Mike and Mandy In The Morning!

STUPID CRIMINALS!!!

How dumb can you get?  Really, really, REALLY dumb.  Jonathan Parker, a PA resident, decided to rob, oh, excuse me, stands accused of robbing a house in Berkeley County, WV.

–But that’s not the dumb part.  Ready for this?  He checked his Facebook account on the victim’s computer and left it logged in!  He apparently stole two diamond rings, in addition to some equipment from the garage.

–Because of his awesomeness, the police were able to nab him relatively easily and he could actually get up to 10 years for this.  STUPID CRIMINALS!!

THE WORLD’S TALLEST MAN IS NOW THE WORLD’S TALLEST DAD.  HOW BIG IS THE BABY???

At 7-foot 9-inches, 57-year-old BAO XISHUN holds the record as the world’s tallest man. Now, he’s the world’s tallest dad.

–Xishun’s wife XIA –who’s only 5-foot-6 –just gave birth to a 9-pound baby boy.  Doctors say the kid is slightly bigger than an average baby.  But, he doesn’t seem to have inherited his father’s record-breaking genes.

–Not yet anyway.  Xishun says he hopes the boy grows tall enough to at least play basketball.

A WOMAN IN BALTIMORE WAS BITTEN BY A POISONOUS COBRA IN A SHOPPING CENTER PARKING LOT:

I know you think you’ve probably “heard it all” by now, but here’s the thing:  You haven’t.

–Last Sunday night, an unidentified woman was walking through a shopping center parking lot in White Marsh, Maryland, outside Baltimore.  She says she bent down to pick up a stick . . . but it turned out to be a VENOMOUS MONOCLED COBRA.

–Sure enough, it bit her.  Authorities think it was a pet that somehow got loose, because there’s no way it could have survived outside in January weather.

–And while the venom of the Monocled Cobra is poisonous enough to instantly kill rodents, lizards and birds, to fix a human bite you just need the antivenom.  But you need to know exactly which kind of snake bit you.

–Luckily, the woman stuffed the snake in a bag and took it with her to the hospital.  Long story short, they choppered some antivenom in from the Philadelphia Zoo, and the woman is fine.  The snake was taken to a local zoo.

Just talked to meteorologist Jim Jaggers…the bad weather will start around noon, and we could get as much as a FOOT of snow!!! If you can stay home, you might want to because the drive home will be nasty!

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WHERE IS MY HEART

A 75 year old  women was recently widowed.

Well, she loved her husband so much she did not want to live without him….as a matter of fact, she wanted to make sure she WOULDN’T live without him…

So she called the doctor and said: “Doctor, where is your heart located?”

Her doctor said: “The heart is just below the Left Breast”

Suddenly he heard a loud gunshot!  He immediately sent an ambulance to her house.

When the paramedics arrived they found the lady on the floor…..she had shot herself in her left knee.

DID MADONNA SPEND A WHOLE WEEKEND WITH A-ROD???

As far as we know, MADONNA still has JESUS LUZ snowed into thinking he’s got it good by being her boy-toy.  But that hasn’t stopped her from sneaking around with other men whose moms she’s old enough to be.

–“Us Weekly” says Madonna spent the weekend of January 16th with ALEX RODRIGUEZ, at his home in Westchester County, New York.

–A so-called “source” says, quote, “She’s never been a one-man woman.  When she’s with a guy like Jesus, whom she takes care of, she doesn’t really respect him.”

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WHO IS RIHANNA BRINGING TO THE GRAMMYS THIS WEEKEND????

Last year, RIHANNA didn’t make it to the Grammys because, as you may recall, she was ASSAULTED by CHRIS BROWN the night before.  Rihanna IS going to the ceremony this Sunday.  But she’s going alone.

–She says, quote, “I’m going to the Grammys alone, as always!  Even when I was in a relationship, I always have gone alone.”

–Then she added, quote, “I’m still single, if that’s what you really want to ask!”

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TAYLOR SWIFT WILL NOT BE PART OF THE NEW “WE ARE THE WORLD”:

–Producer QUINCY JONES is rounding up artists to record their parts in Los Angeles on Monday . . . taking advantage of the fact that they’ll all be in town for Sunday night’s Grammys anyway.

–But Taylor is leaving for an Australian tour right after the ceremony, so you can count her out.

–Quincy won’t release a list of performers until he has everybody locked in.  But some names that have been mentioned so far include Will Smith, Jennifer Hudson, Miley Cyrus, Jason Mraz, Sheryl Crow, Mya, Sugarland and Justin Bieber.

