Mike and Mandy In The Morning!

MAN SHOOTS LAWN MOWER
A 57-year-old Milwaukee, Wisconsin man has been charged with shooting his lawn mower with a sawed-off shotgun. Said Keith Walendowski in his statement to police: “I’ll tell you the truth, I got miffed because my lawn mower wouldn’t start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. I can do that. It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want.” The shooting occurred last Wednesday at a home Walendowski shares with his mother. According to authorities, Walendowski had been drinking all morning. Around 9:30 a.m., he attempted to start his 21-inch Lawn-Boy – unsuccessfully. (It takes a special kind of drunk to be drinking all morning by 9:30 a.m.)

GUY CLIMBS OUT OF FERRIS WHEEL CAR
A Ferris wheel rider at Pennsylvania’s Hershey Park didn’t like the conversation he was having with his female companion, so he got off the ride — while it was moving. The man, who was not identified, climbed out of the ride’s car and climbed to its roof, where he sat crossed-legged for about 25 minutes as police and his family tried to talk him down. When the man stepped out of his car, the ride operator used the emergency shut-off button to stop the ride.  He was about 30 feet from the ground. No injuries were reported. The man was taken into custody by police, who would not say if he will be charged. The female companion was not charged. (She was probably complaining that there relationship wasn’t spontaneous enough!!!)

IT TURNS OUT THAT BRUSSELS SPROUTS GIVE GORILLAS GAS:
Recently, zookeepers at the Chessington World of Adventures in Chessington, England decided to add brussels sprouts to the diet of their ten gorillas.  But after just a few days, zoo workers were forced to stop feeding the gorillas the sprouts . . . because visitors started complaining that they were overwhelmed by the stench of gorilla flatulence.  According to a park spokesman, quote, “This is the first year we have given our gorillas Brussels sprouts.  [We] decided to give them the sprouts as a festive treat, and because they are packed full of vitamin C.  “The gorillas loved them, but I don’t think any of us were prepared for a smell that strong.”

MAKING BREAKFAST

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him.

‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

THIEVES ACCIDENTALLY CALL THE COPS ON THEMSELVES!
Have you ever rubbed up against your cell phone in your pocket, causing it to randomly call someone?  It’s called “pocket Dialing”….and it’s the reason one crook is in jail this morning.   Two men from Middletown, New York were trying to steal car parts when one of the crooks accidently “pocket-dialed” 911 on his cell phone in the middle of the act!  Sometime around 3 a.m. Monday 9-1-1 dispatch received a phone call with clear audio of the two crooks in action. That’s when the dispatcher radioed officers saying, “It sounds like they’re ripping a car off…it dialed in their pocket by accident. They’re taking the tires off a car.”  The dispatcher kept the line open, monitored it, and used GPS technology to pinpoint the location and tell cops exactly where to go. Police say when they arrived they caught the suspects in the act stealing parts from the cars and arrested them.

IDIOT PUTS ENGAGEMENT RING INSIDE HELIUM BALLOON
In London, Lefkos Hajji wanted to surprise his girlfriend Leanne with an engagement ring. He told a florist to put the ring inside a helium balloon, so he could take it to his girlfriend, hand her a pin and “pop” the question. (ha-ha!).  But as he left the shop a gust of wind pulled the balloon from his hand and it soared into the sky. Lefkos, 28, said: “I couldn’t believe it. I just watched as it went further and further into the air. It cost a fortune and I knew my girlfriend would kill me.”  He spent two hours chasing the balloon in his car – but eventually gave up hope. Florist Helen Savva, who put the ring in the balloon, said: “I thought he was taking a risk. I said, ‘I hope you hold on to it’.” Lefkos is still hoping the balloon turns up.

GUY USES DEODORANT OFF STORE SHELF, PUTS IT BACK
Police in Anderson Township, Ohio say Timothy Boggs, 19, was walking down the aisle of a Kroger store last Thursday when he grabbed a stick of deodorant off the shelf, applied it, then put the stick back on the shelf. Boggs’s effort to freshen up resulted in his arrest, a night in jail and a guilty plea.

