Mike and Mandy In The Morning!

JAMIE LYNN SAYS SHE LEARNED HOW TO BE A GOOD MOM…FROM HER OWN MOM: 
The “OK!” magazine with the now-infamous JAMIE LYNN SPEARS pregnancy interview is out.  Here are a few more quotes from it that we hadn’t already heard…The one that might make you squirt espresso out your nostrils is this one…in which Jamie Lynn predicts that she’ll be a good mom, due to all she’s learned from HER mother. She says, quote, “I love babies, and I have my nephews that I love.  I have a great mom and she has raised three kids, so if I take lessons from her, I think I’ll be great.  All my friends have little brothers or sisters.”

TERRELL OWENS SAYS HE WAS *JOKING* WHEN HE ATTACKED JESSICA SIMPSON: 
TERRELL OWENS now says he was JOKING when he accused JESSICA SIMPSON of distracting TONY ROMO during the Dallas Cowboys’ loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday.  He says, quote, “I tried to get [Romo] to call her so I can explain to her that she doesn’t really know me and that I can be funny.  And that everything I say, the media will take it and run with it.  It’s not a big deal.  I will try to rectify the situation between her and I.”  Meanwhile…if you’re a Dallas HATER, and you actually have tickets to one of their games, you might want to visit a new website called RuinRomo.com.  There, you can print out your very own PAPER JESSICA SIMPSON MASK to bring to the game with you.

AND NOW ANOTHER TRASHY MOMENT WITH BRITNEY SPEARS!!!
Just when you thought America’s trashiest celebrity family couldn’t get any trashier, we have this…BRITNEY SPEARS went to an upscale baby boutique in Hollywood and bought a gift basket for JAMIE LYNN and her baby.  Along with all the stuff she bought for the baby, Britney also picked up a black tank top for her sister, with the words “Hot Mama 2 B” on the front.  Yeah…for her 16-year-old pregnant sister.  Here’s a picture of the shirt…

LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT     

It was Christmas Eve and Dave had still not bought anything for his wife for Christmas.

So, on his way home, he stopped at a fancy department store.

I’ll just get her some nice perfume, he thought, as he entered the store.

Walking up to the perfume counter, Dave said, “I’m looking for a nice perfume for my wife for Christmas.”

The cosmetics clerk said, “Certainly, we have several very fine perfumes.”

And she proceeded to show him a bottle of “Elegance”, which cost $75 an ounce.

“That’s a bit out of my price range,” Dave said.

The clerk returned a moment later with another perfume, “Leave Him Wondering”, for only $35 an ounce.

“That’s still quite a lot,” he grumbled.

So the clerk brought out a bottle of “Smells Like Heaven”, only $20  an ounce.

At this, Dave grew a bit angry.  “Geez,” he exclaimed, “Can’t you show me something real cheap?”

In response, the clerk handed him a mirror.

THE LIGHT BULB, AS WE KNOW IT, WILL BE GONE BY 2014:
Think about this for a second: Any kid who’s born in the next few years isn’t going to know what a light bulb is. At least, not the light bulbs that we know…with the big round top and the small round neck. (–The kind of light bulb that pops up over your head when you have an idea.) Starting in 2012, under Congress’s new energy laws, the incandescent light bulb is going to be phased out, because it’s too energy inefficient. And by 2014, the only kind of light bulbs you’ll be able to get are those corkscrew shaped, energy-efficient fluorescent ones. Those light bulbs cost more…about $3 each, instead of about 50 cents for a regular bulb. But you end up saving WAY more than that over time, since the new light bulbs last five years, instead of a few months. If you need to buy 30 bulbs for your house, it will cost $90…but, over five years, you’ll save between $440 and $1,500…which is what you would’ve spent replacing the old-school light bulbs over and over. The new bulbs also cut your electric bill by about 12%. The reason: They’re WAY more energy efficient…they use 75% less energy than a standard light bulb.

