WAIT UNTIL YOU MEET THE FATTEST NON-HUMAN PRIMATE!

It’s not just people that keep getting fatter –animals are becoming obese too.

–An overweight orangutan in England has been put on an extreme all-veggie diet.  Experts say the 220-pound primate weighs twice as much as a normal, healthy orangutan.  That officially makes OSHINE Britain’s fattest non-human primate.

–Zookeepers at the Monkey World Ape Rescue Center say Oshine picked up all the extra baggage during a 13-year stint as a pet in South Africa. Apparently, she ate all the wrong foods, and lots of it.

.

A WOMAN’S RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS AT A GROCERY STORE TURNS INTO $100,000 FOR CHARITY:

Last summer, Carolee Hazard of Menlo Park, California, was in line to buy groceries at Trader Joe’s.  The woman in front of her was named Jenni Ware, and Jenni had forgotten her wallet.

–So Carolee decided to help Jenni out…even though she was a total stranger…and paid for all $207 of Jenni’s groceries.

–The next day, Jenni paid Carolee back…but gave her $300, or $93 more than Carolee had spent on her.  So Carolee went to Facebook and asked her friends what she should do with the extra money.

–Some people suggested charity.  So she decided to match the $93 with $93 of her own, and donated $186 to the local Second Harvest Food Bank.  She told her Facebook friends that was her plan.

–One friend decided to match the $93.  Then another.  Then another.  Within a year, Carolee’s “93 Dollar Club” had raised more than $100,000 to donate to the food bank.

–Now, she’s going to push to raise $200,000.  Quote, “That amount will provide 400,000 meals or enough to feed 100 families of four for a year.”

.

MOM, DAD, IF YOU’RE DRIVING WITH YOUR KIDS, ASK THEM, “DO YOU KNOW COL. SANDERS?”  WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT THEY DON’T KNOW?

Look, I understand that today’s young people don’t know their history very well. They think Samuel Adams is a beer and “Nazi” is just a generic term to describe anyone who’s mean to you.  We get it.

–But THIS lack of knowledge is just shocking and appalling.  According to a new survey by KFC, more than 60% of people aged 18 to 25 have no idea who the guy is in the KFC logo.  That’s right:  They don’t recognize COLONEL SANDERS.

–In case you’re one of the people who don’t know, KFC was founded by COLONEL HARLAND SANDERS.  And yes, he did have white hair, a white beard, a white suit, black glasses, and a string tie.

–He developed his recipe for fried chicken around age 40, franchised his restaurants at age 65, and sold his company at age 74.  He died at age 90…and he would’ve turned 120 years old yesterday.

OLE MISS JOKE

What size battery does it take to shock Ole Miss?

AA

Jacksonville State who??

• TOM BRADY was involved in a pretty bad car accident yesterday morning in Boston, but he’s okay.  One of the other people involved wasn’t so lucky, though.

• Tom’s Audi collided with a minivan at an intersection shortly before 7:00 A.M.  The driver of the van was okay, but a 49-year-old male passenger was knocked unconscious.

• He had to be removed with the JAWS OF LIFE and taken to the hospital.  His injuries were said to be serious, but not life-threatening.

• The accident was NOT Tom’s fault.  The van driver ran a red light and crossed in front of Tom, who had the green.  Tom even tried to swerve to get out of his way.

• It turns out this guy…the 21-year-old son of the man who was hospitalized…has multiple moving violations on his record, and he’s had his license suspended at least FIVE TIMES in the last three years.

• Brady was well enough to practice with the Patriots yesterday afternoon, and nobody’s saying anything about him missing their opening game on Sunday at home against the Bengals.

(–TMZ posted some video from right after the accident… WARNING!!!  This video is slightly graphic.  You can see the unconscious man, and there’s a little bit of blood on his head . . Check it out here:)

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=1871f0e8-5e0b-4ed7-a76a-8bc5f5d91240&isShareURL=true

(–And here are some pictures . . .)

