Mike and Mandy In The Morning!

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness… you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation….you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death… you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead, and a place to sleep… you are richer than 75%of this world.
If you have money in the bank, money in your wallet, and spare change in a dish somewhere… you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy
If you parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare, even in the United States
If you can read this message… you are more blessed than over 2 billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
If you hold your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful… you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

STUPID CRIMINALS
Last May, a 22-year-old moron named Nicky Reilly from Plymouth, U.K., walked into the bathroom at a restaurant called Exeter’s Giraffe…and strapped three NAIL BOMBS to his body.  Nicky left a note which explained that he was committing a suicide bombing because, quote, “Muslims are suffering at the hands of Britain, Israel and America [and] we are sick of taking all the brutality from you.”  But Nicky was NOT able to complete his murder-suicide mission. See, Nicky…this genius…got stuck inside the toilet stall after he’d prepared the bombs, and when they went off IN HIS HANDS…he was the only one injured.  (–No, he didn’t die.)  Last month, Nicky pleaded guilty to attempted murder and preparing an act of terrorism.  He’ll be sentenced on January 30th.  A GUY TRIED TO BOMB A RESTAURANT…BUT GOT STUCK IN A TOILET STALL AND WAS THE ONLY ONE INJURED BY THE BLAST:

A TODDLER GOT A CAR KEY LODGED IN HIS BRAIN IN A FREAK ACCIDENT:
Kids…have you ever wondered why your parents seem to worry about the tiniest, most ridiculous things?  Well THIS is exactly why…On September 2nd, 20-month-old Nicholas Holderman of Perryville, Kentucky, was playing with his two older brothers when he fell down…and landed on his parents’ car keys.  At first, Nicholas’ brothers didn’t think too much of it…until they noticed that one of the car keys was stuck in his EYE SOCKET.  So Nicholas’ mom called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital, where X-rays showed that the key had punctured Nicholas’ eyelid…and was lodged IN HIS BRAIN.  Anyway, Nicholas’ doctors were worried that he might suffer vision loss…or worse.  But after carefully removing the key and spending SIX DAYS in the hospital…Nicholas has made a full recovery from the freak accident (–meaning he hasn’t suffered any brain damage or vision loss.) Check out some insane X-rays of Nicholas’ injury here…

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE GUY WHO HOLDS THE HIGH-SCORE IN THE VIDEO GAME “ASTEROIDS” DIED BY FALLING OFF HIS ROOF???
In 1982, a 15-year-old kid named Scott Safran from Cherry Hill, New Jersey, played the video game “Asteroids” for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT…and set a new high-score of 41,336,440 points.  26 years later…Scott’s record still stands.  That makes it the longest-standing video game record EVER.  Anyway, in 1998, Atari was planning to release a new edition of “Asteroids”…and they wanted Scott to help them promote it.  But when they tracked Scott down, they learned he’d DIED in 1989…after he fell off the roof of his apartment building in Los Angeles. (–So what’s the point?  Well, there isn’t one.  I just thought this was an interesting story.  Come on!  It’s the day before Thanksgiving.  Cut me some slack.  You can play “Asteroids” online here…)

Pregnant Turkey Story

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went  to my sister’s house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my  sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.  She told my sister that she  needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the  turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and  inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed  the bird(s) back in the oven.  When it was time for dinner, my sister  pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and  pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face,  my mother exclaimed,  “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”  At  the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took  the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep………………SHE’S BLONDE

DID ALEX RODRIGUEZ “ABANDON” HIS KIDS TO SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH MADONNA???
It would appear that MADONNA and ALEX RODRIGUEZ will be spending Thanksgiving together…but we’re not exactly sure where.  E! Online says that A-Rod was in Atlanta on Monday to catch Madonna performing on her Sticky & Sweet Tour.  After the show, they hopped a private jet bound for Miami, where they arrived just before 2:00 A.M.  Meanwhile, the “Access Hollywood” says that A-Rod is DITCHING his own kids to spend Thanksgiving Day with Madonna and her three kids in New York.  A-Rod’s soon-to-be ex-wife CYNTHIA allegedly sent an e-mail to a friend, saying, quote, “My 6-foot-3, 220-pound soul-less, soon-to-be ex-husband is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna.  She called and he ran on her command back to New York City…Gross!”