MAN IS REUNITED WITH HIS BIRTH MOTHER…WHEN HE FIGURES OUT THEY WORK AT THE SAME LOWE’S:
When Steve Flaig was born in Plainfield Township, Michigan, in 1985, his mother put him up for adoption. She left the adoption record open, though, in case he ever wanted to contact her. Now Steve’s 22 years old…and he still lives in Plainfield Township with his adoptive parents, Pat and Lois Flaig. Earlier this year, he decided he wanted to try to find his birth mother, so he started searching. He got his mother’s name, Christine Tallady, from the adoption agency, and plugged it into Google. He found a home address for a Christine that was less than a MILE away from the Lowe’s hardware store where he works in Grand Rapids. And when he mentioned it to his boss at Lowe’s, his boss said, quote, “You mean Chris Tallady? She works here.” Amazingly, it turns out, since April, Christine has been a cashier at the SAME Lowe’s where Steve is a delivery driver. But, instead of walking up to her at work and saying, “Hey, guess what? I’m your son. Cool?”…Steve had the adoption agency call her and tell her. Christine says she’s really excited that Steve got in touch with her; and they’re going to get together…outside of work…during Christmas.

Mr Turtle Gets Eaten By A Golden Retriever… Both LIVE
A palm-sized pet turtle was gobbled up by a golden retriever. Both survived, thanks to a quick-thinking 12-year-old Florida girl. The girl (Shelby Terihay) moved her pet pond turtles indoors to protect them from a cold snap. All was fine until Bella the golden retriever found some of the turtles in a bathtub. The girl did a quick headcount and figured out that Bella had swallowed one of the turtles. She called a vet, who had the girl’s parents make Bella vomit. Out came Pepper the red-eared slider turtle… still alive despite a shattered shell and an estimated 10 minutes inside Bella’s belly. The veterinarian patched up Pepper’s shell and credited the girl with saving Bella, too. He says, “The turtle would definitely have caused an obstruction. Without cutting it out directly, it eventually would have killed the dog.”

LITTLE JOHNNY EARNS MONEY

As the kids returned to class they were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30!” she said proudly.

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

“$2,467″ he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like POOP!” Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!”

WHY DOES YOUR TONGUE STICK TO A FLAGPOLE IN THE WINTER???
If you’ve never tried putting your tongue on a flagpole in the middle of the winter, you might not believe that your tongue will actually stick to it.  Well…it WILL.  And if you try to pull away as hard as you can, you will actually RIP a chunk of your tongue off.  Frank DiSalvo is the director of the Cornell Fuel Cell Institute…and he’s got the explanation for WHY your tongue sticks to a flagpole when it’s freezing outside.  Your tongue is covered in moisture.  When the temperature is below 32 degrees, that moisture starts freezing.  So your body fights that by pumping warm blood to your tongue.  The metal of a flagpole has very high thermal conductivity.  What that means:  It absorbs heat, and it absorbs heat quickly.  It absorbs heat faster than your body can produce it.  So when you put your tongue on a flagpole in freezing weather, it sucks up all the warmth…which makes the moisture on your tongue FREEZE itself to the pole. The good news:  If you do get stuck like that, you can have someone un-stick you by pouring warm water on the area where your tongue is touching the pole.

A THIEF WHO STOLE A FAMILY’S CHRISTMAS GIFTS IS BUSTED
This is such a PERFECT way for a low-level scumbag criminal to get busted stealing Christmas presents.  Perfect.  On Tuesday afternoon, the police in Boston got a call from a family whose apartment had been robbed…the thief had taken all of their presents from under their Christmas tree.  He also took a flat-screen TV.  Fortunately, the thief is a member of our exciting league of STUPID CRIMINALS!!!!  So when the police got there, they were able to solve the case really easily.  Some of the TINSEL from the family’s Christmas tree had fallen on the presents…and when the thief was stealing them, he left a TRAIL OF TINSEL behind him.  The police followed the trail of tinsel from the victims’ door to the door of another apartment in the building.  Inside, they found 20-year-old Fernando Mays…and all of the victims’ stuff.  He was arrested and has been charged with breaking and entering.

“OK!” MAGAZINE WILL PAY JAMIE LYNN $1 MILLION WHEN HER BABY IS BORN: 
JAMIE LYNN SPEARS was paid well to spill the beans about her pregnancy to “OK!” magazine.  Or at least she WILL be.  The UNOFFICIAL word is that Jamie Lynn took nothing up front, but will receive $1 million for a photo shoot with her baby…when the kid is born, obviously.