A TRIP TO THE PATENT OFFICE

A friend went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of his inventions.

He went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down his personal info and then asked him what he had invented.

He said, “A folding bottle.”

She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”

“A Fottle.”

“What else do you have?”

“A folding carton.”

“What do you call it?”

“A Farton.”

She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

He was so upset by her comment that he grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about his folding bucket.

PLASTIC SURGEON TURNS YOUR FAT INTO DIESEL FUEL????
Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Craig Alan Bittner was, for a time, powering his biodiesel Ford SUV with fat he removed from patients. Fat, whether animal or vegetable, contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. A gallon of grease will get you about a gallon of fuel, and drivers can get about the same amount of mileage from fat fuel as they do from regular diesel. It’s illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Dr. Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. At least three patients claim Dr. Bittner removed too much fat and left them disfigured. Dozens of other patients have complained to the state medical board. While the state board is investigating, Bittner closed his practice, Beverly Hills Liposculpture, in November and moved to South America.  (I wonder if Ford, Chrysler, or Chevy is listening to this?  You know, there’s got to be more to this guy if he leaves Beverly Hills for South America.)

MAN GOES TO BROTHEL, FINDS WIFE WORKING
In Poland, a man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment’s employees. The woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town. “I was dumbfounded. I thought I was dreaming,” the husband said. The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing.

GOLDFISH SURVIVES AFTER SPENDING 13 HOURS OUT OF WATER
Barbara Woodford is the owner of one tough goldfish.  Britain’s “The Daily Telegraph” is reporting that Woodford’s pet fish Ginger survived after jumping out of its bowl and spending 13 hours out of water.  Woodford awoke one morning to discover that Ginger was no longer in his bowl.  After searching for the fish, Woodford left for work fearing that Ginger was dead.  However, when she returned from work that evening she discovered her pet behind a cupboard still breathing.  Woodford described the ordeal saying, quote, “I picked him up with a spatula and his mouth started moving.  I put him back into the water and off he went.”

A SNOWMAN IN KROGER

A snowman goes into Kroger and is standing in the produce section.

A clerk walks up to him and says, “Hey, you’re a snowman, what are you doing standing in the produce aisle?”

The snowman said, “I was just picking my nose.”

DIGITAL MUSIC IS RECESSION PROOF!!!!

The economy might be in the crappers, but that hasn’t stopped digital music sales from flourishing.  Music-news.com tells us, more than one-billion digital songs have been purchased this year.  Digital music sales have doubled since 2006, and are up more than 150 million since 2007.  The final tally for digital sales in 2008 is projected to be around one-billion 40-million.  Leona Lewis’ “Bleeding Love” was the number-one download of 2008, selling more than three-point-three million in the United States alone.

AFTER CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS. .  .IT’S THE “AWARDS SEASON”

Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are about to receive nominating ballots for this year’s Oscar ceremonies.  Ballots must be completed and turned in to the accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers by January 12th.  Among the films generating Oscar buzz are “Frost/Nixon,” “Australia,” “Milk” and “Revolutionary Road.”  Nominations will be announced January 22nd.  The 81st Academy Awards ceremony is scheduled to be held February 22nd at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood.

REALITY SHOW AUDITION KIOSKS

Reality TV producer Mark Burnett has more than a dozen reality series either ramping up or in production. He desperately needs contestants. To help, Burnett is rolling out auditioning kiosks. For about $20, the automated machines will give people a simple way to create high-def video auditions and then submit the tape to Burnett’s production company. Burnett says he plans to use the tapes to help cast a variety of his shows, possibly even “Survivor” and “The Apprentice.” The self-contained kiosks are expected to roll out in high-traffic areas like shopping malls and college campuses next year.  (Yeah, possibly even “Survivor” and “The Apprentice”, but probably more like “Bachelorette Grandma” and “Mime Island”.)

Our first Christmas with Allie was AWESOME! :)  Of course, she didn’t understand what the presents were, but she sure did have a great time opening them.