IS JESSICA SIMPSON A WALKNG-TALKING BLONDE JOKE???
This sounds like a lame blonde joke, but those fine paragons of journalism at the “Star” say it’s true:  JESSICA SIMPSON was shopping at the Niketown store in Beverly Hills recently…when she asked one of the employees where she might find the Adidas sweat pants.  That is all.

WILL JASON CASTRO’S BROTHER BE ON “AMERICAN IDOL”???
“American Idol” just filmed the first week of next season’s “Hollywood round”, and the “New York Post” claims there were some interesting names among the contestants.  Supposedly, the younger brother of JASON CASTRO…the finalist from last season with the dreadlocks…made it to Hollywood, along with some kid named DAVID OSMOND, who’s the nephew of DONNY and MARIE OSMOND.  Then there’s Danni Roundtree…the current Miss New York USA…also reportedly made it to Hollywood.  (–Naturally, “American Idol” wouldn’t comment on any of this speculation.  The eighth season of “Idol” kicks off on January 13th.)

The Lawyer and his Porsche

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he said. ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.’

‘How can you say such a thing?’ asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, ‘Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing?   It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!’

‘OH, MY GOD!’ screamed the lawyer. . ‘MY ROLEX!

CHECK OUT THE GUY SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BACKWARDS!!!  CLICK HERE!!

A BLIND HUNTER BAGGED HIMSELF A DEER OVER THE WEEKEND.
You might think you’re a pretty good hunter.  But could you kill a deer with one arm behind your back…and your eyes closed?  I only ask because that’s basically what Dennis Thompson, a 46-year-old hunter from Columbia, Missouri, did two Saturdays ago.  See, Dennis got into a motorcycle accident in 2001…and he lost his right arm, his right leg and his sight as a result.  Anyway, Dennis shelled out for a special rifle scope that attaches to a video monitor, which allows a spotter to see where Dennis is aiming…and on November 15th, he bagged himself a deer.  (Check out a picture of Dennis and his kill here…)

A GUY IN KANSAS WON TWO CARS IN TWO DIFFERENT CONTESTS IN JUST TEN DAYS
On October 5th, 56-year-old Michael Horton of Topeka, Kansas, learned that he’d won a new Mitsubishi Lancer…worth $28,800…in a contest sponsored by Bic lighter.  Then, just TEN DAYS later, Michael won a 2008 “BON JOVI Special Edition” Saturn Outlook…worth $57,904…in another contest.  If you add it up, Michael won $86,704 worth of cars…in just a week and a half.  (If you’re wondering how the “Bon Jovi Special Edition” Outlook differs from every other Outlook, it has Bon Jovi logos on it, plus a black paint job and custom wheels.  And Michael was also given a guitar and Bon Jovi gold-plated records.  Pretty cool.  Check out some pictures of Michael and the “Bon Jovi Special Edition” Saturn Outlook here . . .)

A FLIGHT ATTENDANT HAD TO HELP LAND A PLANE AFTER THE CO-PILOT HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN:
Obviously, when someone has a mental breakdown…it’s bad news.  But when the person having the breakdown is the guy flying your plane…well, that’s a whole lot worse.  But that’s what happened last January on an Air Canada flight from Toronto to London.  According to the pilot, the plane was midway across the ocean when he noticed that his co-pilot was acting strange…talking in a, quote, “rambling and disjointed” manner and refusing to buckle his seatbelt.  Things got so bad that the pilot had to ask the flight attendants to PHYSICALLY remove the co-pilot from the cockpit.  And when the co-pilot fought back, they bound his hands and feet together…and sedated him.   Anyway, the pilot needed help landing the plane.  But there weren’t any other pilots on board.  So one of the flight attendants…who had a current commercial pilot’s license…stepped up and helped the pilot fly the plane.  (If you’re wondering, no passengers or crew members were harmed…and the co-pilot spent 11 days in a mental hospital in Ireland before being released.)

