The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale…
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, “Will you marry me?”
The guy said, “No.”
The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and never had to deal with someone passing gas in bed.
~ The End~
Hurricane victims can now evacuate in a luxury chartered jet!!!
It’s bugging out, in style. A Florida jet charter company is now offering a luxury evacuation service. HelpJet from Galaxy Aviation guarantees its members a seat on a chartered plane out of a hurricane evacuation zone. The package includes five star hotel reservations and limo service for the evacuees. But getting the red carpet service when the hurricane warnings go up doesn’t come cheap. Flights cost about $1,900 a person, but small pets get to fly free. There’s also a $500 annual membership.
Meet the mailman who delivers in Rain, Sleet, Snow, Dark of Night or Whenever He Feels Like It!
It wasn’t rain, sleet, snow or dark of night that kept a Kentucky mailman from his appointed rounds. Charles Fred Miller said it was laziness. So he pleaded guilty to a federal charge related to undelivered mail. The man told a U.S. District Judge that he stuffed more than 500 items of undelivered mail into garbage bags in a storage shed behind his house. In his words, “I just got lazy.” Sentencing is set for Dec. 4.
A helicopter lands on a man’s back as he secures his name in the Guiness Book of World Records
An Austrian strongman has set a new world record after a 1.8 tonne helicopter landed on his back. Franz Muellner supported the machine for almost a minute after it landed on his shoulders to secure his place in the Guiness Book of World Records. The record attempt was part of the Vienna Worlds Records Day held in the Austrian capital’s Prater park. Other world records broken included the maximum number of straws that can be held at any one time in the mouth. Marco Hort managed to fit 264 straws in his mouth to beat his old record of 259.
Here’s a great site for you to review if you kids are into “text messaging”. What do their acronyms mean? Find out by clicking here!
Bad choice of film
When moviemakers told Gallatin, Tennessee, Mayor Don Wright they wanted to use his office to film a scene with a superheroine, he kindly obliged. But Wright was startled when the movie’s title, “Thong Girl 3,” and his role in its making was splashed across the front page of Friday’s editions of the Nashville Tennessean newspaper. “I had no idea what the movie was about,” Wright said on Friday. According to the movie’s Web site, heroine Lana (Layonme) wears a red cape as she flies over Nashville repelling a villain who is trying to turn country music performers into rappers. The movie is the third in a series released only on DVD.
Residents have not been unkind, Wright said. “Well, it’s sure true that no good deed goes unpunished but most of my e-mails about this haven’t been bad.”
TISSUE BOX SAVES TWO ELDERLY WOMEN
Two women in their 80s are recovering from heat stroke after spending several hours trapped inside a Cadillac at an Orlando Mall. The two got trapped when their vehicle’s battery died and the automatic locks failed. As the heat began to rise, the women ripped a portion from a tissue box and wrote “Call 911, Help” and posted it in the vehicle’s window. A mall security guard spotted the message, spotted the trapped women, and called 911. Rescue workers broke a window and pulled the women to safety.
Tallest people in the world
In the last 150 years, the Dutch have become the tallest people on Earth – and experts say they’re still getting bigger. (For the record, it was only in the 1950s that the Dutch passed the Americans, who stood tallest for most of the last 200 years.) Thanks to their protein-rich diet and a national health service that pampers infants, the Dutch are standing taller than ever. The average Dutchman stands just over 6 feet, while women average nearly 5-foot-7. And since many Dutch are much taller than average, four years ago the government adjusted building codes to raise the standards for door frames and ceilings. Doors must now be 7-feet, 6 1/2-inches high.
“Dog” The Bounty Hunter Set Free On Bail
TV reality star Duane “Dog” Chapman and two co-stars accused of illegal detention and conspiracy in Mexico posted bail and were released Friday. Chapman was released on $300,000 bail after spending the night in a federal detention center and his co-stars on the popular A&E show “Dog The Bounty Hunter” were freed on $100,000 bail each. Bounty hunting is considered a crime in Mexico. The men are now required to wear electronic monitoring devices until they return to court for extradition hearings to face trial in Mexico. Chapman and his tattooed crew were ordered to surrender their passports, to stay in Hawaii and not possess any firearms.