The one thing I discovered was that Christmas is A LOT more tiring if you’re a grown-up!  Wrapping gifts….helping Allie to UN-wrap gifts…picking up all the discarded paper…assembling the toys…and finally….trying to figure out WHY all kids toys are practically GLUED to the freakin’ boxes!  I mean, COME ON PEOPLE!  I know that this Elmo doll is popular, but is it really necessary to twist-tie each of his appendages as though you were some dominatrix? <sigh>  But, I digress….

We were awakened at 6AM by the Allie Alarm ™.  You know…the sweet baby coos that turn into mad baby screams if you don’t respond in a time she deems suitable.  We changed her diaper and rushed her into the living room to let her see her gifts.

She kept looking over her shoulder at us….as if she expected to be told “NO” at any moment. As a result, instead of dozens of pictures of a smiling baby opening her gifts…we have dozens of pictures of a suspicious baby opening her gifts….as you’ll see in the following 2 pictures.

It took a while, but she finally realized that she wasn’t going to get into trouble for ripping into the wrapping and started to enjoy herself.

I will admit, though, it was so much fun to see her playing with the new toys. One of the toys was an “Elmo Live” doll.  It is so cool!  We’ll have to put a video here for you to see why it’s so neat, but take my word for it….it’s pretty cool to see my daughter “Steal Elmo’s nose”…

Ultimately, though, Allie is only 11-months old…and like ANY 11-month old, she is more interested in playing with the bows from the presents than playing with her toys.

Still, it was a great Christmas!

MAN FINDS MONEY, TWICE, AT HOME DEPOT
Gil Steward went to the Auburn, Maine Home Depot at 7:30 a.m. last Tuesday. He found a wallet on the floor and, opening it to look for a name on a license, found it was filled with big bills – 50′s and 100′s – totaling almost a thousand dollars. He took it up to the service counter, and they paged the man who’s name was on the driver’s license in the wallet. Ten minutes later, while he was still shopping the aisles, Steward said a young man in his 20s approached him and thanked him profusely.  Two days later, on Thursday, Steward found himself back at Home Depot. This time, he spotted a green money bag on the floor with a vending company name on its side. Steward again took the bag to the service counter, who returned it to a man who had been delivering cases of soda to the store.  Steward and his wife could hardly believe the odds. “He thinks he’s being tested,” said wife Dee Steward.

SHOE COMPANY SEES INCREASE IN SALES SINCE SHOE-THROWING
The Turkish shoe company making the brand of footwear used by an Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush has seen a surge in orders. Ramazan Baydan, owner of the shoe factory in Istanbul, says he has received orders in the past week for some 300,000 pairs of the model that was thrown at the president.  “Someone even came from America seeking distribution rights,” Baydan said. The entrepreneur wants to rename the model, a brown leather shoe with a thick sole, as the “Bush shoes”. In Turkey the shoes sell for $42 wholesale.

RESERVED SEATING AT CHRISTMAS SERVICE
German officials are calling for church pews to be reserved for church members to ensure they are not squeezed out by holiday-only parishioners. Politicians in the country are saying it is unfair if regular attendants of church services couldn’t find a seat at Christmas. “I support making services on December 24 open only to those who pay their church tax,” said Thomas Volk, a member of the Christian Democratic Union board. Germans pay church tax along with their income tax unless they opt out. In Berlin, Martin Lindner, head of the Free Democrats party, said it was intolerable that in the past, active members of church congregations – often the elderly – had been forced to stand through the Christmas service because the pews were full. “Church tax payers should not be kept outside during such important services,” he said. “Church members should be given tickets, for example, to give them priority seating.”

OPRAH LOOKING FOR D.C. HOME
Oprah Winfrey wants to be as close to Barack Obama as possible. Insiders say Oprah Winfrey has started a preliminary search for a home in Washington, DC. And not just for the inauguration – she want a permanent place in the city for the upcoming Barack Obama administration.  One source says she was considering a nine-bedroom Georgetown mansion listed at $50 million, but another source said, “She has never personally been to see it.”