TERRELL OWENS HAS NO LOVE FOR JESSICA SIMPSON: 
If it were earlier in the NFL season, I would mark this as the moment where TERRELL OWENS finally lets his INNER JERK run free, destroys the morale of his team and torpedoes what could have been a really good season.  Since the Dallas Cowboys already won the NFC East, he can’t do that.  But he can still be a jerk…and maybe cause enough chaos to make them self-destruct in the postseason.
Yesterday, T.O. went on a rant about JESSICA SIMPSON…who was in the stands for Sunday’s loss against the Philadelphia Eagles…in which her boyfriend, Dallas quarterback TONY ROMO, had his worst game of his career.  He said, quote, “Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite…in this locker room or in Texas Stadium.  With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and CARRIE UNDERWOOD, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away.  “Other than that, she was high on my list until last week.  Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs.  Just stay tuned.”

K-FEDERLINE KNEW ABOUT JAMIE LYNN’S PREGNANCY BEFORE BRITNEY DID:
BRITNEY SPEARS didn’t know that her 16-year-old sister, JAMIE LYNN, was pregnant until the rest of the world found out on Tuesday.  KEVIN FEDERLINE knew on MONDAY.  The “New York Post” says that Britney and Jamie Lynn’s mom, LYNNE SPEARS, told your man K-Fed ahead of time so that he could, quote, “be prepared when Britney found out.”

THE NEW HOT PRESENT THIS CHRISTMAS:  MEDICAL GIFT CARDS:
I guess this makes sense.  Everyone loves gift cards…our country’s health care system is BEYOND jacked up…so it was only a matter of time until those two things collided.  Apparently, the hot new present this Christmas is…a medical gift card.  You can buy someone a gift card that they can use for any health-related services…from doctors’ visits or deductibles to prescription co-pays to contact lenses…even to elective or life-saving surgery.  The cards are issued by Visa, so the person you give one to can use it anywhere that Visa’s accepted for health services.  They aren’t sold in stores, just online or over the phone, and you can buy one that’s worth up to $5,000.

A WOMAN SHOOTS HER HUSBAND’S PLASMA TV
On Sunday night, 911 operators in Macomb County, Michigan, got a call from 65-year-old Joseph Grucz of Washington Township, Michigan.  He told them, quote, “My wife’s got a gun.  She’s shooting at me.”  The reason:  Joseph and his wife, 61-year-old Cheryl Grucz, were arguing over the temperature.  He wanted her to turn up the heat.  She thought their electric bill was too high, so she wouldn’t do it.  They argued…and she grabbed a gun.  But, instead of shooting Joseph, Cheryl did something that might just be worse:  She shot his PLASMA TV.  The police ended up going to their house, and Cheryl was arrested.  She’s been charged with assault with intent to do great bodily harm and with a felony firearms charge…which could get her up to 10 YEARS in prison.

BILLBOARD SUGGESTS YOU GET A DIVORCE
Drivers in downtown Chicago were outraged when they saw a racy billboard saying, “Life is short. Get a divorce.” So many people complained that city workers stripped it down after only a week. Who paid for the billboard? A law office.

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS IS PREGNANT: 
Back in August, there were rumors that JAMIE LYNN SPEARS was pregnant.  They weren’t true.  BUT THEY ARE NOW.  The 16-year-old sister of BRITNEY SPEARS…whom your pre-adolescent children know as the star of Nickelodeon’s “Zoey 101″, is pregnant.  And she’s keeping the baby.  The father is one Casey Aldridge.  Jamie Lynn has been dating this guy for a while.  They met in church.  (???)  He’s 19…although he says he’s 17 on his MySpace page.  Jamie Lynn is 12 weeks along.  The new issue of “OK!” magazine, which hits newsstands TODAY, has an on-the-record interview with Jamie Lynn and her mom, LYNNE SPEARS.  Lynne says, quote, “I didn’t believe it because Jamie Lynn’s always been so conscientious.  She’s never late for her curfew.  I was in shock.  I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby.”  (Your 16-year-old Baby who’s having a BABE’!!!!!!)
Britney’s rep issued a statement yesterday saying that Britney, quote, “wishes her sister nothing but the best and asks for privacy during this time.”

