Mike and Mandy In The Morning!

DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME – BLONDE JOKE

Twice a year, we change the clocks for daylight-saving time.

And twice a year, my normally punctual (blonde) assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so.

I finally had to find out why. “Do you have a problem remembering to spring forward or fall back?” I asked.

“Oh, no,” she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “What gets to me is staying up until 2 a.m. to change my clock.”

Remember how hard it was when you were 19, to scrape enough change out of the couch cushions for a McDonald’s Extra Value Meal?  Well, 19-year-old VANESSA HUDGENS doesn’t have time for your little problems.  The star of “High School Musical” is far too busy decorating her new, $2.75 MILLION house.  Vanessa’s new place is located in Studio City, California.  It’s 52-hundred square feet, with SIX bedrooms and SIX-AND-A-HALF bathrooms.  You can check out some pictures of her new estate….

Are you sick of always feeling stressed out at work?  If so, maybe you should think about switching to a less-stressful line of work.  Here are a few low-stress jobs that you might want to consider:

#1.)  Mathematician.  The downside is that you have to be good at math.  But if you are, you can go back to school, pick up your Ph.D., and earn an average salary of nearly $87,000 a year…just to mess around with mathematical theories.

#2.)  Archivist.  The job is similar to what a librarian does, but instead of dealing with books, you’re dealing with records.  The work is consistent and predictable…and the average salary is nearly $41,000.

#3.)  Foresters and Conservation Scientists.  Look at it this way…you’ll probably have to put out a few small fires and deal with an occasional mean camper.  But you get to work outdoors…and you’ll earn around $55,000 a year.

#4.)  Travel Agents.  OK, so travel agents only make around $30,000 a year…but the hours are flexible and, since you’re helping people plan their vacation, they’ll probably be nice to you most of the time.

(–While we’re on the topic of careers, we found a list of unusual jobs listed from “A”…Autopsy assistant…to “Z”…Zamboni driver.  You can check that out here!)

For the past 4 years, we’ve been involved in a great animal-rescue operation called Guardian Angel Pet Rescue.  They are an AMAZING organization that saves thousands of animals. (If you want a dog or cat, let me know!!)  Anyway, they had their annual 5k Run and Dog Walk this weekend and Brad and I were there with bells on!! But, the star of the event wasn’t us…it was Miss Allie….and her bright blue sparkly eyes.

Notice her toothy grin?  We love that baby!!  We find ourselves snuggling and kissing on her all the time.  We laugh when she babbles.  We get great joy in all her new “firsts.”

Speaking of “firsts”….Allie can now HOLD HER OWN BOTTLE!!!!  Of course, it takes a lot of coaxing, since she likes being lazy (having us hold the bottle)…

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A FIREFIGHTER IN FLORIDA STOLE A MAN’S FOOT AFTER IT WAS SEVERED IN A CAR CRASH:
Two Fridays ago, 46-year-old Karl Lambert of Melbourne, Florida, was driving down the highway when he lost control of his car, hit another vehicle and crashed into a tree.  Emergency officials rushed Karl to the hospital, and it looks like he’s going to be OK…sort of.  See, in the accident, one of Karl’s feet was completely severed.  But instead of bringing Karl’s foot to the hospital where it could be reattached…a firefighter TOOK IT home with her.  Just so we’re clear…yes, a firefighter actually stole a crash victim’s severed foot.  Apparently, the firefighter is in charge of training cadaver dogs…which are dogs that rescue workers use to locate and follow the scent of decomposing flesh (–or dead bodies). The thinking is that the woman wanted to use Karl’s foot to help train her dogs.  Now, Karl has hired a lawyer…and he’s planning on suing the county.  And the Florida Highway Patrol is investigating the firefighter…but they haven’t decided if they’re going to file criminal charges against her yet.

PEOPLE SPEND 8% MORE WHEN THERE’S NO DOLLAR SIGN IN FRONT OF THE PRICE ON A MENU:
If you’re ever at a restaurant where the menu prices are given just as a number with NO dollar sign…watch out.  Why?  Because according to a new study, when there’s no overt reference to money on a menu (–meaning there’s no dollar sign in front of the number…or, if the price is written out, the word “dollar” is excluded)…customers spend 8.15% MORE per person.  According to the researchers, references to dollars on a menu might, quote, “act as an unintentional prime…initiating the pain of paying, which subsequently causes guests to spend less.”  (–Crazy, right?)