PARIS HILTON’S HOME BURGLED
Police say Paris Hilton’s Beverly Hills home was broken into early Friday morning. According to cops, a man in a hooded sweatshirt forced entry in through her front door and ransacked her bedroom. Preliminary reports indicated that $2 million worth of jewelry and other belongings were taken. Police say Paris was not home at the time.

BRITNEY GETS THE KIDS FOR CHRISTMAS
Britney Spears missing a party? It might be true. Britney is reportedly forfeiting a night out on New Year’s Eve to stay home with her children. Ex-husband Kevin Federline, who currently has sole custody of the boys, will let them spend both Christmas and New Year’s with their mom – while he parties with new girlfriend Victoria Prince in Las Vegas.

A COUPLE IN TORONTO SPENT NEARLY $10,000 OF THEIR OWN MONEY TO FEED THE CITY’S HOMELESS:
A lot of people TALK about how they’d like to help those in need.  But aside from giving spare change to the occasional homeless person…most of them never actually DO anything.  That’s why it’s cool to hear about people like Martin Teplitsky and his wife, Nancy Backhouse, of Toronto, Canada.  For the last several years, Martin and Nancy have hosted a holiday dinner serving filet mignon to the city’s homeless population.  But Martin and Nancy don’t just host the dinner.  They also FINANCE it.  So how much did this year’s dinner set them back?  Martin and Nancy spent $2,600 to buy 206 pounds of filet mignon.  Then they handed out another $6,000 in CASH, along with socks and jackets.   Overall, Martin and Nancy spent nearly $10,000…on Toronto’s homeless.  Here’s what makes this a Freak File…Martin is a lawyer!

A SHARK AT THE ATLANTIS RESORT IN THE BAHAMAS JUMPED OUT OF ITS AQUARIUM…AND INTO THE HOTEL POOL:
On Tuesday, a shark at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas somehow leaped out of its tank and onto a nearby water slide…which led to the hotel pool.  According to a statement released by the resort, quote, “a 12-year-old reef shark jumped over an 18-inch wide and one-foot high sustaining structure into the resort’s Leap of Faith water slide.  “Once the shark fell onto the slide and into the chlorinated water, it was in significant distress.  The Marine Aquarium Operations team responded immediately and was able to return the animal to the main marine habitat in an attempt to resuscitate her. “Despite the team’s best efforts to recover the animal, it DIED shortly after the occurrence  The pool wasn’t open at the time, and no one was injured (–other than the shark).  (Take a look at some pictures of the shark and the rescue operation here . . .)

A PILOT TURNED THE PLANE AROUND JUST MINUTES BEFORE LANDING BECAUSE HE WASN’T QUALIFIED TO LAND IN DENSE FOG:
When you fly, you put a lot of faith in the flight crew…so you’d hope your pilot would have the skills to handle ANY situation that might pop up.  But it seems that’s not the case…at least in some instances.  For example, yesterday, a pilot for Flybe Airlines was making a flight from London to Paris.  But just a few minutes before landing, he got on the intercom and told his passengers, quote, “I am not qualified to land the plane.”  Then he turned the plane around…and headed back to London.  So what was the problem?  Apparently, it was really foggy in Paris…and the pilot wasn’t certified to land in fog.  According to a spokesman for the airline, the pilot has not yet completed the requisite low-visibility training to complete a landing in conditions such as the dense fog…The captain therefore quite correctly turned the aircraft around…a decision which the company stands by 100%.”

PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY BIDDING ON A TISSUE SCARLETT JOHANSSON BLEW HER NOSE INTO:
I’ll be the first person to admit that SCARLETT JOHANSSON is VERY sexy.  But I believe, as I do with any celebrity, that there have GOT to be limits to the worship.  Unfortunately, not everyone agrees.  People are actually hitting up eBay and bidding on a tissue that Scarlett BLEW HER NOSE INTO.  And last we checked, the price had been driven up past $2,100.  Just so you know, this is a LEGIT auction.  Scarlett was on “The Tonight Show” on Wednesday night, nursing a cold she had caught from SAMUEL L. JACKSON while they were filming their upcoming movie, “The Spirit”.  Scarlett blew her nose into the tissue, and now she and the “Tonight Show” are selling it…with proceeds going to a food-gathering charity called USA Harvest.

