Mike and Mandy In The Morning!

WATCH YOUR HEAD…TROUT ARE FALLING
It’s raining trout in Colorado. The state Division of Wildlife is stocking hundreds of lakes with 325,000 trout dropped from airplanes. The planes get within 125 feet of the lake surface before releasing the fish so they don’t dry out before they hit the water.  The fish are dropped from a hopper mounted on the plane’s

HOLY WATER BANNED FROM AIRPORTS
Earlier this week, a group of Catholic pilgrims, who’d just filled up bottles of holy water at the Our Lady of Lourdes Cathedral in France, tried to get on a plane to Rome.  And they were all told they couldn’t bring more than three ounces of holy water onboard.  These people were the first people to fly on a new airline, called Mistral Air, which was built to fly people to and from different Catholic pilgrimage destinations. Mistral Air is going to start regular service next year…and to make sure this doesn’t happen again, they’re going to pre-bottle holy water for their fliers, and have it waiting for them on their seats when they board the planes.

AN ELEPHANT BREAKS INTO A CIRCUS
There’s a 26-year-old wild bull elephant in Raniganj, in eastern India, who is a PLAYA!!!  On Wednesday, said wild bull elephant SMASHED through the tin walls of a circus that was in Raniganj…so he could get into the stable where the circus kept their trained, tamed performance elephants.  Once he was inside, he managed to quickly SEDUCE a female elephant, named Savitri.  . . AND get her to RUN AWAY with him.  They left the circus together, and, according to people who saw them, they were, quote, “much in love.”  There are only two problems.  One:  Losing an elephant costs the circus owner a lot…Savitri is worth an estimated $9,700.  And two:  Apparently, Savitri was very close with another female elephant in the circus…and since she ditched her friend to run off with a guy, that other female elephant has been moping and refusing to perform.

OLE MISS FIGHTS BACK

What did the Memphis grad say to the Ole Miss grad?
……Paper or Plastic??

DAVID BECKHAM WILL BE ON THE BENCH AGAIN: 
The DAVID BECKHAM Experiment continues to be an ABJECT FAILURE.  Beckham…still recovering from an ankle injury…sprained his KNEE 33 minutes into a match for the L.A. Galaxy yesterday.  He’s out for another six weeks.  And Galaxy lost 4 to 3, if you care.  The earliest Beckham could return is mid-October.  By that time, the Galaxy will only have THREE games left in the regular season.  With their record at 3-10-5, there’s not much hope of making the playoffs.

THE WWE SUSPENDS 10 WRESTLERS
The WWE announced yesterday that it had suspended 10 wrestlers for violating the company’s “wellness policy”…a.k.a. its DRUG policy.  The WWE said it handed out the suspensions based on independent information received by the District Attorney’s office in Albany, New York.  It’s not clear what the Albany connection is, but the suspended wrestlers apparently showed up on a list of clients of Signature Pharmacy in Orlando, Florida.  Signature had been busted in February for distributing steroids and other prescription drugs illegally.  We have a list of 15 supposed clients of Signature on the WWE roster…10 of which MAY be the ones suspended.  They include:  Randy Orton, Edge, Batista, Booker T, Mr. Kennedy, Umaga, Chavo Guerrero, John Morrison, Chris Masters, Shane Helms, Charlie Haas, William Regal, Santino Marella, Simon Dean, Funaki.

A MAN IN GERMANY WINS A FREAKY LAWSUIT
Several months ago, a man in Koblenz, in western Germany…whose name hasn’t been released…was having brain surgery at a hospital.  The doctors had to SAW OFF the top of the guy’s head, and put it in cold storage while they operated on his brain.  BUT…it turned out their refrigerator was BROKEN…so the top of the guy’s head and his skull just sat there, for hours, at room temperature.  That KILLED them…and the doctors ended up having to give the guy a new, plastic, prosthetic top of the head.  From that day on, the guy started having terrible headaches…he had trouble with balance…and, for some reason, he says he was, quote, “unduly sensitive to the weather.”  So he sued the hospital for $27,300.  This week, he WON his lawsuit…but the court found that the brain surgery, NOT the fake plastic skull, was the reason for his problems…so they knocked the money down to only $4,100.