QUEEN ELIZABETH EARNS $17.5 MILLION A YEAR…AND SHE’S ASKING FOR A RAISE:
Unless you’re a British citizen, this doesn’t really affect you…but it’s still pretty FREAKY!!!  Right now, England’s QUEEN ELIZABETH earns a yearly salary of $17.5 MILLION.  But because of the rising prices of food, gas and all the other stuff that you and I have to deal with, the Queen says she can’t make ends meet.  So she’s asked the British government…for a RAISE.  (–How out of touch do you have to be to ask for a raise when the rest of the world is choking on this economy???  When most of the world’s hard-working population will never make in their lifetime what you make in a month?)

SKYDIVING

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.

Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits–yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back… “No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

PAUL NEWMAN (1925 – 2008):
PAUL NEWMAN died Friday after a long battle with cancer.  He was 83.  Newman’s publicist said he died surrounded by his family and close friends at his farmhouse near Westport, Connecticut.  Among those family members was actress JOANNE WOODWARD…Newman’s wife for the past 50 YEARS.  (–They celebrated their 50th anniversary in January.) Joanne was actually his SECOND wife.  He was married to a woman named Jackie Witte from 1949 to 1958.  It’s hard to believe anybody would need to be reminded of his career highlights, but here’s a quick rundown…Paul Newman made his big-screen debut in a pretty bad movie called “The Silver Chalice” in 1954.  By the end of the decade, though, he turned things around…earning an Oscar nomination for 1958′s “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”.  He’d get his last of 10 Oscar nominations for “Road to Perdition”.  He only won ONCE, for the 1986 movie “The Color of Money”, which co-starred TOM CRUISE.   Some of his better-known movies include…”Cool Hand Luke”,  1967. “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”,  1969…and “The Sting”,  1973.  Paul Newman, dead at 83….. . .

HEATHER LOCKLEAR GOT A DUI ON SATURDAY:
HEATHER LOCKLEAR got arrested on suspicion of DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE Saturday night in Santa Barbara.  Alcohol was NOT a factor, though.  Police believe Heather was under the influence of PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION. Somebody called the cops after seeing Heather in a parking lot, driving backwards and forwards over a pair of sunglasses and revving her engine.  When police got there, Heather’s car was actually parked on a nearby highway, blocking traffic.  After talking with Heather, police decided she was under the influence of SOMETHING.  They tested her, booked her and released her on her own recognizance.  (–Here’s Heather’s mugshot . . .)

TOM WOPAT FROM “THE DUKES OF HAZZARD” WAS BUSTED FOR POT POSSESSION:
TOM WOPAT…a.k.a. Luke Duke from the old-school “Dukes of Hazzard” TV show…was busted for POT POSSESSION at General Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee last week.  According to TMZ, he got busted at a security checkpoint with 1.2 grams of THE HAPPY SMOKE.  Police gave him a $500 ticket…which he paid on the spot.

A JAPANESE COMPANY HAS DEVELOPED AN INFLATABLE AIRBAG FOR THE ELDERLY:
Earlier this week, a Japanese company called Prop unveiled its latest invention:  A wearable, inflatable airbag for the elderly.  So how does this baby work?  Basically, the inflatable airbag weighs two and a half pounds…and it straps around the wearer’s torso like a vest.  If the person trips, the airbag automatically inflates in 0.1 seconds…cushioning the fall, and protecting the person’s head, hips and backside.  The only problem?  The airbag only inflates if the person falls backward.  (–So if grandma’s wearing one of these and she falls on her face, she’s pretty much out of luck.) The airbag for the elderly will hit the market soon…and it’ll cost about $1,300.  (–Check out some pictures of Prop’s airbag for the elderly here . . .)

A DENTIST IN GERMANY FORCIBLY REMOVED A WOMAN’S BRIDGES BECAUSE HER INSURANCE COMPANY WOULDN’T PAY HIM:
Are you the kind of person who absolutely HATES going to the dentist?  If so, THIS just might be your worst nightmare…On Monday, a 35-year-old woman from Neu Ulm, Germany, heard a knock at her front door.  When she answered, she noticed her dentist standing there with his bag of dental tools.  Anyway, according to the woman, the dentist forced his way into her house and tied her hands together.   Then…without saying a word…he took out his dental instruments, pried open the woman’s mouth…and forcibly removed her two bridges.  Apparently, the woman recently had $600 worth of bridges put in…and her insurance company was refusing to pay the dentist.  So, to make a point, he showed up at the woman’s house…and took the dental work back.  Now, the police are investigating the dentist for theft and assault…but they haven’t charged him with anything yet.