LYNNE SPEARS’ PARENTING BOOK HAS BEEN DELAYED INDEFINITELY: 
Remember that PARENTING BOOK that LYNNE SPEARS was writing???  Yeah.  It’s been put on hold.  Indefinitely.  The publishing company that was putting it out, Thomas Nelson, says it’s NOT canceled, though…just delayed. The book was described as Lynne’s, quote, “personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.”  There’s no word yet how this will affect “Zoey 101″, or Jamie Lynn’s employment with Nickelodeon.  The show’s third season finale airs on January 4th…and for the moment, Nickelodeon is acting supportive.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS’ NOW INTRODUCES “NBC NIGHTLY NEWS”: 
For whatever reason, BRIAN WILLIAMS got MICHAEL DOUGLAS to record the voice that introduces him every night as the host of “NBC Nightly News”.  Brian explains, quote, “I called him and said, ‘This will mean a small slice of immortality in our industry.  It also means wherever you are on Earth, at 6:30 P.M. Eastern time, you’ll know your voice is on the air.’”   Michael’s voice was first used on Monday’s show.

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch quick!”

The bartender was impressed….and starting anticipating a huge tip!  After all, these shots were going to cost at least $50 each!

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says ” Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The man says, “Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my. What is it?  What do you have!?”

The man looks at him and says, “Fifty cents.”

LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE MOUNTED POLICEMAN

The cop gets off his horse and says to Little Johnny, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Little Johnny says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”

The cop then proceeds to issue Little Johnny a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

Little Johnny says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse’s brain instead of on his back.”

 INMATES BREAK OUT OF JAIL BY HIDING THEIR TUNNEL WITH PHOTOS OF WOMEN IN BIKINIS:
Remember in “The Shawshank Redemption”, how TIM ROBBINS breaks out of the prison by digging a tunnel, and keeps the tunnel hidden from the guards by putting posters of RITA HAYWORTH and RAQUEL WELCH over the opening???  That’s EXACTLY what happened at Union County Jail in New Jersey over the weekend.  On Saturday, two inmates, 20-year-old Jose Espinosa and 32-year-old Otis Blunt, broke out of the jail.  They’d been removing cement blocks from their cell wall and covering the hole with magazine photos of women in bikinis.  On Saturday, the opening was finally big enough for them to squeeze through.  They got through the wall, jumped down to a rooftop below . . . then made it over a 25-foot-high fence.  The area they were in was supposed to be the most secure part of the jail.  Both of them are still ON THE LAM.

TEEN FALLS SIX STORIES…AND WALKS AWAY!   
A teenager from Gainesville, Georgia fell six stories from a hotel balcony in South Carolina, but walked away with just bruises and scrapes. 17 year old Matthew Savage was reaching up to a balcony one floor above him to grab a bathing suit that had fallen another floor when he tumbled over the railing.  The boy hit other balconies on his way down and slammed onto a slanted rooftop before sliding into the bushes. He says he just closed his eyes during the fall, then got up and started walking back to his room. Paramedics convinced him to get checked out at a nearby hospital, where tests showed he was fine.

Woman turns self in for bank robbery, asks for reward???  (STUPID CRIMINALS!!)
Officers received a bizarre request Monday morning at the Onslow County Sheriff’s Office.  Lolita Bullock turned herself in for robbing the Bank of America in Jacksonville recently.  But she also wanted to cash in on a reward being offered in the case.  Lolita brought a friend with her to the Sheriff’s office to claim the reward money.  It will be up to Crime Stoppers to decide if her friend deserves the reward.

IN CHICAGO, A WOMAN ON HER CELL PHONE IS RESCUED …BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE HER CAR WAS ON FIRE:
On Saturday morning, 23-year-old Khushboo Jani was driving her 1996 Honda on the Eisenhower Expressway in Chicago …and, like most drivers, she was talking on her cell phone.  Out of nowhere, her car broke down and she pulled over …still on her phone.  And she was SO wrapped up in her conversation that she didn’t realize FLAMES had started shooting out underneath her broken down car.   Fortunately for her, 44-year-old Demetrius Duplessis, did.  Demetrius is a snowplow driver for the city of Chicago, and, as he drove by Jani’s car, he saw the flames.  So he pulled over and ran over to try to save Jani’s life.  As she saw him running up, she did, sadly, what a lot of people would do in the situation …she tried to LOCK HER DOOR.  She couldn’t lock it in time, though …which gave Demetrius the CHANCE to pull the door open and drag her out of the car.  Jani’s car was completely destroyed …but both she and Demetrius were OK.