EDDIE MURPHY WILL *NOT* PLAY THE RIDDLER IN THE NEXT “BATMAN” MOVIE:
That silly rumor about EDDIE MURPHY playing the Riddler in the next “Batman” movie was, as we assumed, BOGUS.  Eddie’s rep says it’s NOT TRUE. Meanwhile, nominees for this year’s Screen Actors Guild were announced yesterday.  Not that anyone pays attention to them normally.  But it’s worth noting that HEATH LEDGER has notched yet another nomination for his work as the Joker in “The Dark Knight”.  He’s up for supporting actor. (The show airs live on both TNT and TBS on Sunday, January 25th.)

THE “FIRST LADY OF STAR TREK” HAS DIED:
Put down your 20-sided dice and set your phasers on “Mourn”, my Vulcan friends.  The “First Lady of ‘Star Trek’” has died.  MAJEL BARRETT RODDENBERRY…the widow of “Trek” creator GENE RODDENBERRY…passed away yesterday.  Barrett died of leukemia.  She was 76 years old.  Barrett was a recurring character on the original “Star Trek” series.  She played Nurse Christine Chapel.  She also played Lwaxana Troi on “Star Trek:  The Next Generation”…and was the voice of the USS Enterprise’s computer in most of the spin-off series and movies…including the upcoming “Star Trek” prequel movie that’s coming out in May.

QUICK CHRISTMAS JOKE

Q.  What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

A.Frostbite

RESEARCHERS AT CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY ARE PUTTING GPS UNITS INSIDE FOOTBALLS TO HELP REFEREES GET THE CALL RIGHT:
If you’re a football fan, then you’re going to love this.  And even if you’re not, it’s still pretty cool…Dr. Priya Narasimhan is a professor of Electrical and Computer Engineering at Carnegie Mellon University, and her latest project involves putting pressure sensors inside football gloves…and GPS units inside footballs.  The idea is that if officials can keep track of exactly WHO has the ball WHEN and WHERE…they’ll have irrefutable proof of:  #1.)  Exactly when the ball breaks the plane of the goal line.  #2.)  If the ball was caught before hitting the ground.  #3.)  Who actually has the ball at the bottom of a pile.  #4.)  Whether or not a ball was caught before a receiver went out of bounds.  Dr. Narasimhan says neither she nor any of her colleagues have talked to anyone in the NFL about the technology…and she’s not even sure if they’re interested.

A BABY IN COLORADO WAS BORN WITH A FOOT GROWING OUT OF HIS BRAIN:
On October 1st, Tiffnie Esquibel of Colorado Springs, Colorado, gave birth to a baby boy named Sam.  Anyway, shortly after Sam was born, doctors discovered what appeared to be a tumor growing on his brain.  So on October 3rd, they performed surgery to remove the growth.  But instead of finding a tumor like they expected, they found a fully-developed FOOT…along with parts of an intestine, a hand and a thigh…growing OUT OF HIS BRAIN.  (So you know, Sam’s surgery was a success and his doctors expect a full recovery.  But his doctors can only theorize about WHY he had a foot growing out of his brain.  One theory is that the growth could have been a case of “fetus in fetu”…which is when one twin starts to form INSIDE the other.  But, like I said, the doctors don’t really know.  Check out a GRAPHIC picture of the foot growing out of Sam’s brain by clicking here . . .)