–MICHAEL JACKSON’S vocals from the original “We Are the World” will be used.  And LIONEL RICHIE . . . who co-wrote the song with Michael back in the day . . . will also take part.

…44% of married guys over 50 have cheated on their wife!!!  What’s more is that 14% of them admit that they strayed more than once!!!!

….the latest victim of the poor economy?  Blonde hair!  Women are ditching their blonde highlights and going brunette because it’s cheaper!  While blonde hair has to be colored every four to six weeks, brunettes can wait nearly twice as long!

Tomorrow on the show…all the latest updates on schools closures, road conditions, and more starting at 5 am with Mike and Mandy!!!

A GUY CALLED 911 WHILE PINNED UNDERNEATH HIS CAR:

Two weeks ago, 21-year-old Brian Brown was tightening some bolts on the underside of his Chevy Camaro when the jack failed and the car came crashing down on top of him.  (!!!)

–Fortunately, Brian’s cell phone was within his reach, and he managed to call 911 while still pinned under the car.

–A few minutes later, two cops, an off-duty firefighter and another unidentified man were able to lift the car off of Brian’s chest, saving his life.

–Brian says, quote, “I thought I was going to lose my life . . . I just want to say thank you to them for helping me out.”

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A 100-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GRADUATED COLLEGE JUST ONE DAY BEFORE DYING:

Meet 100-year-old Harriet Ames of Concord, New Hampshire.

–In 1931, Harriet got her two-year teaching certificate from Keene Normal School, which is now called Keene State College.  And over the years, she took classes part-time at the University of New Hampshire.

–But Harriet stopped going to school in 1971 when she retired from teaching, and she never bothered to check if she had enough credits to get her bachelor’s degree.

–Well, it turns out she did.  And on Friday, Harriet finally received her diploma.  Then on Saturday, she died.

–According to Harriet’s daughter, Marjorie, quote, “She had what I call a ‘bucket list,’ and that was the last thing on it.”

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TRY TO SAVE AN ANIMAL FROM DYING AND WHAT DOES IT DO??  IT ATTACKS!!!

A swan in Germany had to be rescued by firefighters after it fell asleep in an icy river and became frozen in place.

–35-year-old HANNES LANGER spotted the bird trapped in the Aue River while he was out walking his dog.  Hannes said, “I wondered why it didn’t fly off when my dog spotted it and started barking – then I saw that it was actually frozen solid in the ice.”

–In the end, it took eight firemen to free the animal. To say “thank you,” the bird attacked the men as they released it.

ZSA ZSA GABOR was seen in public yesterday . . . for the first time in years.  Her husband was pushing her in a wheelchair.  She turns 93 on February 6th.  If you’re curious how Zsa Zsa looks today, here ya go:

(And now, on with the Dirt Alert!)

BRAD AND ANGELINA:  THE RANDOMS:

Here’s a quick summary of the BRAD PITT / ANGELINA JOLIE chaos of the past 24 hours.  What you choose to believe is up to you . . .

#1.)  “People” magazine says Brad and Angelina were actually having a quiet dinner together in Los Angeles when they first heard that story about how they’d hired divorce lawyers to sort out their breakup.

#2.)  “Us Weekly” says Angelina is getting resentful of Brad because he’s not doing enough to help her with their six kids.  And he makes the eggs too runny and burns things.

#3.) The “Star” tabloid claims that JENNIFER ANISTON is waiting in the wings, ready to step back in.  A so-called “source” says, quote, “The moment he and Angie make it official that they’ve called it quits, she’s ready to try again.”

(–Like we said, what you choose to believe is up to you.)

MARK KERRIGAN WON’T BE ABLE TO ATTEND HIS FATHER’S FUNERAL:

NANCY KERRIGAN’S brother MARK won’t make the funeral for their father, DANIEL KERRIGAN, today . . . because the Massachusetts Department of Corrections doesn’t allow prisoners to attend funerals.

–Mark was arrested Sunday for assault and battery, following a scuffle between Mark and Daniel that left Daniel dead.  (–It’s not clear what killed Daniel, but his wife claims it was a heart attack . . . and she doesn’t blame her son at all.)

COULD MICHAEL DOUGLAS’ SON GO TO PRISON FOR 10 YEARS?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS’ 31-year-old son CAMERON pleaded guilty yesterday to charges related to his part in a massive meth ring.  He copped to one count of possession with intent to distribute a controlled substance and one count of possession of heroin.

–He’s facing up to 10 years in prison.

New research shows that most dogs are as smart as 2-year old kids!! They can even consciously trick people into getting what they want! Does your dog do this?  How does he manipulate you?