OLD WOMAN SMOKES
An iron-lunged South London woman has celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette from a candle on her birthday cake. The 100-year-old started smoking only days after the First World War broke out in June 1914 when she was just seven-years-old – and has gone through five a day ever since.  She has no intention of quitting, “I have smoked ever since infant school and I have never thought about quitting. There were not all the health warnings like there are today when I started. It was the done thing.”

THE WEIRDEST, FREAKIEST FUNERAL YOU’VE EVER HEARD OF IN YOUR LIFE!
Freaky Funeral:  For most of his adult life, Britain’s Leslie Wright was a delivery courier. So when he passed away recently at the ripe old age of 71, his loved ones wanted to make sure he remained a courier even in the afterlife. So, they shipped his body to his funeral in a coffin-shaped cardboard box inside his old delivery van. The box was marked just like a packing crate, stamped “fragile,” “this way up” and “handle with care.” Inside was Leslie, dressed in his work uniform of burgundy pants and jacket with a white T-shirt. When the box arrived at the crematorium, his family even got the funeral director to sign a form, in duplicate, accepting delivery of the remains. And the address on the box? “Cloud 9, Peace and Quiet Road, Heaven, Near Scotland.”

Ole Miss -VS- U of M

What does an Ole Miss grad say to a U of M grad?

Would you like fries with your order.

WEIRD DUI:
A little over a week ago, 55-year-old Edwin Marzinske of Abbotsford, Wisconsin, was out having a few drinks with his friend, 43-year-old Harvey Miller… who doesn’t have any legs.  When it was time to go home… somehow, these two guys thought THIS would be a good idea.  They piled into Edwin’s 1985 Chevrolet truck… Edwin was in the driver’s seat, working the pedals… and Harvey SAT ON HIS LAP, handling the steering.  Believe it or not, they were SWERVING and driving erratically…and a cop ended up pulling them over.  And, since they were both participating in the driving… BOTH guys got hit with DUIs.  In their drunken logic, they thought they’d found a legal loophole:  Since NEITHER of them was totally operating the vehicle… they thought they’d both be immune to DUIs. Even though Harvey has NO LEGS… this was his THIRD drunk driving offense.  It was Edwin’s second.

AD CAMPAIGN INADVERTENTLY PROMOTES VIOLENT STREET GANGS!
It was a bad week last week for the state of Virginia.  Part of their “Live Passionately” ad campaign included a logo with a pair of human hands using thumbs and forefingers to form a heart shape.  Sounds innocent enough, but it happens to be the gang sign of Chicago’s notorious Gangster Disciples!!!  Certainly the state didn’t mean to promote one of America’s most violent street gangs.  “Obviously, this is disappointing, said Alisa Bailey of the state tourism office.

MAN HOOKED IN THE MOUTH LIKE A FISH
A Dutch boy was enjoying a day of fishing on the North Sea when he felt a strong pull on his line.  He thinks that he’s caught “The Big One!”  In a matter of speaking, he did.  Was it a giant squid?  A Great White?  A whale?  No!  It was a scuba diver!!!!!  Diver Wim van Huffelen said, “I heard a sound on my head and immediately I felt a jerk on my lip.”  That’s right, he got hooked in the mouth!!!

THE BLONDE AND THE CAR THIEF

The young blonde woman from Mississippi came running into her office and said to her boss, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”

The young blonde swelled with pride as she answered, “I couldn’t tell, but don’t worry…I got his license number.”

APPARENTLY, OWEN WILSON *DID* TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE:
It looks like OWEN WILSON did try to kill himself.  On their log for Sunday, Santa Monica Police have the call listed as a, quote, “suicide attempt”.  We still don’t know WHY Owen wanted to take his own life, but the “New York Post” claims he did it right after, quote, “a vicious quarrel with an unidentified friend.”  Meanwhile, a so-called “source” told the “Post” that Owen’s troubles really had nothing to do with ex-girlfriend KATE HUDSON and her new boyfriend, DAX SHEPARD, being seen publicly making out over the weekend.

MADONNA’S NEW MANNY RULES 
MADONNA just hired herself a new “manny”. . . whose sole job is to look after her adopted son, David.  He’ll be paid between $3,000 and $4,000 a month.  But the rules are a little strict.  He’s a live-in, and he needs to be available to Madonna and David 24-7, but Madonna is not letting him have ANY LADIES over.  He also can’t watch TV or read newspapers or magazines. . . because Madonna wants to, quote, “take away the glare of celebrity from their everyday lives”.