A DJ IN LONDON IS PLANNING TO RAISE SOME CASH BY SELLING HIS…GOLD TEETH???
Every day, it becomes just a little bit clearer that NO ONE is safe from the impact of the poor global economy…not even obscure British DJs.  Three years ago, a 30-year-old DJ from London named Anthony Ghosh…or “DJ Talent” as he’s known professionally…spent more than $15,000 get gold crowns on his teeth in a questionable attempt to boost his career. According to Anthony, quote, “I had all my teeth filed down to small spikes to be more recognizable to my fans and have a trademark as a recording artist.  “But due to the credit crunch and things not going too great at the moment, I’m forced to think about what I’m going to do in the future.  It’s a big decision getting rid of my teeth and could cost me my career, as I don’t know if I’ll be noticed with white teeth.”  Anthony is hoping to sell his crowns for more than $45,000.  (Check out a picture of Anthony, aka DJ Talent, here . . .)

***CLICK ON PICTURES TO SEE A LARGER VERSION***

Every Wednesday at 8:40, Guardian Angel Pet Rescue joins the Mike and Mandy show to showcase a special animal that needs a good home.

This week’s featured pet is Katy.

Katy and her sister Kamy were found by Tipton County Animal Control wandering through the back roads of Brighton, TN.  When they were taken to the shelter they were only 3 months old and she weighed 12 pounds.  Katy is now 17 months old, 20 inches tall (at the shoulder) and weighs about 40 pounds. She is very smart; already crate trained, house trained and knows a few basic commands. Katy gets along well with other dogs, does well with the 2 cats she lives with and likes children.  She loves ride in the car, enjoys taking walks and would probably be a good dog to jog/run with.  Katy is a loving dog that is extremely appreciative of being rescued and loves to cuddle to show her appreciation.  She is a playful puppy that really needs to live with another dog or have lots of human interaction.  Katy is very well behaved and enjoys curling up on the couch with her sister or with any other dog or human.  If you and your dog are looking for a young dog that has a lot of love and loyalty to give then you have found her. Or if you are looking for 2 dogs (2 is better than 1 because they can keep each other company when you are busy) then Katy and her sister Kamy would love to call you their new family.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

DO YOU WANT TO BE BURIED WITH…YOUR CELL PHONE???
When you die, do you want to be buried…with your cell phone?  I only ask because, according to professionals in the funeral industry, more and more people are being buried with their cell phones and other electronic gadgets like iPods and handheld videogame devices.  Well, it turns out there are THREE main reasons why people like to be buried with their cell phones and other electronic devices.
#1.)  People like to be buried with the things they hold dear.  For a lot of people, the thing they treasure most…is their cell phone.
#2.)  It’s comforting to see relatives as they were when they were alive…with a Bluetooth headset in their ear, or always listening to their iPod.
#3.)  A lot of people consider their cell phone to be an extension of themselves…so it would actually seem more bizarre if they WEREN’T buried with it.
(–All I want to know is, if you bury someone with their cell phone, how long do you have to wait before you can start making prank calls…where you pretend to be the dead guy calling from the grave?)

FATAL CAR CRASHES ARE DOWN BY 72% IN ONE CALIFORNIA COUNTY SINCE A HANDS-FREE CELL PHONE LAW WENT INTO EFFECT:
You might know that earlier this year, a new law went into effect in California that requires drivers to use a hands-free earpiece…if they want to talk on their cell phone while driving.  The idea is that talking on your cell phone is a major distraction…and if drivers are forced to use hands-free devices, the number of accidents will go down.  Anyway, it looks like the new law is working because since it went into effect on July 1st, car crashes are down by 11% in Santa Barbara County…and fatal car accidents are down by 72%.

BURGER KING HAS COME OUT WITH A NEW BODY SPRAY THAT SMELLS LIKE FLAME-BROILED MEAT:
Guys…want to know what will really help you score with the ladies?  It’s a new cologne called “Flame”, which is a new body spray from Burger King…yes, Burger King.  “Flame” is supposed to make you smell like flame-broiled meat!!!!! (–Oh man, this is great.  The chicks are going to FLOCK to you!!!  Now if Taco Bell would just come out with a deodorant you’d be set.  You can pick up a bottle of Flame for $4 here:  http://www.firemeetsdesire.com/)

LITTLE JOHNNY AND HIS CANDY BARS

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”

A NEW ANIMATED MOVIE CALLED “DELGO” IS THE BIGGEST BOMB…EVER:
Did you go to see that new animated movie “Delgo” this weekend???  Wait, let me answer that for you:  No, you didn’t.  And I know this because…NOBODY DID.  “Delgo” has been officially branded the biggest box office bomb OF ALL TIME…at least for a movie opening on more than 2,000 screens.  “Delgo” opened this past weekend and took in $511,920 on 2,160 screens.  That averages out to about TWO PEOPLE PER SHOWING.