A 13-YEAR-OLD IN FLORIDA WAS ARRESTED…FOR BREAKING WIND IN CLASS
On November 4th, an unnamed 13-year-old student at Spectrum Junior and Senior High School in Stuart, Florida (–in the eastern part of the state, about 100 miles north of Miami), was arrested…for repeatedly BREAKING WIND in class.  Seriously.   According to the incident report, the boy, quote, “continually disrupted his classroom environment” by purposely passing gas and turning off other students’ computers while they were working.  So the school resource officer arrested the boy, and he was charged with “disruption of a school function”…before being released to his mother.

A ONE-LEGGED INMATE ESCAPED FROM THREE GUARDS:
I realize I probably shouldn’t be impressed by THIS…but I just can’t help it.  Last Thursday, 28-year-old Michael Hill of Greenford, England, was waiting to be transferred to jail after being charged with domestic burglary.  Michael was being guarded by three officers outside the courthouse when he took off running, climbed over a five-foot wall, and jumped two garden fences…before disappearing into the city.  So why is that so impressive?  Because Michael only has ONE LEG.  See, Michael lost his other leg a few years ago after being attacked by a Pit-bull…and his guards left him without handcuffs because they figured they didn’t need to keep a one-legged man in shackles.  Clearly, they were WRONG.  According to a guard who witnessed the escape, quote, “I couldn’t believe it when I heard he had a false leg.  He was like a sprinter in the Paralympics.  The guards are fat and smoke too much so they couldn’t catch him.”

A MAN’S CELL PHONE BLOCKED A STRAY BULLET AND SAVED HIS LIFE:
Last Saturday, 68-year-old Ronald Richard of St. Tammany, Louisiana, was mowing his lawn . . . when he felt something hit him in the chest.  Ronald didn’t think that much of it, but when he took off his sweater, he noticed that his cell phone . . . which had been clipped to his shirt directly over his heart . . . was shattered.  Then a .45 caliber BULLET fell out of Ronald’s cell phone case.  So what happened?  Apparently, Ronald lives near some woods, and the working theory is that he was hit by a stray bullet that had been fired by someone a few miles away.  According to Ronald, quote, “When [the EMTs] got here they made me take my shirt off to show them there was no hole . . . I don’t look at any of this as coincidence.  I look at this as God telling me to put my cell phone in that pocket, and I’m grateful and humbled.”  (–Check out a picture of Ronald here:)

COULD YOUR CHILD BE ADDICTED TO VIDEO GAMES???
An Italian teenager suffered a bizarre health scare recently.  A 13-year-old boy was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with an addiction to the video game system Playstation.  The teenager arrived at the hospital unable to speak and couldn’t comprehend what was going on around him.  Initially, doctors thought he may have suffered a stroke, but once they learned he had just finished a marathon Playstation session, they realized he was just suffering from withdrawals.  The 13-year-old asked his father to throw the gaming system away, and said, quote, “If I even think about it I want to throw up.”

DO YOU WANT TO SEE A VIDEO OF A WORM BEING REMOVED FROM A WOMAN’S BRAIN???
Last August, a woman from Phoenix, Arizona, named Rosemary Alvarez started experiencing blurred vision and numbness in her arm.  So she went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  But when Rosemary went under the knife to have the tumor removed, her doctors didn’t find a tumor at all.  Instead, they found a WORM that was LIVING IN HER BRAIN.  The doctors removed the worm and Rosemary is doing fine.  (–But what you really want to know is HOW Rosemary got a brain worm in the first place, right?  Well, her doctors say there are TWO ways to get one.  The first is by eating undercooked pork.  And the second is to eat food that was prepared by someone who didn’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.  Gross. You can check out video of the worm-removal procedure by clicking here. The actual operation footage starts at 2:42 . . . but you should know that it’s pretty graphic.  If you have a weak stomach . . . you might not want to watch.)