The World Welcomes Sutton Pierce Federline
It’s an S-P thing. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reportedly named their newborn son Sutton Pierce Federline. Sources told People magazine that Britney’s second tot (and K-Fed’ 4th child) has the same initials as his big brother, Sean Preston Federline. The boys also (almost) share a birthday – Sean Preston turned 1 on Thursday, just two days after his brother was born.
Mario Lopez May Still Have An Issue With ‘The Truth’
Mario Lopez may be the front-runner on ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars,” but sources say he lied when he said on the show that he had no dance training. A former dance partner from his days at the School of Creative & Performing Arts in San Diego told the NY Post: “We competed in and won several Southern California dance competitions. There’s video. He’s been in dance training since he was about 5 years old.” Also, IMDb.com reveals that Lopez was a backup dancer on “Kids Incorporated” before he was Slater on “Saved by the Bell.” His rep said Lopez had done hip-hop dancing but had no “formal ballroom training.”
Americans earn more money than people in most other countries, but we also spend more. In a new survey, Americans report being the second-most “cash-strapped” nation, trailing only residents of Portugal. In all, the survey by ACNielsen elicited responses from more than 21,000 people in 40 countries (mainly in Europe, Asia and North America.) About 22 percent of Americans say they have no spare cash after covering basic living expenses vs. 23 percent of Portuguese. The Dutch and British tied for third place, with 17 percent of respondents claiming to be cash-strapped. Canadians, French and Turks were next at 16 percent. When Americans find extra cash, they tend to use it to pay off credit-card balances and other debts or put it into savings.
When it comes to cheating, men and women have very different ideas. According to a survey by “Women’s Health” and “Men’s Health” magazines, 45 percent of men think talking to one’s ex on a regular basis is cheating but only 27 percent of women agree with that definition. That’s not all: 45 percent of men say getting a massage from a friend of the opposite sex constitutes cheating but only 35 percent of women are touchy about that. Men might be more particular about the definition of cheating but only 32 percent of men admit they’ve been cheated on compared to 45 percent of women. However, 32 percent of ladies admit they’ve been the ones doing the cheating while only 16 percent of men confess to being a cheat. Finally, 50 percent of men believe cheating has ruined at least one past relationship but only 27 percent of women will make that claim.
MEMPHIANS IN HELL
A Memphian dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the Memphian is not suffering like the rest. It was 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Memphian and asks why he’s so happy. The Memphian says “I like it here. The temperature is just like going to a ballgame in June.”
The Devil isn’t happy with the Memphian’s answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%.
The Devil then finds the Memphian standing around just as happy as can be. The Memphian says “This is even better. It’s like fishing during July.”
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Memphian suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%.
So he goes looking for the Memphian. He finds him sitting on the floor even happier than before. The Memphian says, “This is great, it’s just like sitting on my porch with my friends in August.”
The Devil says “That’s it, I’ll get this Memphian.” He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 15 degrees and no humidity. Soon all of hell is frozen solid. “Let’s see what the Memphian has to say about this.”
The Devil looks around and finds the Memphian jumping up and down for joy and yelling, “THEY FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE PYRAMID!”
Bad Gravedigger
A Dutch gravedigger was digging a grave in the cemetery when it happened, reports Gva.be. A trailer containing the earth he had removed tipped over and fell into the grave, knocking over the man and covering him completely. Luckily, a workmate was able to move the trailer and uncover the gravedigger’s face to let him breathe. He called the fire brigade who managed to free the man after an hour. He was unhurt apart from a bump on the head.
It’s Twins!