OPRAH IS MOVING FROM ABC TO HBO:
OPRAH WINFREY has signed an exclusive, three-year deal to develop and produce “scripted”…a.k.a. NON-REALITY…programming for HBO.  It goes into effect in the coming year, when Oprah’s 20-year partnership with ABC comes to an end.  Oprah says she enjoyed working with ABC, but, quote, “There are natural limitations to network television…which obviously HBO does not have to deal with.” (–”network limitations” is basically code for SEX AND PROFANITY.  Not that Oprah would actually admit that.  Oprah also has her own network, OWN, debuting in the new year.  That’s under a separate, unrelated deal with Discovery Communications.)

“SUPER” GUEST STARS ON THE “SUPER” PRIME TIME “OFFICE”
We already knew that JACK BLACK wasn’t going to be the only guest-star on the hour-long “Office” that’s airing after the Super Bowl.  And now we hear he’ll be joined by JESSICA ALBA and CLORIS LEACHMAN.

It’s begining to look a lot like Christmas….as evident from the increased traffic, the madness at stores, and the vast amount of deflated “inflatable snow globes” on the lawns of my neighbors.  So, we decided it was time to put on Allie’s Christmas dress and have a picture made with Santa.
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Now, Allie’s grandmother is known for a lot of things…her crazy obsession with having 15 bottles of laundry detergent available at all times….and her crazy obsession with making sure Allie has a Christmas dress.
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To date, she has sent Allie 4 dresses.  One is WAY too big, one isn’t really a Christmas dress (she thought the horses on the dress were reindeer, but…um…they were horses…duh), and the other two are…well…it’s easier to just show them to you…
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It’s the same dress, just in two different sizes.  You know, just in case one is too small…there’s a “back-up” dress in a larger size.  If only we could all be so lucky!  In the end, the 12-month size fit just fine…and Allie looked super cute in it!
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Notice her feet are cut off in that picture?  Was that just an accident?  Am I just a bad photographer?  Did Allie wiggle her feet out of the picture?  Um….no.  The reason I cut her feet out of the photo is because I couldn’t find a pair of shoes for her. :(
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No biggie, she still looked cute enough to take out!  We had heard that Bass Pro Shops had a great Santa Claus….and that the line was super short!  Sounded good to me….as long as we didn’t show up to discover that Santa was wearing camo.
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When we arrived, we walked past the children’s shooting range (I’m not kidding) and got in line to see Santa.  There were a few kids in front of us, and EVERY single one of them screamed the second their butt hit Santa’s lap.  Brad and I looked at each other and thought….oh crap, this is NOT a good sign. Once Allie had her turn, she did GREAT!  First, she had to check Santa out…
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Once she figured out that Santa was going to be a nice guy, she was ready for her close up.
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WOW!!  No screaming, no kicking, no crying!  It was a beautiful thing!  We were thrilled with the entire experience.  So thrilled, in fact, that we decided to push our luck and take her to ANOTHER Santa.  Our friend (Mike Montana) was playing Santa for the local animal shelter, and we wanted to go check it out.  Granted, the pictures were SUPPOSED to be “Santa and your pet”…but, whatever, Allie was in her cute dress and we wanted to see how it went.
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Notice the look she’s giving him?  It’s like she’s saying…”hey, man, I know you!!  You’re the dude that gave me turkey a few weeks ago!”
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The funniest part of the whole “Animal Shelter Santa Pictures” experience was that when they gave us the CD of the photos, it was labeled “Human baby with Santa”.  HUMAN BABY!!!  Hahahahahahaha!! Priceless.