MADONNA AND GUY RITCHIE MAY HAVE SETTLED THEIR DIVORCE
There are reports all over the World Wide Web of Misinformation that MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE have settled their divorce.  Neither of their camps will confirm it, but here’s what the unofficial reports are telling us…Madonna and Guy will be granted a PRELIMINARY divorce decree by London’s High Court today.  It will become official in six weeks.  For all that tabloid talk about Guy being a golddigger, the word is that he refused to take ONE SINGLE CENT of Madonna’s fortune.  Not that he needs it.  Madonna is worth anywhere from $350 million to $500 million, but Guy is a multimillionaire on his own.  High-end estimates put his worth at around $45 million. For the record, one anonymous source told “People” magazine that Guy IS getting a big settlement from Madonna . . . but nobody’s talking about it because they both just want to get past this without a huge media circus.  The source says, quote, “He’s getting a lot of money from the settlement.  He’s not the gentleman he’s portraying himself as.”

DID ED MACMAHON ALMOST DIE????
You may have heard yesterday that ED MCMAHON had a heart attack last weekend.  He didn’t.  Ed was experiencing shortness of breath, so he ended up in the cardiac unit at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.  But his breathing problems were caused by smoke from the L.A. wildfires . . . not from any heart problems.  And he’s okay now.

HOLLYWOOD’S TOP-EARNING *COUPLES*:
“Forbes” magazine has just released a list of Hollywood’s 20 Top-Earning Couples.  (We’ll give you the top-five:  #5.)  BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE,  $34 million, #4.)  TIM MCGRAW and FAITH HILL,  $35 million, #3.)  DAVID BECKHAM and VICTORIA BECKHAM,  $58 million, #2.)  WILL SMITH and JADA PINKETT SMITH,  $85 million. And No. 1. . . . . .JAY-Z and BEYONCé easily took the top spot . . . collectively raking in $162 MILLION over the past year.  They nearly doubled the income of the #2 top-earning couple . . . WILL SMITH and JADA PINKETT SMITH, who made $85 million over that same period.

A WOMAN WITH A RARE DISORDER CAN’T RECOGNIZE ANYONE’S VOICE…EXCEPT SEAN CONNERY’S:
There’s a 60-year-old woman in the U.K….who’s been identified only as “KH”…and she has a condition that makes it impossible for her to recognize the sound of anyone’s voice…even when the voice belongs to a family member.  See, KH has a neurological disorder called Developmental Phonagnosia, and the only way KH knows who’s talking to her…is if she actually sees the face of the person who’s speaking.  But there is one voice that KH can ALWAYS recognize…SEAN CONNERY.  Seriously.  According to KH’s doctors, quote, “[Sean Connery's] accent is distinctive, and she is a British woman in her sixties.  Let’s say it’s probable he got her attention.”  The exact cause of Developmental Phonagnosia is still unknown…and KH’s doctors say hers is the first documented case of it ever.  (MSNBC)

A MAN COMMITTED SUICIDE BY JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE…THAT HE HELPED BUILD???
Last week, 67-year-old Daniel Mills of Staten Island, New York, learned he was suffering from a terminal illness and he didn’t have long to live.  But, it seems Daniel didn’t want to go on suffering…just so he could wait to die.  So, on Sunday, Daniel climbed up on the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge…which connects Staten Island and Brooklyn…and jumped off.  The irony is that in the 1960s, Daniel worked as an ironworker…and he’d actually helped build the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge.