A GUY IN COLORADO WAS HIT BY A TRAIN…SEVEN HOURS AFTER BEING HIT BY A CAR:
So, maybe you’re wouldn’t start this morning…or the drive thru at McDonald’s got your breakfast order wrong, but if you think you’re having a bad day, this guy in Colorado would like you to make a comparison.  On Tuesday night at about 10:00 P.M., 46-year-old Robert Evans of Boulder, Colorado, was riding his bike when he was struck by a hit-and-run driver.  Robert was taken to the emergency room, treated, and released around 3:00 A.M. Wednesday morning.  Then, less than two hours later at 4:45 A.M., Robert was found lying underneath a railroad bridge with injuries to his head and leg.  Apparently, after he’d been released from the hospital, Robert was crossing the bridge on his way home…when he was struck by a train.  Robert was again taken to the emergency room…and doctors think he’s going to be OK. (–Are you ready for the cherry on top?  Now, police are thinking of citing Robert for trespassing…because he wasn’t supposed to be on the train tracks.  Nice.)

Have you noticed that over the past few weeks, a select group of Americans have lost their ever-loving minds over SARAH PALIN?  Well, one of those people is a farmer named Duke Wheeler from Whitehouse, Ohio…It seems Duke was so excited when Palin joined the McCain ticket that he hired an artist to mow a portrait of Palin . . . into his 16-acre cornfield.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

UT Coach Fulmer is going to resign Wednesday morning.

He will be taking a job with FEMA.

FEMA was very impressed with Fulmer’s ability to evacuate 100,000 people in a matter of minutes.

DO BLONDES REALLY HAVE MORE FUN?
It seems like every few months, a new study comes out which attempts to answer the question:  “Do blondes really have more fun?”  Anyway, on Tuesday, researchers from Nottingham Trent University in the United Kingdom added their two cents and announced that blondes actually DO have more fun…especially when they’re BLEACHED blondes.  Why?  Basically, what the researchers found is that women who dye their hair are happier, more confident and get more action in the romance department…than women who keep their natural color.  Now, stick with me here . . .Since earlier studies have found that blondes get the most attention from men, and this study found that women who dye their hair are happier than women who don’t…it stands to reason that women who dye their hair blonde actually have the MOST fun.

IS IT BATTERY TO PASS GAS ON A COP???
Late Monday night, 34-year-old Jose Cruz of Clarksburg, West Virginia, was driving down the road…when a police officer pulled him over for not having his headlights on.  After talking to Jose, the officer suspected that he’d been drinking…so the cop brought him down to the police station to take a breathalyzer.  No big deal, right?  But here’s where things get a little weird . . .According to the report, the officer was preparing the breathalyzer machine when Jose scooted his chair over, lifted his leg…and PASSED GAS on the cop.  Then he wafted it in the officer’s direction.  Now, not only has Jose been charged with DUI and obstruction, but the cop added the charge of BATTERY on an officer…which could get Jose up to ONE year in prison. (Check out Jose’s mugshot here . . .)

A MAN BROUGHT HIS GUN INTO BED WITH HIM AND ACCIDENTALLY SHOT HIS GIRLFRIEND:
File this one under “Stupid People.”  On Tuesday, 58-year-old Larry Smith of Queens, New York, was in bed with his girlfriend…41-year-old Felicia Crawford…when he heard a strange noise outside his apartment.  It seems Larry was a little spooked, so he got up, grabbed his gun…and headed back to bed.  Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be EXTREMELY surprised to learn that a little while later, Larry’s gun accidentally went off…and the bullet hit Felicia in the chest.  Felicia was rushed to the hospital, and she’s in stable condition.  Larry was arrested and charged with assault, reckless endangerment and criminal possession of a weapon.  If he’s convicted, he could get up to 18 years in prison.

The True Golfer

A man and  his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.”

“We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself,  My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to  have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.  So the dentist ask him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.”

IS IT TRUE THAT THE CAST MEMBERS ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS” HATE WARREN SAPP???
Brace yourself…we have some DEVASTATING gossip today from the set of “Dancing with the Stars”.  Apparently, the interaction between this season’s cast members is NOT completely harmonious. Word has it that former NFL time bomb WARREN SAPP is a DIVA backstage.  Sources say he “yells” at people, and generally “looks down” on everybody…especially the professional male dancers and the show’s production assistants.