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AND SO IT GOES

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario’s restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario’s because the food there is very good and the wine selection isn’t bad.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again agrees to meet at Mario’s because they have never been there before.

And so it goes . . . . . . .

…That our top fears have changed quite a bit in the past year.  They used to be:  snakes, spiders, and small spaces.  NOW they are: terrorism, flying, and financial ruin!!

…That what you post on facebook or twitter can hurt your credit since banks are now using social networking sites to decide whether you are worthier of a loan!

…The big rumor is that ABC has offered Paula Abdul a $1-million dollar development deal to put together her own show…on the condition that she appears on the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars!”

Tomorrow on the show…is your DOG smarter than your KID?  Details after the news at 8:00am!!

FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THIEF WHO TRIED TO SWALLOW THE EVIDENCE

A guy went into a jewelry store to sell a ring –a nice ring.  The jeweler became suspicious and called police.  When the cops arrived, the guy swallowed the ring.   So, they hauled him down to the station house for questioning.  During the questioning, the guy began having a coughing fit –he couldn’t control it.  Finally he hacked up a two-carat diamond ditty worth $20 grand.  Easiest arrest cops have made in a while.  (–Okay, did the cops say “all right cough it up, where’s the ring?)

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AN UPDATE ON THAT TORN PICASSO PAINTING THAT A LADY TRIPPED INTO OVER THE WEEKEND.  DOES SHE HAVE TO PAY?

A woman’s stumble into a Picasso may have stripped 65-million dollars from its value.  An unidentified woman left a six-inch tear into Picasso’s “The Actor” last Friday after losing her balance at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City.  An appraiser told the “New York Post” that he expects the painting to have lost at least half its value because of the damage.  The painting was previously valued at 130-million dollars.  It is 105 years old. The “New York Times” says experts are trying to figure out the best way to repair the painting in the museum’s conservation lab.

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STUPID PEOPLE!

In Australia, GUY GARDNER hit his ear against his truck and broke the headset of his phone. So he put it back together with superglue.  Then the phone rang.  He answers it!  After a 10 minute conversation with his boss, Gardner found himself with a earpiece glued into his ear.  It crossed his mind to use his pocket knife to improvise a little surgery but thought better of it. He used a spoon.  Ripped a few pieces of skin from his ear, which were stuck to the headset.  “Yes, it did hurt – but I guess I did hurt my pride much more than it did hurt my ear.”

Okay, Mike’s giving me a hard time about being happy that Calipari’s Kentucky team LOST to the unranked South Carolina Gamecocks last night. Come on! I can’t seriously be the only person who got a little joy out of that….am I? –Mandy

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A TRIP TO SCHNUCKS

I wanted to share my story with you about my recent trip to Schnucks.

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at Schnucks and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever, Maggie, had fresh air.

Maggie was laying down on the back seat and I wanted to make sure that she just stayed there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying, ‘Now you stay. Do you hear me?’

‘Stay! Stay!’

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, ‘Why don’t you just put it in park?

AND NOW,WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON THANKSGIVING NIGHT

Are you ready for the real story behind his Thanksgiving melt-down.  Turns out that Tiger got word that the National Enquirer was set to run a tell-all story about his sordid affairs and warned the missus, ELIN NORDEGREN, that it was all made-up and he met (Mistress #1) RACHEL UCHITEL only a few times at a social outing.  Mistah Cheetah ran damage control, convinced Rachel to chat with Elin, but the wife remained suspicious and did a little investigative work of her own by checking out his phone on Thanksgiving Day.  She reportedly waited ’til Tiger took an Ambien, text-messaged Rachel with love-filled messages like “I miss you” and got an unsavory response –”When are we seeing each other again?”  Another phone call was made, Rachel hung up on Elin, who allegedly abruptly awoke her hubby and chased him out of the house with a golf club before he crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree.

WILL PAULA ABDUL APPEAR ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS” THIS SEASON

The word is that ABC has offered Paula a $1 million development deal…presumably to put together her own show…on the condition that she appears on the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars”, which premieres March 22nd.  It’s not really clear whether they’re asking her to be a dancer or a judge.  (Although it’s possible that they’d be cool with EITHER.) TMZ also says the deal would allow Paula to do SIMON COWELL’S ‘The X Factor’, which is hitting the airwaves next year.  (Paula is allegedly in talks with Simon to judge…but yet again, there’s been no confirmation.) There’s no comment from ABC.