THE VAINEST CITY IN THE U.S. IS …SALT LAKE CITY???
Well, we did NOT see this coming.  “Forbes” just put out their stats on the VAINEST cities in the U.S. and the winner isn’t Miami or L.A. or New York …or any place even CLOSE to those.  No, they found that the vainest city in the U.S. is …Salt Lake City, Utah.  The people at “Forbes” themselves called that result, quote, “shocking.” The ranks are based on the number of plastic surgeons, per capita, in a city …and on the amount that people in each city spend on makeup, skin care products, hair coloring products and hair growth products.  Salt Lake City has a high ratio of plastic surgeons per capita, at six plastic surgeons per 100,000 people.  The people there spent more than $2.2 MILLION on hair coloring, $116,000 on hair growth products, $2.5 MILLION on makeup and $4.4 MILLION on skin care …which is more than any other city that’s got a population around the same size.
San Francisco came in as the second vainest city in the country.  San Diego, San Jose and Miami tied for third…Louisville, Nashville and Virginia Beach tied for sixth …and New York City and Los Angeles tied for ninth.

SMOKE, DRINK AND BE ELDERLY!
Think you need to live a clean life to reach a ripe old age? Think again. Zhang Shuqing, in Sichuan, China, turned 100 a few weeks ago, and he credits his longevity to smoking every day and drinking liquor after every meal. He’s been doing that daily since he was in his early 20s. According to his grandson’s calculations, Zhang has put away 15 tons of booze and inhaled more than a ton of tobacco in his lifetime. If you want to call your favorite Chinese restaurant and order a Zhang Shuqing special, here’s his favorite meal: two chicken legs, a bowl of steamed pork fat rice, vegetables and fruit. And you have to eat it in less than 20 minutes, just like Zhang does.

JESSICA SIMPSON WENT TO YESTERDAY’S COWBOYS GAME …AND TONY ROMO HAD THE WORST GAME OF HIS CAREER:
JESSICA SIMPSON went to the DALLAS COWBOYS game yesterday to cheer on quarterback TONY ROMO…with whom she’s regularly dating.  Maybe Romo should tell his ladies to stay home.  He had the worst game of his career…landing only 13 of 36 passes, throwing three interceptions, and no touchdowns in a loss to Philadelphia.  Romo’s worst game prior to yesterday was against Philadelphia in December of last year …and CARRIE UNDERWOOD was at THAT game cheering him on.  Jessica was wearing a pink jersey with Romo’s number on it!!

BEFORE CHUCK NORRIS WOULD ENDORSE MIKE HUCKABEE FOR PRESIDENT, HE HAD TO SEE HOW HUCKABEE COULD WITHSTAND A ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE FACE!!!
Here’s a CHUCK NORRIS fact you may not have heard:  Before Chuck Norris will endorse a political candidate, he first needs to determine how well that candidate can withstand a ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE FACE.  OK…maybe not a full-on kick to the face …but Chuck Norris must at least pummel the candidate with fists of fury before giving his endorsement.  I’m not kidding.  Before Chuck would endorse MIKE HUCKABEE…he put Huckabee in the ring in his private gym.  And here’s how Huckabee did …Chuck said, quote, “He was a stand-up guy.  I mean, literally.  I knocked him around, but I didn’t knock him out.”

DAN FOGELBERG HAS PASSED AWAY:
DAN FOGELBERG has lost his battle with cancer.  He passed away at his home in Maine, yesterday.  He was 56.  Dan was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer back in 2004.  His best-known single is arguably the ballad, “Longer”, which he originally released on the album, “Phoenix”, in 1980.  “Phoenix” reached #3 on the album charts.  (–Overall, Fogelberg had nine Top 30 albums …including three that cracked the Top 10.) Dan Fogelberg dropped his last album, “Full Circle”, in 2003.

HUGE CELL PHONE BILL
Many customers have disputed their mobile phone bills.  A Calgary, Ontario man might have set the record, though.  The “Globe and Mail” reports Piotr Staniaszek was stunned by an 85-thousand-dollar bill.  It turns out the 22-year-old used his cell phone as a computer modem and racked up the bill while downloading high-definition movies.  He said he thought his unlimited mobile browser plan would cover the charges.  The man plans to dispute the bill, unhappy with the phone provider’s offer to reduce the charges to around 32-hundred-dollars.