BRITNEY RAN OUT OF GAS AND GOT A PARKING TICKET YESTERDAY: 
Normally, I’m not interested in BRITNEY SPEARS’ every move. . . but this is somewhat humorous. . .
Yesterday, Britney was on her way into Beverly Hills when her car ran out of gas IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.  Britney wasn’t driving. . . her bodyguard was.  And the boys, Sean and Jayden, were in the backseat.  FOUR Beverly Hills policemen ended up pushing the car to a nearby gas station for her.

GROWING UP AND USING “BIG PEOPLE WORDS”

A class of kindergartners was trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on  “NO baby talk!”

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big people’ words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

Mitchell said, “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

To which the teacher replied, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the CRAP.”

OWEN WILSON ISSUED A STATEMENT YESTERDAY
OWEN WILSON issued a statement yesterday that, predictably, tells us NOTHING about what happened on Sunday.  He said, quote, “I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time.”  Both the “Star” and the “National Enquirer” claim Owen tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists and taking some pills. Yesterday, “Extra” took a “slight” leap in logic and tried to connect Owen’s alleged depression to the end of his relationship with KATE HUDSON.  They said that all of this happened, quote, “just hours after [Kate] and her reported new boyfriend, comedian DAX SHEPARD, were spotted kissing at a grocery store in nearby Pacific Palisades.”

NICK HOGAN WILL BE OKAY…BUT HIS PASSENGER MIGHT NOT: 
NICK HOGAN…the 17-year-old son of HULK HOGAN…is going to be okay after that HORRIFIC crash Sunday night in Clearwater, Florida.  His passenger, 22-year-old John Graziano, might NOT be okay.  He’s still in the hospital in critical condition.  There are witnesses who say that Nick was drag-racing a silver Dodge Viper when he lost control of his Toyota Supra at a high rate of speed, hit the median, spun out and smashed into a palm tree. Anyone who watches the VH1 reality show “Hogan Knows Best” knows that NICK HOGAN is a serious speed demon.  In fact Nick has been popped for speeding FOUR TIMES since last September.  His most recent bust came just over two weeks ago, on August 10th, when he was clocked doing 85 in a 45 miles per hour CONSTRUCTION ZONE…at 10:30 A.M., while workers were on the job.

BRITNEY SPEARS IS BEING INVESTIGATED BY CHILD SERVICES…AGAIN:
It isn’t the first time, and it probably won’t be the last, but BRITNEY SPEARS is being investigated again by the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services.  TMZ.com says the investigation is not over PHYSICAL mistreatment of the kids.  Instead, it involves allegations of, quote, “poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits” for the kids.

THE TEXAS STATE FAIR ONCE AGAIN EXPANDS OUR MINDS AS TO WHAT KINDS OF FOOD YOU CAN DEEP FRY:
If there’s one state’s fair that is always on the cutting edge of deep frying…it’s Texas’. And this year is NO EXCEPTION. The Texas State Fair is the birthplace of the corn dog (–in 1942). Last year, the fair’s annual Big Tex Choice Awards cooking contest introduced us to DEEP FRIED COKE and PRALINES. And this year, all seven award finalists are deep fried…#1.) DEEP FRIED GUACAMOLE BITES. #2.) DEEP FRIED COOKIE DOUGH. #3.) DEEP FRIED PEACH COBBLER ON A STICK. #4.) DEEP FRIED CHILI FRITO BURRITO. #5.) DEEP FRIED SWEET POTATO PIE. #6.) DEEP FRIED BANANA PUDDING. #7.) Our personal favorite: DEEP FRIED LATTES. A pastry, fried. Topped with cappuccino ice cream, caramel sauce, whipped cream and instant coffee powder. Last year, the people of Texas…God bless ‘em…spent more than $26 MILLION on food and rides at the State Fair; on October 7th alone, they spent $2.5 MILLION at the State Fair…just on food.

STUPID CRIMINALS!!!
“Let’s see. Weapon? Check. Ski mask? Check. Lucky underpants? Check. Angry tough guy face? Check. Well looks like I’m all set for that bank robbery. According to the Associated Press, a bank robber fled the scene of a robbery in Michigan because he didn’t bring a bag to carry the money. The suspect entered the bank wearing a disguise and handed the teller a cardboard note that instructed her to give him all the money. It should be noted the note was written in crayon. The robber told the teller to hurry up and when the teller asked if he had a bag to put the money in, he got flustered and took off without the loot. Apparently, he had a hard time deciding between paper and plastic.