YOU CAN BUY ODOR-EATERS FOR YOUR…UNDERWEAR
Do you suffer from extreme flatulence?  If so, you might want to pick up some “Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers”.  Confused?  Allow me to explain…A company called Garment Guard has just invented a new odor-eating fabric which, according to a press release, quote, “effectively filters the odor caused by flatulence.” (Basically, the idea is to stick one of these things down your underwear…and it’ll absorb the stench of your flatulence.  Seriously.  I have no idea if this product works, but if it does…it’s pretty awesome.You can pick up a five-pack of Subtle Butt odor eaters for $9.95 here.)

LETTER TO MY BANK

Dear  Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the  moment, I was wondering if you could advise me.

If one of my checks is returned marked “insufficient funds,” how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

CINDY MCCAIN’S SUPPOSED SIDE-ACTION IS A USED CAR DEALER:
The man CINDY MCCAIN is ALLEGEDLY having an affair with has been identified.  He’s a 56-year-old used car dealer by the name of DINO CASTELLI.  A so-called “source” says, quote, “Dino and Cindy have been secretly dating for three years.  I don’t think [John McCain] suspected what Cindy was doing behind his back. “But they had to cool the relationship after he became the presumptive Republican nominee this past March 4th.  Cindy had to travel with John, and there was always Secret Service around.” (–Here’s a clearer shot of Dino…)

TONY ROMO TOOK A HOMELESS MAN TO THE MOVIES:
A few months ago, TONY ROMO stopped to help an elderly couple who were stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire…and actually changed their tire for them.  As you may recall, this was right after the season opener between the Dallas Cowboys and the Cleveland Browns.  Tony had just gotten off a flight back to Texas, and had stitches in his chin from the game.  Well, Tony did another good deed earlier this week, when he treated a homeless man to a MOVIE.  And even though the guy obviously hadn’t showered in a while and was pretty RANK, Tony let the guy sit with him and his friend.  Supposedly, Tony didn’t want to make a big deal out of this.  But the head of P.R. for the Cowboys did.  So he spilled the story.  And he says, quote, “Tony doesn’t want any publicity for it.  He does these things because he is just a genuinely nice guy.”

PARIS HILTON AND BRITNEY SPEARS ARE THE MOST OVEREXPOSED CELEBRITIES:
According to a company called E-Poll Market Research, 65% of Americans polled said they would use the term “overexposed” to describe Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.  Here are the Top 10 Most Overexposed Celebrities…
#1.)  (tie)  PARASITE HILTON and BRITNEY SPEARS,  65%
#3.)  LINDSAY LOHAN,  56%
#4.)  DINA LOHAN,  50%
#5.)  PAMELA ANDERSON,  49%
#6.)  O.J. SIMPSON,  47%
#7.)  (four-way tie)  DONALD TRUMP, MILEY CYRUS, NICOLE RICHIE and HEIDI MONTAG,  44%

EVER WONDER WHO GETS THE WRITE-IN VOTES FOR PRESIDENT?
Recently, election officials in Duval County, Florida (–which contains the city of Jacksonville), released a list of individuals who received write-in votes for president during the November 4th election.    Hillary Clinton led the way with 234 write-in votes for president…followed by Ron Paul with 174.  Mike Huckabee got 21 votes, Mitt Romney got 14…and Chuck Norris got TWO.  Rudy Giuliani, Al Gore and Stephen Colbert each got FOUR write-in votes.  Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse each got THREE votes.  Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Bill Nye “The Science Guy” and Tim Tebow (–who’s the quarterback for the University of Florida) each got TWO votes.  Homer Simpson, Oprah Winfrey, Tommy Chong, Pat Buchanan, Tiger Woods, Jimmy Carter, Bugs Bunny and Joe the Plumber each got ONE vote for president.  Jesus received 23 write-in votes…and God got SIX.