(–Brady got some GOOD news later in the day yesterday.  He signed a four-year contract extension with the Patriots.  The deal is worth $72 million…and $48.5 million of that is guaranteed salary.)

(–That makes Tom the highest-paid player in NFL history.)

CAN A HUMAN WITHSTAND BEING STUNG 500 TIMES BY WASPS?

A Boston-area woman is lucky to be alive after being attacked by a swarm of wasps.

The unidentified 53-year-old was found almost unconscious near her house over the weekend.  Rescuers confirmed she was stung over 500-times by the yellow jackets.  A spokesperson said, “We’ve had some minor stings and a handful of bees before, but nothing to that extent.”

–Firefighters were able to get most of the insects off of her by spraying them with a carbon dioxide fire extinguisher.  But, there were so many wasps that a few were found still hiding in her clothing later that night at the emergency room.

WHO’S THE BOSS IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

A woman in Florida is marrying the man who once fired her from her job!

–Kelly Irish was terminated from the West Winds Assisted Living Facility in 2007 by a boss she barely knew.  She was crushed at the time, but moved on with her life.

–One night, nearly a year after she was fired, she entered her name on a dating site and took a personality test in the hopes of finding her “perfect match.”  When she saw the results, she was mortified.  It was Casey O’Keefe, the same man who fired her!

–They started dating despite their past, and now they’ll be getting hitched at the same facility where they met. I rish eventually did get her job back.

IMAGINE A SIGN AT A RESTAUARANT THAT SAYS, “SCREAMING CHILDREN WILL NOT BE TOLERATED”

–Brenda Armes is the owner of Olde Salty in Carolina Beach, and she was sick of people bringing in their loud, annoying, undisciplined children and ruining everyone else’s meals.  So she decided to BAN screaming children from her restaurant.

–There are two signs in the window now that read, quote, “Screaming Children WILL NOT Be Tolerated” and “Notice to all children and adults.  There will be no crying, screaming, whining.”

–Of course, anytime you mess with people’s kids, there’s going to be some blowback.  Several people have complained about the policy and think it’s unfair or discriminatory.

–But Brenda says that, so far, it’s been a GREAT business move.  Quote, “It’s brought us in more customers than it has ever kept away.”

–If someone brings a child to Olde Salty and the kid starts screaming, a manager will come over and ask the parent to take the kid outside until he calms down.  Once he does, they can go back inside and keep eating;  they won’t be kicked out.

IS KAT VON D PREGNANT???

This would REALLY be a slap in SANDRA BULLOCK’S face . . . and it comes from “Us Weekly”, so it’s probably not true . . .

–So-called “sources” are starting to wonder if KAT VON D is pregnant with JESSE JAMES’ baby.

–Supposedly, she’s been showing a slight belly-bump lately…and people are wondering if that’s why Kat and Jesse came out so suddenly and so enthusiastically about their relationship.

SNOOKI GOT OFF EASY IN HER DISORDERLY CONDUCT CASE . . . AFTER FIRST BEING *BERATED* BY THE JUDGE:

“Jersey Shore” party animal SNOOKI was in court yesterday . . . answering to misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct, being a public nuisance, and criminally annoying others.  (–And no, that’s not a joke.  That’s a real criminal charge.)

–Snooki was looking at a maximum sentence of $3,200 in fines and 90 days in jail . . . but she got off easy.

–But not before being BERATED by Judge DAMIAN MURRAY.  He said, quote, “Your actions . . . I don’t know . . . you seem to be acting like a LINDSAY LOHAN wannabe.  Going through life rude, profane, obnoxious and self-indulgent . . . it’s not the way you want to live your life. And hopefully this incident will impress upon you that there are consequences to your actions.”

(–You can watch video of Judge Murray’s lecture, here . . .)

–Snooki was slapped with a $533 fine . . . and two days of community service with local animal control. 

.

RODNEY ALLEN RIPPY IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION FOLLOWING A DIRT BIKE CRASH:

Remember RODNEY ALLEN RIPPY . . . the adorable kid who did a series of TV ads for the Jack in the Box fast food chain back in the ’70s?