A western Ohio couple has been dealt a full hand, with three pairs. John and Jamie Schmiesing of Minster last month welcomed their third set of twins into the world. Including their three other children, the parents now have nine kids all under the age of seven. Jamie Schmiesing says she and her husband always wanted a big family. Now, they’re experiencing the joys as well as the challenges, including making meals for eleven and getting everyone in place in their 15-passenger van when they all go out together. (She says their story has attracted media attention, and she’s hoping Oprah will call soon and offer her a needed day out and a makeover.)
STUPID CRIMINALS!!!!
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
The Good News, Bad News Day For Anna Nicole Smith
38 year-old Anna Nicole Smith’s 20 year-old son, Daniel Smith, died suddenly on Sunday morning. He was in the Bahamas, along with Anna Nicole, who also gave birth there 3 days before. Daniel reportedly suffered a “massive heart attack” while visiting his mom in the maternity room. According to a source, Daniel collapsed and his mother tried, but couldn’t revive her son. The Assistant Commissioner for the Royal Bahamas Police Force, says that “there were no signs of physical injury or violence” evident in the hospital room where Smith died, and there are “no reports of drugs, legal or illegal, on [Smith's] person at this time.”
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Heather Locklear’s New Man Is Not A Geeky Comedian
Heather Locklear has moved on from her reported split from David Spade. She was photographed leaving Mastro’s steakhouse in Beverly Hills Friday night, arm in arm with a new mystery man. He’s realtor Bill Small of Aspen, Colo. He specializes in selling high-end, exclusive residential properties. The tall, blonde, hunk is also smart. He’s a member of the United States Supreme Court Bar association and holds a Juris Doctorate degree from Seattle University School of Law as well as a BA from the University of Maine.
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TomKat At The Monday Night Football Game in DC
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes walked onto the field just before the Washington Redskins game against the Minnesota Vikings in Landover, Maryland, last night. TomKat and Tom’s kids with Nicole Kidman joined Redskins owner Daniel Snyder for the game. Plus the Cruise family — including baby Suri — stayed at Snyder’s Potomac home. Keep in mind, Snyder is also funding Cruise’s newly independent filmmaking company….
To see pictures of the “2006 Mike and Mandy Cruise”, please click here.
As a schoolboy, one of Red’s teachers explained the words and meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance to the class. Later, he wrote down, and eventually recorded, his own interpretation. He also recited this during his live stage performances. Red Skelton was very patriotic and he very much loved his country. Here it is: Pledge of Allegiance by Red Skelton
Since I was a small boy, two states have been added to our country, and two words have been added to the Pledge of Allegiance: Under God.
I:
Me, and individual, a committee of one.
Pledge:
Dedicate all of my worldly goods to give without self-pity.
Allegiance:
My love and my devotion.
To the Flag:
Our standard; Old Glory ; a symbol of Freedom; wherever she waves there is respect, because your loyalty has given her a dignity that shouts, Freedom is everybody’s job.
Of the United:
That means that we have all come together.
States of America:
Individual communities that have united into forty-eight great states. Forty-eight individual communities with pride and dignity and purpose. All divided with imaginary boundaries, yet united to a common purpose, and that is love for country.
And to the Republic:
Republic – a state in which sovereign power is invested in representatives chosen by the people to govern. And government is the people; and it’s from the people to the leaders, not from the leaders to the people.
For which it stands, One Nation:
One Nation – meaning, so blessed by God.
Indivisible:
Incapable of being divided.
With Liberty:
Which is Freedom; the right of power to live one’s own life, without threats, fear, or some sort of retaliation.
And Justice:
The principle, or qualities, of dealing fairly with others.
For All:
For All – which means, boys and girls, it’s as much your country as it is mine.
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I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands; one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
On a beautiful morning planes went in the air,
bringing along destruction, despair.
As our nation turned it’s eyes to the sky,
wondering why so many had died.
As the Towers lay in ruins all around,
while ashes and soot covered the ground.
The country was shocked and silently stood,
sharing our grief as only we could.
The people who did this thought to bring us down,
but with tears in our eyes we stood our ground.
You may have hurt us and a river we’ve cried,
But we did it together hand in hand, side by side.