THE DENVER BRONCOS’ TRAVIS HENRY SAYS HIS $25 MILLION CONTRACT ISN’T ENOUGH TO PAY HIS NINE BABY MAMAS:
According to a report in the “Atlanta Journal-Constitution”, Travis Henry has NINE children with NINE different baby mamas in Florida, North Carolina, Tennessee and Georgia!!! He pays child support to seven of them. Oh, by the way…he’s only 28 years old. He has a $25 MILLION contract…but, apparently, because of his ridiculous spending, he’s having trouble paying all of his child support on time. One example: Earlier this year, Henry got a $1 MILLION bonus…but even though he was behind on child support, he bought a new Mercedes and a bunch of gold jewelry. This week, a judge in Atlanta decided that Henry couldn’t be trusted with his money…so he’s requiring Henry to put at least $250,000 in a child support trust fund by the spring. BTW, Henry’s lawyer says, “he’s a really committed father.”

RECYCLED PARROT

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.  There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute…and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,  “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
“New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”

A MAN’S COUNTERFEITING SCHEME IS FOILED BY A GROUP OF STRIPPERS:
A few months ago, Damon Armagost of Smyrna, Tennessee, had been running a small-time counterfeiting operation out of his house.  And he might’ve gotten away with it…if he hadn’t run into a team of CRIME FIGHTING STRIPPERS.  On April 16th, Damon went to the Déjà Vu strip club in downtown Nashville…and he was MAKING IT RAIN with his counterfeit bills. The bills had fooled other people in the past…but a few of the strippers noticed something was off about Damon’s $100 bills…and they called the cops. On Friday, Damon pleaded guilty to making counterfeit bills.  He’ll be sentenced on November 5th;  the maximum sentence for counterfeiting is TWENTY YEARS in prison.

The Ol’ “Tell The Lottery Winner He Only Won $4 And Keep The Rest Trick”– Backfires
A fella who thought he was a lottery winner in Roseville, California, will likely check his own numbers from now on, after a store clerk told him he’d won only $4– and then pocketed the $555,000 winning lottery ticket herself. 40 year-old Rajinder Kaur was arrested on grand theft. She is accused of stealing the winning Mega Million ticket at the 7-Eleven where she works.

THE  UGLIEST CARS OF ALL TIME:
“Business Week” magazine just finished a survey, asking people to name the UGLIEST cars of all time.  They put together the top 10.  Chevrolet and AMC both got three cars in the top 10.  Ford has two.  The only modern-era car on the list:  The Pontiac Aztek. In no particular order, here’s the top 10:  CHEVROLET CHEVETTE, FORD EDSEL, AMC MATADOR, CHEVROLET CORVAIR, AMC GREMLIN, CHEVROLET VEGA, PONTIAC AZTEK, FORD PINTO, YUGO, AMC PACER.

OWEN WILSON MAKES A SUICIDE ATTEMPT??? 
We have no official details to pass along to you yet, but TMZ.com, the “Star” and the “National Enquirer” are all reporting that OWEN WILSON is hospitalized following some kind of, quote, “serious incident” in Los Angeles yesterday.  The “Star” and the “Enquirer” are calling this a SUICIDE ATTEMPT.  They say Owen SUPERFICIALLY slashed both his wrists and took a bunch of pills.  His brother Andrew found him at Owen’s house in Santa Monica, with a nearly-empty bottle of pills next to him.  Andrew and their other brother LUKE are said to be with Owen at an undisclosed hospital.

IS “THE CROCODILE HUNTER” STEVE IRWIN’S WIFE DATING HIS BEST FRIEND????
The “National Enquirer” claims that “Crocodile Hunter” STEVE IRWIN’S widow, TERRI, is dating his best friend and co-worker, JOHN STAINTON.  Stainton was with Irwin when he was killed by a stingray last September.  He was even the one who broke the news to Terri.

THE LATEST RUMORED PARTICIPANT ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS”
“Sports Illustrated” is reporting that hyper Dallas Mavericks owner MARK CUBAN will be competing on the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars  There’s no official word yet…but we’ll find out for sure soon enough.  Next season’s stars will be announced on “The Mike & Mandy Show” this Wednesday.