DENISE RICHARDS SAYS CHARLIE SHEEN NEVER HIT HER:

Charlie’s ex-wife, DENISE RICHARDS, was on “Oprah” today.  And she didn’t pass up the opportunity to hand out a gentle I-told-you-so.  She said, quote, “It’s sad.  Perhaps people can understand what I went through.”  She said Charlie never hit her, but he had, quote, “a very sharp tongue.”  She added that she and Charlie had, quote, “heated arguments that scarred.”  But she did add that she and Charlie are now in, quote, “a great place.”  Denise has two daughters with Charlie…5-year-old Sam and 4-year-old Lola.  And she didn’t want to tell them what happened to their dad over Christmas, but she kind of had to.  See, somebody in Sam’s kindergarten class told her she’d heard that her dad was in jail.  Meanwhile, the not-always-reliable British tabloids say that Brad has purchased a MILLION-DOLLAR BACHELOR PAD in the Hollywood Hills.  It has a bar.

NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS FROM DRINKING ON THE JOB.

–An actor in Germany got a little too “Method” during one of his stage performances.  In order to play a convincing Russian drunk, Marc Schulze decided to down real vodka shots during the course of the show.

–It worked well for a while, and the audience was really impressed.  “I was amazed at how good his drunken staggering was and how he was slurring his words,” one theater-goer said.  But they realized something was wrong when he started missing his lines altogether and staring dumbly at his fellow actors.  Then he passed out!

–The 36-year-old had to be rushed to the hospital and has been ordered by producers to stick to water in future shows.  Guess Schulze felt his method was worth a shot…or two, or three, or four.

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ONE IN TEN GUYS USE THEIR GIRLFRIEND’S BEAUTY PRODUCTS:

This survey took place in the UK, and we’re really not sure if the results would be similar here.  But we’d be interested in finding out.

–According to a recent survey, ONE in TEN guys admit they sometimes use their girlfriend’s beauty products, including facial cream, deodorant, makeup like foundation and concealer . . . and nail polish.  And ONE in FIVE admits he sometimes uses women’s lip gloss.

–But more than ONE in THREE say they keep it a secret from their lady.

(–Okay ladies, have you noticed your man using your beauty products?  And are we talking about using hair conditioner?  We won’t make fun of him!! . . .)

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A MAILMAN GOT $3,000 FROM THE PEOPLE ON HIS ROUTE TO VISIT HIS FAMILY IN HAITI . . . BUT THE POST OFFICE WON’T LET HIM ACCEPT IT:

A few years ago, Pierre Laguerre came to the United States from Haiti, and now he works as a mail carrier in New Hope, Pennsylvania.

–Like many Haitian natives, Pierre lost several family members in the earthquake earlier this month, including his younger brother and his uncle.  And his mother is hanging on by a thread.

–Anyway, Pierre wanted to visit his family members back in Haiti, and bring them medical supplies and other stuff . . . but he couldn’t afford it.  So the people on his mail route all got together and collected $3,000 to cover Pierre’s travel expenses.

–The only problem is Pierre can’t accept it.

–That’s because the U.S. Postal Service has a policy banning its carriers from accepting cash gifts.  And according to the city Postmaster, it doesn’t even matter that Pierre didn’t ask for the money . . . he’s still not allowed to accept it.

–Now, some of the people on Pierre’s route have taken his case to local leaders to try and get an exception.  It’s not clear whether it’s going to work.

NANCY KERRIGAN’S BROTHER MAY HAVE KILLED THEIR FATHER:

–Police in Stoneham, Massachusetts rushed to the Kerrigan household early Sunday morning, after receiving a call about an unresponsive man.  That man was Nancy’s father, 70-year-old Daniel Kerrigan.

–When police arrived they learned there had been some kind of dispute between Daniel and his 45-year-old son Mark . . . who also lives at the house.  And they found blood in the kitchen.

–Police ended up arresting Mark, but he didn’t go quietly.  Mark was belligerent and possibly intoxicated, and he had to be subdued with PEPPER SPRAY.

–Police have yet to reveal the cause of death.

–Mark had been living in his parents’ basement after serving some jail time on assault and battery charges.  Nancy has yet to comment.

A WOMAN FAINTED ON THE “PRICE IS RIGHT!”

A woman FAINTED on “The Price Is Right” yesterday.  It happened when her showcase prizes were being revealed.  She was pumped when she heard about a trip to Minneapolis . . . but she hit the ground when she saw the new car. 

–She was OK . . . and she later ended up WINNING.

AND NOW, A MOMENT WITH “LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRACK,”  STARRING DIDDYS 16-YEAR-OLD SON:

The extravagant 16th birthday party that DIDDY threw for his son, Justin, went down in New York City on Saturday night . . . and the kid made out well.