Though the outcome right now may look pretty grave,
We are still the land of the free and the home of the brave.
And the one thing we’ve learned on this saddest of days,
Is NO ONE can take our freedom away.
–B. Krantz–Pittston, Pa
To view the video, click here.
MARTHA STEWART KNOCKS TRUMP FOR FIRING HIS SIDEKICK… The DONALD FIRES BACK
The Donald Trump-Martha Stewart feud seems to be back on, with Stewart blasting Trump for firing his former “Apprentice” sidekick, Carolyn Kepcher. Martha says, “Donald is out of control. By the time he’s finished, he will have fired everyone around him and there will be nobody left.” But in, his own statement on Friday, Trump shot back, saying: “Martha will always be upset with me because her version of “The Apprentice” was a complete failure and my version remains a tremendous success. Despite that, I still love Martha.” The two moguls first butted heads in October 2005, when Trump blamed Stewart for her “Apprentice” spin-off pulling viewers away from his own version.
Jessica Simpson Is Proud of `Newlyweds’
Today on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” Jessica Simpson tells Ellem about her public divorce from Nick Lachey, houses, and, well … whether she would do a reality show again, post-”Newlyweds.” Jessica says, “I’m so proud of that show. I’m so proud of that relationship that I was in. I’m proud of the marriage that I had, and I think that Nick is an amazing man. I regret nothing and it made me who I am right now.” And as for love, Jessica says: “I think I’m too hard to be in love with. … It ends up on the cover of every magazine. … I scare people away.”
ABC Aired It’s 9-11 ‘Docu-Drama’
ABC moved forward with its miniseries “The Path to 9/11″ last night, despite angry calls from former Clinton administration officials not to air it because it contained fabricated scenes about their actions prior to terrorist attacks. But ABC did some tweaking to its five-hour movie. Part 1 aired last night, and twice, the network de-emphasized the role of the 9/11 commission’s final report as source material for the film.
INTERESTING TO NOTE: George Bush will cross paths with ABC’s mini-series “The Path to 9/11.” ABC has scheduled a 20-minute break during the second night of its controversial miniseries on the East Coast to accommodate a televised presidential address scheduled for tonight. Bush, who is slated to give a speech at 9 p.m. ET concerning the fifth anniversary of the terrorist attacks.
WOMAN WINS $1 MILLION LOTTERY…AGAIN!
While most of us are wondering how to pay our rent, mortgages, or back to school shopping bills… a woman in New York won a $1 million scratch-off lottery game jackpot, for a 2nd time! 56 year-old Valerie Wilson won her first mil in 2002 in a game that had odds on winning the top prize of 1 in 5.2 million. Then, last week she won another million bucks on a different scratch-off game. In case you were wondering, her chances of winning both games were a ridiculously slim 1 in 3.6 TRILLION! Regardless, shell accept her latest loot in $50,000 installments over the next 20 years. And she says that unlike the first time around when she used her winnings to help buy homes for her three children, this time she’s spending it all on herself. Still, she’ll still work at a deli on Long Island.
We have a follow-up to the story of the bartender at Applebee’s getting a $10,000.
The bartender at an Applebee’s restaurant in Kansas, who last week was left a $10,000 tip by a regular customer, now has the cash. Cindy Kienow got a check from the franchise owner for $6,300. That’s her share of the tip, after taxes. The customer left the tip on August 27th, a $10,000 tip on a $26 meal. But since he paid by credit card, the restaurant wanted to make sure it was a valid charge before giving the bartender the money. As for the generous customer, she says she doesn’t really know him very well. She thinks he’s someone who appreciated the fact that she took the time to talk to him.
The Elephant That SPEAKS??? What does the talking elephant say?
An elephant has learned to talk. Jumbo Kosik’s vocabulary is 8-words deep, includes yes, no, sit and lie down in KOREAN. The 16-year-old male talks by putting its trunk in its mouth and shaking it like a person using his fingers to whistle. But handlers at the Everland zoo in Seoul, South Korea, don’t know if the Asian elephant understands what he is saying. They have invited scientists to listen to him.