A WOMAN WANTS TO REPLACE HER EYE WITH…A WEB CAM???
Three years ago, 35-year-old Tanya Vlach of San Francisco, California, lost her left eye in a car accident…and she’s lived with a prosthetic eyeball ever since.  Anyway, Tanya came up with the idea to replace her regular, acrylic eyeball…with one that has a WEB CAM inside it.  Tanya wrote on her website, quote, “While my prosthetic is an excellent aesthetic replacement, I am interested in capitalizing on the current advancement of technology to enhance the abilities of my prosthesis for an augmented reality.”  And get this…according to a few doctors who’ve responded to Tanya’s request…it actually IS possible to put a camera inside a prosthetic eye.  In other words, Tanya could soon be able to record her ENTIRE LIFE…which you could view online in REAL TIME.

IS THIS THE FATTEST CAT YOU’VE EVER SEEN OR WHAT???
There’s a veterinary charity organization in the U.K. called PDSA which is holding a contest…to see how much weight EIGHT overweight pets can lose. Anyway, SEVEN of the pets that are entered in the contest are dogs, and the other animal is a 13-year-old cat named Tinks…who weighs 24 pounds.  (Take a look at Tinks here…)

IT’S NOT TURKEY SEASON

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.?

He stopped and asked the boy, ‘Where did you get that turkey?’?

The boy replied, ‘What turkey?’?

The game warden said, ‘That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.’?

The boy looks down and said, ‘Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!’?

The game warden said, ‘Now look, you know turkey season is closed…so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you!

If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?’

The little boy said, ‘I guess I’ll just kiss his butt and let him go!’

A GUY LOST 140 POUNDS IN ORDER TO JOIN THE MILITARY:
Last December, 23-year-old Ulysses Milanna of Lewiston, Maine (–in the southeastern part of the state, about 40 miles north of Portland), tried to join the military . . . but he was told by Army and Navy recruiters that he was too heavy to enlist.  See, Ulysses weighed 330 pounds.  But over the past 11 months, Ulysses has managed to lose 140 pounds (–which would put him at 190 pounds) . . . and yesterday, he began boot camp at the U.S. Marine Corp’s training facility in Parris Island, South Carolina.  (All I can say is that anyone who has the self-discipline and determination to lose 140 pounds in less than a year . . . is the sort of person I want defending my country.  Good work, Ulysses….Check out some “before and after” pictures of Ulysses here . . .)

IS IT POSSIBLE TO BECOME AN EX-CON BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO FAT FOR PRISON???
A really large Canadian prison inmate was released from custody because he couldn’t fit in his cell.  The  ”Journal de Montreal” newspaper reports that Michael Lapointe tips the scale at close to 500 pounds and officials were forced to set him free.  Lapointe is a drug gang member who is known as “Big Mike” and was given a half a decade sentence earlier this year for a 2006 crime.  However, he was simply too large for the cell.  The paper says he couldn’t sit on the chair in his cell or fit on the bed.  ”Big Mike” was released this week.  (If only we can get a story about a guy who decided to lose weight so he could go to prison!!  Now that would be FREAKY!!)

A COUPLE SENT THEIR KIDS DOOR-TO-DOOR TO COLLECT DONATIONS . . . AND SPENT ALL THE MONEY ON THEMSELVES:
Last year, 35-year-old Carley Torres and her husband, 33-year-old Laramie Torres, of Medford, Oregon, sent their kids door-to-door to ask for donations . . . so they could send their daughter to volleyball camp.  But instead of using the money to send the kid to camp like they said . . . they blew it on shopping trips, movies and monster truck rallies.  Now, it’s unclear exactly how Carley and Laramie got caught . . . but what’s important is that they DID.  Laramie and Carley were both charged with theft.  Laramie was given 160 hours of community service and two years of probation . . . while Carley got 90 days in jail.  Plus, they have to return all $3,000 they scammed off their friends and neighbors.

2008′s First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

’In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said,  ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

’You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said. 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ’And just what do those symbolize?’

The man replied, ’These are Carols.’ 