THE “NATIONAL ENQUIRER” HAS OFFICIALLY CALLED OUT SARAH PALIN FOR ALLEGEDLY HAVING AN AFFAIR:
Earlier this month, the “National Enquirer” accused SARAH PALIN of having an affair with one Brad Hanson…who was a former business partner of Sarah’s husband, Todd Palin.  And in this week’s issue, they’ve got all the details. (More and more often, the “National Enquirer” IS a reliable news source.  They blew the lid off the JOHN EDWARDS affair…All I’m saying is you can’t dismiss the “Enquirer” out of hand the way you used to be able to.  So on we go . . .) This supposed affair goes all the way back to 1996, when Todd and this Hanson character owned a snowmobile dealership together.  Todd and Sarah Palin were married…and Hanson had a wife, too.  When Todd Palin heard about the affair, he ended his partnership with Hanson.  The “Enquirer” is getting most of its information from a man named Jim Burdett…a so-called “Hanson family insider” who has, of course, passed one of the “Enquirer’s” standard, rigorous polygraph tests.  (But dismiss this story at your own peril.  There may be no truth to it, but then again, it could very well become another John Edwards situation.  And remember, he adamantly and vehemently denied EVERYTHING at first, too.)

MADONNA’S TOUR IS NEARLY DERAILED WHEN OFFICIALS IN MONTENEGRO CONFISCATE ALL OF HER TOWELS:
Tonight, MADONNA is performing in a town called Budva…in the southeastern European country of Montenegro...(–which was formerly part of Yugoslavia).  However, when Madonna entered the country earlier this week, her entire tour was almost DERAILED when Montenegro’s border guards SEIZED all of her towels.  If you didn’t know…and trust me, you DIDN’T…Madonna apparently travels with at least 300 “expensive designer towels”, which she and her dancers use to wipe themselves off when they come offstage.  Even though this seems perfectly natural to us…something must have been lost in translation…because the Montenegrin border officials became suspicious about the quantity and quality of these towels.  So they took them. (So we don’t know if Madonna got the towels back…if she’ll be forced to use lesser, local towels…if she’ll have to perform towel-less …or if she had to cancel the show.  We just don’t know.)

STUPID CRIMINALS!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…stupid people will ALWAYS find stupid ways to get themselves killed.  For example, on Saturday, a bunch of thieves were killed while trying to steal diesel gas from a train in Guwahati, India.  See, the thing is…the train WAS transporting diesel fuel.  But it was also transporting poisonous gas…and one of the robbers accidentally broke open the tank where the poison was being stored.  According to police, 15 robbers died in the accident, and another 30 were found lying unconscious along the train tracks…next to empty drums which they had brought to fill with oil.

THE NUMBER OF PARENTS WHO’VE MOVED IN WITH THEIR KIDS IS UP BY 67%:
It’s not that uncommon for young adults to move back in with their parents after they graduate from college.  But according to the U.S. Census Bureau, the latest trend…is for parents to move in with their kids.  Since 2000, the number of parents who’ve moved in with their kids has increased…by 67%.
Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Well, yeah, a lot of parents move in with their kids when they get too old to take care of themselves.  It’s not that big of a deal.”  But that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening because, overall, the number of parents who are UNDER the age of 65 who’ve moved in with their kids…is up by 75%.   (–The experts speculate that part of it probably has to do with the slumping economy.  But another factor is that parents and kids are closer now than they used to be…partially because of the high divorce figures.)

A man’s wife throws out his stash of cash with the garbage, to the tune of $42,000.00!
Police (in Japan) have returned more than $42,000 to a man whose wife accidentally threw it out with the trash. He lost the money when his wife threw out the envelope in which he had hidden the cash. The man had been hiding the envelope, which he had wrapped in a trash bag, in a garbage can.  His wife, unaware that the money was in the garbage can, threw it out along with the rest of the trash. Late last month, the man saw a news reports that a sanitation worker had found the cash at a garbage facility and filed a report with police. Police confirmed he was the owner from banking and other details on the envelope.  So the cash was rightfully returned to him.

THE AGED EXPLORER

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.

The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun-bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR….and ohhhh noooo…I soiled myself.”

The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.”

The old explorer said, “No, not then – just now when I went ROARRRR!”