BUS DRIVER WON’T LET PASSENGERS OFF OF THE BUS
On Sunday, a bus on the Peter Pan Bus Lines left New York at 1:00 P.M., heading to Boston.  The bus driver, who’s in his early 30s and whose name hasn’t been released, started swerving all over the road.  So an anonymous passenger on the bus called the Peter Pan headquarters from his cell phone and complained.  Unfortunately, the higher-ups at Peter Pan decided to call the driver on HIS cell phone . . . and that someone on his bus had just complained about him.  And the bus driver did NOT take that constructive criticism well.  So when the bus pulled into Framingham, Massachusetts, for a quick stop,  the bus driver told the passengers “Since you aggravated me, I’m going to aggravate you.”  The driver ended up turning the brief stop into a 30-MINUTE stop where he wouldn’t let anyone off.  Afterwards, he SPED down the turnpike, skipping toll booths, to try to get the bus to Boston on time.  An executive from Peter Pan says the driver was suspended and the company is looking into the incident.

HERE’S ONE WAY TO CATCH A THIEF
This is pretty great.  At the “Lewiston Tribune” in Lewiston, Idaho, on Wednesday, the editors were laying out their front page.  And they chose two front page photos:  One photo of a local business owner hanging Christmas decorations, and one picture from a surveillance camera of an unknown man who was suspected of stealing a woman’s wallet from a convenience store.  When they put together the page, they realized:  The guy hanging the Christmas decorations was wearing the exact same coat as the wallet thief.  And when they looked more carefully…they realized that’s because it was the SAME GUY.  They called the police, and told them they were pretty sure they’d solved the crime.  The police arrested Michael Millhouse, who owns Millhouse Signs in Lewiston.  He’s been charged with felony second degree theft.  Michael told the police he took the wallet because he thought it was his wife’s, and he’d planned on turning it in, but forgot about it.  If he’s convicted, he could get up to FIVE YEARS in prison and a $10,000 fine.   Here is the picture:

GOING, GOING, GONE!

One day a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry”, said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

We stumbled upon the Sears Catalog from 1982….and some of the “state of the art” items seem a little funny now.

Click on the pictures to see the full-size version.

How about a “State of the art VCR?” (click on picture to see full size version)

Forget getting an iPod! This is better! (click on picture to see full size version)

Need a new stereo system? This one’s a steal! (click on picture to see full size version)

TENNESSEE VOLS JOKE

Why do Tennessee Vols fans wear orange???

So they can go to the game on Friday; Go hunting on Sunday; and pick up trash off the roads during the week!!!!!

A MAN ALMOST DIES BY CHUGGING A LITER OF VODKA … BECAUSE HE COULDN’T TAKE IT THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY:
A 64-year-old man from Dresden, Germany, whose name hasn’t been released, was on his way home from a vacation to Egypt … and he was switching planes in Nuremberg, Germany.  In Nuremberg, he bought a one-liter bottle of vodka.  As he was going through security to get on his flight to Dresden, he was told he needed to hand over his brand new bottle of vodka, since it was more than three ounces.  But he wasn’t having that.  So he opened the vodka … and chugged the ENTIRE THING right there in the security line.  One liter of alcohol is about 27 shots.  Based on the averages, that probably took his blood alcohol level up close to 0.9 … or more than ten times the legal limit … and about DOUBLE the level that’s considered LIFE-THREATENING.  He COLLAPSED immediately and couldn’t function.  A doctor came out of the security line to check him … said it looked like the guy had life-threatening alcohol poisoning … and called an ambulance.  The man was rushed to a hospital for treatment.  He managed to survive … but he’s still recovering at the hospital in Nuremberg.

THIS YEAR’S “WORST WARNING LABELS” HAVE BEEN REVEALED:
Every year, the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch group holds a contest where people send in the WORST or STUPIDEST warning labels they can find.  Here are this year’s winners.
–THIRD PLACE:  A baby stroller that has a small storage pouch in the back … and the warning on the storage bag says, quote, “Do not put child in bag.”
–SECOND PLACE:  An iron-on “Shrek” T-shirt transfer from Honey Nut Cheerios.  The warning says, quote, “Do not iron while wearing shirt.”
–GRAND PRIZE:  A label on a small tractor that says, quote, “Danger!  Avoid death.”  (–Which is pretty good advice, actually.  But not much of a practical warning.)
–HONORABLE MENTION:  A small letter opener from Staples with the warning, quote, “Safety goggles recommended.”
–HONORABLE MENTION:  A vanishing fabric marker that warns you, quote, “The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents, as signatures will fade or disappear completely.”