And So The Christmas Season Begins……

Their website is www.memphis-njoy.com. They are NOT a tobacco product. The N-Joy Electronic Cigarette allows you to feel like you are smoking…without hurting your lungs…or other people around you. The N-Joy creates a vapor-like smoke and gives you the Nicotine you crave. You can call them at 901-907-0507.

CHECK OUT THE GUY FROM NEBRASKA WHO SET A NEW WORLD RECORD FOR HAVING THE TALLEST MOHAWK:
Eric Hahn set a new record…for having the world’s tallest mohawk.  Eric’s mohawk was measured at 27 inches tall (–or two feet, three inches tall)...which is THREE inches taller than the old world record.  (Take a look at Eric and his record-setting mohawk…and a picture of the old record holder, Aaron Studham…here:)

Plus, here’s a picture of the previous record holder:

THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION IS GETTING A TOILET…THAT TURNS PEE INTO DRINKING WATER???
On Friday, space shuttle Endeavor took off from Cape Canaveral, Florida, on a 15-day mission to remodel and restock the International Space Station.  Anyway, one of the new items for the Station is a $250 MILLION water recycling system that turns pee…into drinking water.  Seriously.  According to NASA, the new system will distill, filter, heat, oxidize, and ionize the waste…in order to make it drinkable.  NASA officials estimate that the new system will be able to process about SIX gallons of water a day…or nearly 2,200 gallons a year.  A guy named Bob Bagdigian was the lead engineer on the water recycling system.  He says, quote, “Other than a faint taste of iodine, [the water] is just as refreshing as any other kind of water.  I’ve got some in my fridge.  It tastes fine to me.” (Okay, I realize that NASA wouldn’t use this system unless it was completely safe for the astronauts…but I think I’d still have a mental hang-up about drinking my own pee.  Or anyone else’s for that matter.  Wouldn’t you?)

WORLD LEADERS MET IN WASHINGTON OVER THE WEEKEND TO DISCUSS THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS…AND DRINK $300 BOTTLES OF WINE:
This past weekend, world leaders from all over the globe gathered in Washington, D.C., to discuss the global financial crisis.  Anyway, on Friday night, the White House hosted a fancy dinner for them where they served “fruitwood-smoked quail” and “thyme-roasted rack of lamb”, along with bottles of “2003 Shafer Hillside Select Cabernet”…a wine which costs $300 a bottle.  (In other words, world leaders care enough about the economy to “discuss” it…but not enough to actually cut back on their own expenses like WE’VE been forced to do.  How typical is that?  You can pick up a $300 bottle of 2003 Shafer Hillside Select Cabernet here.)

A MAN WAS STABBED IN THE GROIN BY A DEER’S ANTLER:
This is just a heads-up to let you know that it’s deer-mating season.  So if you see a deer that’s acting kind of funny…you should probably just leave it be.  Here’s why…Last Thursday, Gilbert Genn of Gaithersburg, Maryland, stepped outside to take his dog, Yuffie, for a walk…when he noticed a deer in his front yard.  According to Gilbert, quote, “[Yuffie] started circling it, and the deer didn’t run.  After a couple of seconds, I realized this was going to be a serious situation…so I tore down the driveway screaming ‘Yuffie get away!’  “It came right at me…I tried to run, but it caught me flush in the back right leg, impaled me with its weight and knocked me to the ground…[Then] it impaled me in the GROIN AREA.”  Gilbert was rushed to the hospital with stab wounds to his leg, chest, and groin…and if you can believe it, his doctors say he’s going to be OK.  (Check out a picture of Gilbert in the hospital here…)

NEVER TRUST AN ACCOUNTANT

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountatnt has cheated him out of ten million bucks. He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. “Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What are you talking about.”

The interpreter tells the godfather, “He says he doesn”t know what you are talking about.”

The mobster puts a pistol to the bookkeeper”s head. “Ask him again.”

The interpreter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”

“Okay, okay!” the bookkeeper signs back. “The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard.”

“What’d he say?” asks the mobster.

“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”