A 59-YEAR-OLD MAN MAKES THE FOOTBALL TEAM
In 1969, 21-year-old Mike Flynt was a linebacker on the football team at Sul Ross State University in western Texas.  Before his senior year in 1971, he was kicked off the team for getting into a fight.  Now, he’s 59.  And, a few months ago, he was sitting around with his friends from the team, talking about their biggest regrets.  Mike said his was getting thrown off the team.  One of his friends said that if it bothered him that much, he should do something about it.  So…Mike did.  With one year of athletic eligibility left, he RE-ENROLLED at Sul Ross…and went out for the football team.  And here’s the amazing part:  Yesterday, his coach announced that he was good enough to MAKE THE TEAM.  He may even play in their opening game, on September 1st, against Texas Lutheran.  He’s in incredible shape…he’s eight years older than his new coach…and he’s got two kids who are older than any of his teammates.  The coach hasn’t said what position Mike will play on the team.

THE WOMAN WHO TRIED TO RECYCLE HERSELF!!
An unnamed 35-year-old British Woman deposited some of her old clothes in a recycling bin and as she was walking away, she had a change of heart.  She wanted the clothes back!!  A few hours later another re-cyclist happened by and discovered a pair of ankles and feet protruding from the used-clothing bin and called the Fire Department.  She had to be rescued by the Jaws of Life as they had to cut her out of the bin.  “She was only saved thanks to someone else turning up,” said fireman Mark Innes.
(The Week, issue 322)

A GUY WINS $150,000 FOR HIS BOSS MAKING RACIAL SLURS. 
On Tuesday, 48-year-old Mark Pasternak of Buffalo, New York, got a $150,000 judgment in federal court, as he successfully sued his former company and boss for racial discrimination.  The twist?  Mark is WHITE.  Back in 1999, he worked for the New York State Office of Children and Family Services.  He says he was having huge trouble at work because his boss, Tommy Baines, who is black, called him things like “cracker”, “polack” and “stupid white boy”.  Eventually, he was dismissed from his job.  So he sued for racial discrimination.  It’s VERY rare that white people win reverse racism cases…most of them are settled or dismissed before they go to trial…and, if they DO go to trial, the settlements aren’t usually as high as $150,000.  Baines never denied making the comments.

LINDSAY LOHAN WILL SERVE *ONE DAY* IN PRISON: 
LINDSAY LOHAN’S attorney worked some magic yesterday…arranging a plea agreement that will see her serve ONE DAY behind bars for her two DUI arrests this year.  The prosecutors decided not to hit Lindsay with FELONY cocaine charges in either case.  Instead, they charged her with SEVEN misdemeanors.  Including two counts each of driving with a blood-alcohol level over 0.08 and being under the influence of cocaine…plus one count of reckless driving.  In addition to her day in jail, Lindsay will have to do 10 days of community service, attend an 18-month alcohol-education program and serve three years’ probation, during which she won’t be allowed to associate with drug users.  And check THIS out:  Lindsay also has to attend a three-day county coroner program…in which she’ll visit a MORGUE and talk to victims of drunk driving.  She has to complete all the terms of her sentence by January 18th.!

NICOLE RICHIE WENT TO JAIL YESTERDAY…FOR 82 MINUTES: 

NICOLE RICHIE turned herself in yesterday afternoon at PARASITE HILTON’S alma mater, the Century Regional Detention Facility.  And 82 minutes later, her debt to society was paid.  Nicole was supposed to spend four days behind bars for her December DUI.  But as usual, the cops denied she was given any special treatment.  A Los Angeles County Sheriff’s spokesman said, quote, “At this time, the criteria for a female arrestee sentenced to 30 days or less for a nonviolent offense is as follows:  The arrestee is booked, screened and usually released within 12 hours.  “This procedure is based on jail overcrowding to manage population levels mandated by federal court guidelines.”  In case you care, Nicole’s booking sheet lists her at 5-foot-1 and an absolutely massive 105 pounds.

JERRY LEWIS SAYS MERV GRIFFIN DESERVED TO DIE
This is cold.  True, perhaps, but still cold.  JERRY LEWIS says that his longtime friend, MERV GRIFFIN, DESERVED TO DIE.  He told “Entertainment Tonight”, quote, “I was very angry when I heard he died.  He didn’t have to die.  He knew he had prostate cancer and he did nothing about it.  He deserved to die.”  Jerry would also like you to know that he’s not going anywhere until he’s outlived GEORGE BURNS…who died at 100.  He says, quote, “I’m going to go for 101, and I want a television special for my 101st birthday.”