IMAGINE BITING INTO THE “CATCH OF THE DAY” AT YOUR FAVORITE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT AND GETTING A HOOK IN YOUR MOUTH?
A Chinese man got a fish hook stuck in his tongue while eating fish at a restaurant.  Mr Pei, of Shanghai city, thought his tongue had been pierced by a bone at first.  “I tried to take the bone out, but I felt metal with my tongue, and had blood all over my hand,” he said.  He was taken to a nearby hospital where doctors removed a 1cm hook from his tongue.  A hospital spokesman said: “He should recover soon, but his eating will be restricted for the next few days.”  The restaurant has agreed to pay an undisclosed amount of compensation to Mr Pei.

BRITNEY SPEARS SKIPPED A DEPOSITION IN HER CHILD CUSTODY CASE YESTERDAY:
BRITNEY SPEARS skipped a deposition in her child custody case … due to ANXIETY.  Britney was supposed to sit down for questioning with KEVIN FEDERLINE’S attorneys.  They were expected to grill her about her past and present behaviors …  … including drug and alcohol use, her refusal to comply with the orders of the court commissioner overseeing the custody battle and other issues pertaining to her fitness as a mother.  Britney’s representative said, “We got up and got ready to go.  Her attorneys came to pick her up, but when she saw the media frenzy outside her house, her anxiety skyrocketed.”

IKE TURNER HAS DIED:
IKE TURNER … the man who helped make TINA TURNER a star, while at the same time violently abusing her … died yesterday.  He was 76.  Ike died at his home outside San Diego, possibly in his sleep.  There’s no word yet on the cause of death.  Here’s all Tina Turner’s rep would say … quote, “Tina is aware that Ike passed away earlier today.  She has not had any contact with him in 35 years.  No further comment will be made.”  Many rock historians actually credit Ike with making the FIRST ROCK AND ROLL SONG.  It was “Rocket 88″, released in 1951 … and it was one of the first, if not THE first, to use distorted electric guitars.  Ike will be best remembered for his drug addiction and his physical abuse of Tina … which was portrayed pretty graphically in the movie “What’s Love Got to Do With It”.  LAURENCE FISHBURNE played Ike.  Ike always denied Tina’s claims of abuse.

THE NEW “KNIGHT RIDER” TV MOVIE WILL PREMIERE IN FEBRUARY:
Yesterday, NBC dropped more details on the new, two-hour “Knight Rider” TV movie.  It’ll premiere on February 17th, and WILL ARNETT… will be providing the voice for the new “KITT”, which will indeed be a Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR.  It’ll take three “cars” to fulfill the role of KITT:  KITT Hero, which will roll with the actors…KITT Attack, which will be handled by stunt drivers … and KITT Remote, which is the remote-controlled, driverless “double” for the car.

TROUBLE IN SAUDI ARABIA

A Tennessee Vols fan, a Alabama fan and a Florida Gators fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army.  While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in & arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!

With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.  By a stroke of luck, a compassionate Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said “It’s my 1st wife’s birthday today & she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping”.

The Alabama fan was 1st in line so he thought about this for a while & then said “Please tie a pillow to my back”. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Alabama fan was carried away bleeding & crying.

The Florida Gators fan was next & after watching the scene said “OK, tie 2 pillows to my back”. But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes, sending The Florida Gators fan crying like a baby.

The Tennessee Vols fan was last up but before he could say anything the Sheik turned to him & said, “you support the greatest college football team in the world, your supporters are the best & most loyal fans in all the world. For this, you may have 2 wishes”.

“Thank you, your Royal Highness” the Vol’s fan replied.  “In recognition of your kindness, my 1st wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes”.

“Not only are you an honorable man, you are very brave” said the Sheik. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be”? the Sheik asks.

To which the Tennessee Vol’s fan replied….”Tie the Florida Gator fan to my back”.