Location: FedExForum, 191 Beale St., Memphis, TN 38103
LINEUP/REGISTRATION: No one will be allowed to line up prior to 6:00AM, Friday, September 1, 2006. Registration begins Friday, September 1, and continues to the morning of Sunday, September 3.
Actual Auditions: Sunday, September 3, 2006 / Approximate start 8:00AM
Line Up: Main Entrance Plaza Doors (Third Street side) and down Beale Street Alley; Look for the “Front Of Line” banner.
Parking: $5 per entrance per car, no in or out privileges available in the Ford Parking Garage located on Linden Avenue (south side of the building).
No Food & Beverage allowed in the building; all those auditioning will be subject to search.
Candy Spelling Sells Beverly Hills Mansion For $130 Million
The wife of TV producer Aaron Spelling reportedly sold her Beverly Hills mansion for $130 million. Candy Spelling had asked $150 million, but sold the 56,000 sq. ft. mansion to an Arab prince for $130 million. Her representative denied both the sale and the buyer. Tori Spelling reportedly received an inheritance of less than $1 million despite her father’s estate being valued at $500 million. Candy and Tori are said to be at odds, since the death of Aaron Spelling in June.
Kirstie Alley Still Plans To Show Off Her Weight Loss In A Bikini
Formerly “Fat Actress” Kirstie Alley is keeping her promise to appear in a bikini on The Oprah Winfrey Show Show in November. Alley has lost 75 lbs. in the past two years on the Jenny Craig diet program. She now weighs in at 145 lbs. and says her goal is “a firm toned 135 lbs”.
Donald Trump fires his sidekick Carolyn!!!
After ten years of service, Donald Trump reportedly fired his 36 year-old Apprentice sidekick, Carolyn Kepcher. Carolyn was running the Trump National Golf Club in New York and helping him to supervise the Trump National in New Jersey. One insider says she became a prima donna”, and “being on ‘The Apprentice’ went to her head. She was no longer focused on business. She was giving speeches for $25,000 and doing endorsements.” Trump tried to reach her recently but she was off on a trip to make a speech. Meanwhile, Trump has already replaced her on Apprentice with his daughter, Ivanka, and has already been shooting the new season for five weeks now.
How would like to be a bartender at an Applebees and receive a $10,000.00 tip?
An Applebees bartender in Hutchinson, Kansas, once received a $100 tip from one of her regular customers on a tab that wasn’t even half of that amount. This week, that same customer added a couple of zeros to the tip. 35 year-old Cindy Kienow reportedly received a $10,000 tip from the man for a $26 meal. Cindy admits, “I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to say. She said the man comes in several times a month and eats at the end of the bar. A rep for Applebees confirms the amount saying, “We did have a guest leave this tip on a credit card, and we’re doing everything to make sure it’s a valid charge. Nothing would make us happier than to present her with that check. She’s been with us for eight years, and she’s a great employee who does a great job.”
We go from Snakes On a Plane to Snakes At a Convenience Store!
Crooks used snakes to frighten two store clerks at Leake’s Kwik Shop in Forrest City, Arkansas. Three guys came in with two baby snakes, possibly garter snakes, and used them to scare store clerk Bethany Hatcher and a coworker. The clerks were so scared that they ran and hid in the back of the store. While the ladies were hiding, the young men stole Hatcher’s car keys and took her car. Police were called. After leading police on a chase and wrecking Hatcher’s car in a ditch, 26-year-old Kendrick Coleman, 18-year-old Deuntarious Tiswell and a 15-year-old were arrested. All three have been charged with theft of property over 25-hundred-dollars, fleeing and criminal mischief in the second degree.
How can food be confused as a weapon in school?
A call about a possible weapon at a New Mexico middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. Someone called authorities after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High. The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt. (According to Principal Diana Russell, “I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.”)
CANNIBALS AT WORK
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity,
“You are all part of our team now,” said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any employees.”
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.”
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly. “You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.”