You’ve probably heard about magician DAVID BLAINE’s, latest trick.  He is currently hanging upside-down over Central Park in New York City.  His plan is to hang there for 60 hours before doing something called the DIVE OF DEATH during an ABC special tonight.  But here’s the problem:  He’s really NOT hanging upside-down the entire time.  Once every hour, a platform is raised up to him, and he gets to stand on it, right-side-up, for about 10 minutes, while doctors check him out.  Here are some pictures of David, doing what a lot of people say is CHEATING.  Blaine’s reps issued the following statement to defuse any criticism . . . quote, “There has been no claim that David was going to hang upside down for 60 hours without a break.”

Apparently, Clay Aiken will officially come out of the closet in the new issue of “People” magazine, with a cover picture that proclaims, quote, “Yes, I’m Gay.”  He says one of the reasons he came out was his newborn son, saying, quote, “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things.”   Clay also sat down with DIANE SAWYER for an interview that’ll air on “Good Morning America”, beginning tomorrow.  Interestingly enough, Clay called Diane, quote, “REALLY RUDE” and said it was NONE OF HER BUSINESS when she asked him about his sexuality during an interview in 2006…apparently he’s changed his tune.

Britney Spears has put her Studio City, California home on the market with an asking price of $7.9-million dollars.  According to “People” magazine, a source says Spears is selling in hopes of finding a new home with more privacy and open spaces to raise her two sons.  The property is described as an exquisite gated Italian Renaissance-inspired villa with three garages and a grand entrance foyer.  Spears has lived in the 6-bedroom, 6-bathroom, 75-hundred square foot home for less than 2 years.  Part of that time, Britney was hospitalized for a mental evaluation following a highly-publicized meltdown. Here’s a picture of the “quaint home”.

A WOMAN SET A TOW TRUCK ON FIRE BECAUSE THE DRIVER WAS TRYING TO TOW HER CAR:

Last Tuesday, 20-year-old Elizabeth Allen of Portland, Oregon, parked her Buick LeSabre in the lot at a local apartment building…without a permit.  But when a driver from a towing company called Retriever Towing showed up to haul Elizabeth’s car away…Elizabeth and a bunch of her friends surrounded the driver and started threatening him.   The driver offered to release Elizabeth’s car for $150 (–which is apparently the company’s policy when something like this happens)…but that just made Elizabeth even angrier.  It seems the driver started to fear for his safety…so he locked himself in his truck and called 911.  That’s when Elizabeth allegedly doused the guy’s truck with a gallon of gas…and set it on FIRE.  Seriously.  The driver hopped out of his truck, and was able to put out the blaze with a fire extinguisher…and when the cops showed up, they arrested Elizabeth and charged her with first-degree arson, reckless burning and second-degree criminal mischief.  Her court date is Thursday, and if she’s convicted, she could get up to 20 years in prison.

HAS GETTING A DIVORCE BECOME A LUXURY EXPENSE???

What’s the latest sign that the economy is in shambles?  Married couples who want to break up are staying together…because it costs too much money to get divorced.  I know what you’re thinking…that doesn’t make any sense.  But here’s the logic…
#1.)  A lot of married couples have a ton of mutual debt.  If they break up, the debt is split, and that’s great…but each person loses their safety net, too.
#2.)  A lot of couples would have to sell their house to break up, and in this crap real estate market…that’s just not an option.
#3.)  Legal fees to get divorced can cost thousands of dollars…and after paying alimony and child care expenses, it makes more sense financially for some people to stay in an unhappy marriage.
#4.)  Divorce will cause some people to lose their health insurance benefits, and if they can’t afford them on their own…they might be reluctant to ditch their spouse.
#6.)  The only reason you actually NEED a divorce is if you want to get remarried.  If you’re not looking to get remarried…then it might make more sense to just stick it out, or get separated instead.

MORE CREEPY STORIES ABOUT SNAKES INVADING YOUR HOME ON THE FREAK FILES!!!

An Oklahoma woman got a shocking surprise when she grabbed a scarf in her motor home only to find out it was actually a snake.  Grace Wallace of McAlester went into the vehicle last Tuesday after being gone for several days and found her phone had been knocked off it’s cradle.  She then noticed what she thought was a very nice scarf but had no idea where it came from.  She touched it and it moved.  It turned out to be a four-foot long, red-tailed boa constrictor that somehow got into her trailer.  They contacted animal control officers and the reptile was safely removed.  They believe it was someone’s pet and say they’d be happy to return it if the owner contacts them.