–Well, Rodney is 42 years old now . . . and in CRITICAL CONDITION following a dirt bike accident in North Carolina.

–The accident happened on Monday, but Rodney didn’t go to the hospital until yesterday, when he started having trouble breathing.  Turns out he suffered a punctured lung and several broken ribs.

–There’s no further word on his condition, but TMZ says he’s, quote, “recovering” in the trauma unit . . . so we’re assuming he’s getting better.

(–Here’s one of Rodney’s CLASSIC commercials . . .)

CLINT EASTWOOD COULD HAVE BEEN SUPERMAN *AND* JAMES BOND IF HE’D WANTED TO:

CLINT EASTWOOD can do anything.  We know this.  But would you have accepted him as Superman or James Bond?  Because he was offered both parts back in the ’70s, and he turned them down.

–He didn’t say why he opted out of “Superman”.  But he explained why he said no to Bond . . . quote, “I was offered pretty good money . . . This was after SEAN CONNERY left.  My lawyer came and said, ‘They would love to have you.’

–”But to me, well, that was somebody else’s gig.  That’s Sean’s deal.  It didn’t feel right for me to be doing it.”

HAPPINESS

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. His face was covered with wrinkles, his hands trembled as he held the newspaper in his lap.  His graying hair falling into his eyes….but, he had a huge smile on his face.

“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said.

“What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

Every Wednesday at 8:40, Guardian Angel Pet Rescue joins the Mike and Mandy show to showcase a special animal that needs a good home.

This week’s featured pets is Bing Bing.

Bing Bing is a 2 year old, 26 lb. Collie mix that prefers the ladies. He loves attention and petting, but also likes to have some quiet time. He was rescued ( with the owner’s permission)from a multi-dog home where due to his owner’s severe illness, the dogs were being left in the yard uncared for, except for some neighbors giving them some food and water. He had heart worms but has had all treatments, and is now on the monthly prevention pills. He has been neutered and is current on all immunizations and his monthly flea topical application. He prefers to be an inside dog, but can manage in a yard, as long as he gets regular attention.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

STUPID CRIMINALS!

Last week, the police in Naperville, Illinois, pulled over 24-year-old Lucas Wright in his 2006 Honda Accord.  Lucas was doing ONE HUNDRED miles-an-hour in a 50 mph zone.  And he gave them a perfectly logical explanation…at least in his eyes.

–The police say that Lucas told them, quote, “He’d just gotten his car washed and he was trying to dry it off.”  And he wasn’t lying…when they checked out his car, it was, in fact, wet.  And it was still drying when they impounded it and towed it away.

–Lucas was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor for going 40 miles-per-hour or more over the posted limit.

.

IS YOUR GRANDMA A ROBBER???

This grandma isn’t the type to sit home and knit.  She’s more the type to join her grandson on a burglary spree.

–Lee Pires, 57, her grandson Adrian Martin, 21, and his pal Timothy Morrison, 19, were accused of stealing $9,000 worth of jewelry, cash and electronics over a span of three days in Massachusetts.

–Cops arrested the grandson after following the vehicle believed to be involved in the break-ins to a computer repair store.

–Pires and Morrison were arrested inside the store.  About 95 percent of the stolen items were returned. As for Granny, she’ll have to spend some time in jail.(–Maybe she can take up knitting!)

.

STUPID WAYS TO DIE

In a classic case of ‘famous last words’, a man fell to his death after asking friends to count how long he could hold on to a balcony railing.

–26-year-year-old KEVIN LOUIS was vacationing on the Spanish island of Majorca. Witnesses confirm he purposely climbed over the railing before plunging 30-feet to the ground below.

–Friends say it happened so fast, they didn’t have time to talk him out of it.  Police say alcohol was probably a factor.

CRAFTY WISHES

A woman finds a genie’s lamp. The Genie comes out and says, “You may have 3 wishes, but your husband will get 10 times more than what you wished for.”

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world.

“You realize,” the Genie said, “that your husband will be 10 times more beautiful than you?