–Diddy asked guests . . . some of whom were minor celebrities . . . to donate to Haiti instead of bringing presents, but he didn’t follow his own advice.

–Diddy gave Justin a brand new, silver Maybach . . . worth about $360,000 . . . plus a $10,000 check to open a bank account.  Justin then announced that he’d be donating the check to WYCLEF JEAN’S Haiti charity.

–The Maybach is staying with Justin, naturally.

(–Footage from the party will appear in an upcoming episode of MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16″.)

BIGGER IN TEXAS

A Texas business man walks into a New York City bar and orders a round for the house.

The bartender says to him, “That’s nice of you mister, what’s the occasion?”

The Texan says, “My wife back in Texas just delivered a 20 pound baby boy!!”

The bartender is amazed and says, “That’s incredible! That’s the biggest baby I’ve ever heard of!”

“Well,” says the Texan, “everything’s bigger in Texas.”

The next night the Texan walks into the same bar and the bartender asks him, “How’s that 20 pound baby doing?”

To which he replies, “Great but he only weighs 15 pounds now.”

The bartender says. “How in the world did he loose 5 pounds overnight?”

The Texan, grinning widely, says, “We had him circumcised”

…that it’ll be the Saints and the Colts in Super Bowl 44!!!  Currently, the line is the Colts by 5!

…that “New Car Smell” can kill you…and the car with the highest levels of toxins in its “New Car Smell” is the Chevy Aveo!

…some lady in New York City tripped at the Metropolitan Museum of Art….and tore a 6-inch hole in a Picasso painting worth $130-million dollars!!

Tomorrow on the show…we know your computer password!  Details with Mike and Mandy…on WRVR, 104.5, the RIVER!

BURGER KING IS GOING TO START SELLING BEER AT SELECTED RESTAURANTS:

If there are two things Americans love, it’s fast food and cheap beer.  So I suppose it was only a matter of time before THIS happened . . .

–On Friday, Burger King announced they’re going to start selling BEER at select locations around the country.  (!!!)

–According to company officials, certain Burger King restaurants are going to be outfitted with Whopper Bars, which will offer an assortment of burgers and toppings.  More importantly, they’ll also be selling Anheuser-Busch and MillerCoors brand beer.

–Bottles of beer will sell for $4.25 apiece.  Or if you prefer, you can get a Whopper Value Meal with beer instead of soda for $7.99.  That’s about $2 more than it would cost if you got a Coke.

–The first Whopper Bar with beer is set to open next month in Miami Beach.  And Burger King officials say they’ll expand the program to restaurants in New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas as well.

(–In other words, now you can indulge your junk food habit and your alcohol addiction without making two stops.  God bless the U.S.A.)

TIME FOR STUPID CRIMINALS!!!

A burglar in Poland had his life of crime put on ice –literally.

–48-year-old JERZY JANCEWICZ was spotted by security guards trying to break into an office building.  That’s when he took off running.  Cops were tipped off that Jerzy had gone into hiding at his girlfriend’s apartment.

–But, when they arrived they couldn’t find him.  But, just as the officers were leaving, they heard a loud sneeze coming from the kitchen. That’s when they found Jerzy hiding in the icebox.

–Police aren’t sure how he managed to fit inside or how long he was in there.  But, by the time they pulled him out, he was freezing and sneezing. They gave him a box of tissues and took him to jail.

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SOME LADY ACCIDENTALLY RIPPED A HOLE IN A 100-YEAR-OLD PICASSO PAINTING:

If you’re coming off one of those weekends where nothing seems to go your way, look at it this way:  At least you’re not THIS lady . . .

–On Friday, an unidentified woman was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City when she accidentally tripped and tore a six-inch gash in a 100-year-old PABLO PICASSO painting called “The Actor”.

–The tear is in the lower right corner of the painting, which is six-foot four-inches tall.  It’s unclear whether she’ll have to pay for repairs.

(–Check out a photo of Picasso’s “The Actor” here . . .)

ORDERING AT A BAR

So a guy walks into a bar and says “Line up 4 shots of Tequila, 2 shots of Whiskey, and 2 Giant Beers.”

As the bartender is pouring the shots the man starts pounding all the drinks one after another, about half way thru the shots the bartender asks, “Why are you drinking so fast?”

The man replies, “You would drink this fast if you had what I have.”

The bartender asks as the man finishes’ all the drinks, “What do you have?”

The man says, “About $0.50 cents.” and runs out.