DIRECTIONS

Little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of a store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?”

Little Johnny replied, “Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked Little Johnny and said, “I’m the new preacher in town and I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

Little Johnny chuckled and said, “Aawww, come on; you don’t even know the way to the post office!”

ITEMS YOU WILL NEED:
- Approximately 3 tablespoons of CRYSTAL Drano
- Medium glass or glass jar (preferably one you don’t intend to use again)

STEP 1
You will need a urine sample of about two to three ounces. The urine sample must be fresh – preferably the first of the morning.

STEP 2
Take the test materials outside.
With the urine in the glass or jar, carefully pour the Drano on top.
You will want to have about equal amounts of urine and Drano.

STEP 3
Observe.

If the really nasty-smelling concoction darkens to a brownish color within the first 10 seconds, IT’S A BOY!

If it just sits there for more than 10-15 seconds, IT’S A GIRL.

In either case,  IT’S GOING TO SMELL REALLY BAD, AND YOU’LL WANT TO HOSE IT DOWN FAIRLY QUICKLY!

MEMPHIAN CALLS 9-1-1

It’s been so hot in Memphis…that a pedestrian collapsed while crossing the street.

A concerned citizen called 9-1-1.

9-1-1 Operator:  This is 9-1-1.  How may I assist you?

Concerned Citizen:  Yeah!  Yeah! Ya’ll need to come get this dude.  He just fell down!  Right in the middle of the road!

9-1-1 Operator:  What is you location, sir?

Concerned Citizen:  I’m at the corner of Tchulahoma and Shelby Drive!  You need to hurry, he’s just laying there in the middle of the street!

9-1-1 Operator:  Would you spell that street location for me, sir.

Concerned Citizen:  You mean “Tchulahoma”?

9-1-1 Operator:  That’s right.  Would you spell that for me.

Concerned Citizen:  Yeah!  Yeah!  Sure!  Um….C-H-U….  There’s no street sign!

9-1-1 Operator:  Just give me a quick spelling….

Concerned Citizen:  Ok!  OK!  T-U-L….  Hold on….  Tell you what….  Give me five minutes and you can pick the dude up at Shelby Drive and Lamar!

STUPID CRIMINALS
A quick-thinking convenience store clerk taught a robber an important lesson in Albany, New York- never put down your gun. The gun man demanded money from the clerk, but the thief started counting his money and forgot to keep his gun trained on the clerk. The clerk grabbed the gun as soon as the crook set it down on the counter.  The thief decides to takes flight!  But as he’s running away, our brain-thrust of a criminal goes back to the store to get his weapon back!!!!  A struggle with the store clerk ensued and the man left the store with the money and no gun.  A city sanitation worker saw the robber’s license plate number and gave it to police to track him down and arrested him at his home.

SPOON SAVES WOMAN’S LIFE
On Monday morning, 73-year-old Joy Horton of Sodus, New York (–upstate, just east of Rochester), was in her kitchen, cooking some breakfast, when she dropped a spoon on the floor.  As she bent down to pick it up…HER HOUSE EXPLODED.  And Joy survived…ONLY because she was bending over at the time to get that spoon.  The kitchen sink and countertops kept debris from hitting her, and she was able to crawl out from underneath the rubble without ANY injuries.  The cause of the explosion is still under investigation.  Right now, investigators believe it started in the basement, but they’re not sure what caused it.

THE WORLD’S OLDEST FATHER HAS HIS 21ST CHILD…AT AGE 90:
We’re not sure how this is biologically possible…but it’s being reported by legit sources. According to reports, 90-year-old Nanu Ram Jogi, a farmer in northwest India, just FATHERED a child, his 21st child, making him the oldest father in the world.  Two weeks ago, his fourth wife gave birth to a baby girl.  Jogi says, quote, “Women love me.  I want to have more children.  I can survive another few decades and want to have children until I am 100.”  He says he’s lived so long thanks to lots of walks, eating meat and drinking camel’s milk.  Jogi has 21 children and 20 grandchildren, all of whom live in six houses near his.  His oldest daughter is 64 YEARS OLD!!!  It gets even FREAKIER:  He’s had seven children with his newest wife, Saburi(his third wife). She used to be married to Jogi’s SON…but, after he died 10 years ago, Saburi says, quote, “He promised to look after me, and now we have seven children.”