“That’s okay,” says the woman, “He’ll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful woman.”

So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world.

“You know your husband will be 10 times richer, right?” the Genie asks.

“That’s okay. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine,” replied the woman.

So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish.

She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

BILLY RAY CYRUS IS GOING TO DO ANOTHER SHOW WITH ANOTHER ONE OF HIS KIDS:

BILLY RAY CYRUS is moving on to do another TV show with another one of his kids.

(–I’m going to pause so you can say to yourself, “Now that he’s milked everything he can from MILEY.”)

–Billy Ray and his 21-year-old son TRACE…who’s in that band METRO STATION…are doing a documentary-style show for the SyFy channel where they investigate all kinds of weird and unexplained phenomena.

–It’ll be called “UFO:  Unbelievably Freakin’ Obvious”.  (???) There’s no word yet on a premiere date.

(–Trace is not Billy Ray’s biological son.  He’s from the FIRST marriage of BILLY RAY’S wife TISH.  Billy Ray adopted him, which makes him Miley’s half-brother.)

.

DAVID LETTERMAN USED HIS APPEARANCE ON “THE VIEW” TO REVEAL…THAT HE WANTS TO HAVE MORE KIDS:

DAVID LETTERMAN made his first appearance on “The View” yesterday…and during the interview, he mentioned that he’d like to have more children.

–He said, quote, “I feel in every important way, your life doesn’t really begin until you’ve had kids.  I would like to have more kids.”

–By that logic, Letterman’s life began in 2003 when his son Harry was born.  But in REALITY, his life began in 1947…over 63 YEARS AGO.

.

PARIS

Here’s a shocker –PARIS HILTON got the diva treatment when she was booked into a Sin City jail on felony cocaine charges.

–Police Deputy Chief JIM DIXON admitted to the Las Vegas Review-Journal that there would have been some serious disruptions if he’d let the heiress hang out with regular inmates, so Paris was escorted into an isolated cell.

–Paris will head back to Nevada on October 27th for arraignment and was released on her own recognizance.

WHO’S THE HIGHEST-PAID ATHLETE EVER…JORDAN?  TIGER?  OR A SECOND CENTURY ROMAN CHARIOT RACER?

–Peter Struck is an associate professor of classical studies at the University of Pennsylvania, and he says he’s figured out the richest athlete ever.  And it’s not TIGER WOODS, MICHAEL JORDAN…or anyone you’ve ever heard of.

–No, the richest athlete ever is…a Roman chariot racer named Gaius Appuleius Diocles.  (–That would be “GUY-us  Ah-POO-lee-us  DIE-ah-klees”.)

–Between 122 and 164 A.D., Gaius was the best charioteer in the world.  Ancient records have shown that his career winnings…measured in ancient Roman coins…comes to 35,863,120 sesterces (–SESS-turr-seez.)

–Struck says, quote, “By today’s standards that…would cash out to about $15 BILLION.”

–It would’ve been enough money to provide grain to the entire population of Rome for a full year, or fund the gigantic Roman Army for more than two months.

THE AVERAGE MAN WASTES $3,000 IN GAS IN HIS LIFETIME BY NOT ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS:

I thought that old stereotype that men never ask for directions was obsolete…with GPS?  Apparently guys, you’re not QUITE there yet.

–A survey by a British insurance company found that the average man drives around lost for 276 miles every YEAR.  And, over the course of his lifetime, he wastes $3,000 in gas by refusing to ask for directions.

–The survey found that 74% of women will happily ask for directions when they’re lost, versus just 30% of men.

–40% of men say that if they do give in and ask a stranger for directions, sometimes they ignore those directions and just keep on driving anyway.

FOLLOW-UP:  THE WOMAN WHOSE CAR BROKE A MAN’S 39-STORY FALL AND SAVED HIS LIFE…IS DEVASTATED THAT HER CAR IS RUINED:

Yesterday, we told you about 22-year-old Thomas McGill of Manhattan.  He’s the guy who allegedly tried to commit suicide by jumping off a 39-STORY high rise…but ended up crashing through a car on the street and SURVIVING.

