INSTEAD

I know we’ve heard it before, but it seems life will always test your moral ground.  Someone who bought a box of Krispy Kreme donuts in Fayetteville, NC, got dough instead of donuts.  The manager had put $5-thousand in cash in a donut box to make sure it wasn’t stolen.  A clerk accidentally handed over that box to a drive-thru customer. And we all know that honesty is best, but so far, no one’s come forward to exchange the dough for the donuts.

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STUPID CRIMINALS!!!

On Monday, 49-year-old Nathan Pugh walked into a Wells Fargo Bank in Dallas with the intention of robbing the place.  He didn’t have a gun, but he did have a white bag from the fast food restaurant Whataburger.  He walked up to the teller and slipped her a note.  It read, quote, “This is not a bag of food.  It is a bom.”  By the way, he spelled bomb “B-O-M.”  The teller got the sense that a guy who misspelled “bomb” might not be the most brilliant criminal mastermind…so she took a stab at OUTSMARTING him.  She told Nathan she’d need ID to give him money.  And he handed her his debit card.  She asked for a second form of ID.  He handed her his Texas state ID card…complete with his name and address.  When he saw cops in the entrance, he decided to take a HOSTAGE…and grabbed a woman holding a child.  Since he didn’t have a gun, just a fast food bag which may or may not have contained a b-o-m, she fought back…took him down…and held him for a second until the police grabbed him.  STUPID CRIMINALS!!