–Well…that car was a 2008 Dodge Charger that belonged to 42-year-old Maria McCormack from Old Bridge, New Jersey, and she let her husband drive it into New York City for his job.

–And she’s MAD.  Because, sure, she saved a guy’s life…but she LOVED that car.

–Quote, “I miss it.  It’s my baby.  I want to meet [Thomas] and say, ‘Why?  Why my car out of all the cars in the city?’”

–The car was basically destroyed by Thomas’s fall…at one point he was falling at more than 126 miles-per-hour…and Maria’s insurance company is going to rule it a total loss.

–Thomas is still in the hospital.

INFINITE WISDOM

An angel appeared at a faculty meeting and told the dean of a college that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him….his choice of…infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom.

Done!” said the angel and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Then all heads turned toward the dean who sat surrounded by a faint halo of light. He seemed stunned and shocked as a cloud of silence encompassed the room.

One of his colleagues leaned over and whispered to him, “Say something.”

The dean, now filled with infinite wisdom said, “I should have taken the money.”

TIGER WOODS IS SPENDING MONEY LIKE IT’S GOING OUT OF STYLE

TIGER WOODS may not be at the top of his game, but is still spending money like it’s going out of style.

–TMZ.com reports the philandering golfer took out a 54-million-dollar mortgage for a new property on Jupiter Island, Florida.  It’s a short-term loan, legal documents claim he’ll pay off the note in early 2016. –Tiger’s new bachelor pad sounds pretty posh –it boasts a fitness center, tennis court, multiple pools and even an oxygen therapy room.

PARIS HILTON OWNS A PURSE JUST LIKE THE ONE SHE TOLD POLICE WASN’T HERS:

When cocaine fell out of PARIS HILTON’S purse and into the hands of a Las Vegas Police officer, Paris told the cop that the coke…and the purse…weren’t hers.

–But back in July, Paris Tweeted about an awesome new Chanel purse she’d just bought.  She also posted a picture of it.

–And wouldn’t you know…it happens to look EXACTLY LIKE the one she was carrying in Vegas last Friday.  (–Here’s a picture Paris Tweeted of her Chanel purse a month and a half ago…along with a picture from Paris’ arrest, in which it looks like she MIGHT be holding the same purse . . .)

JENNIFER LOPEZ’S “AMERICAN IDOL” DEAL IS, QUOTE, “IMMINENT”:

On July 30th, it sounded like a DONE DEAL that JENNIFER LOPEZ would replace ELLEN DEGENERES on “American Idol”.

–Since then, we’ve run the gamut:

–She’s in…maybe she’s not in…she’s in again…no one is in…she’s out because she’s SUCH A DIVA…and on and on and on.

–TMZ is now in Week Five of covering…whatever this is…and they’re reporting that Jennifer’s “Idol” deal is, quote, “imminent.”

–Supposedly, she’s in the “final stages” of negotiations…and it’s “all but a done deal”…and that unless there’s a “last-minute snag,” the deal could be closed by early next week.

(–”American Idol” will likely officially announce all their judges sometime next week.)

STUPID ALASKAN TRICKS

In the Alaskan tundra, sled dogs aren’t just for sledding anymore.

–A nine-year-old girl was spotted water-skiing while being pulled by a dog-team. The girl was in the water, while the dogs pulled her from the nearby shoreline.

–The spectacle took place as part of a local event known as Stupid Alaskan Tricks.  Other tricks included Alaskan muktuk speed-eating and a guy who sliced a wooden bust of SARAH PALIN in half with a chainsaw.

–But, probably the stupidest Alaskan trick of all was performed by a film crew.  They caught the entire event on camera and now they hope to sell the show to a major network.

A MAN IN NEW YORK JUMPS OFF A 39-STORY BUILDING…LANDS ON A CAR…AND SURVIVES:

Apparently, God has big plans for 22-year-old Thomas Magill of Manhattan, New York.

–On Monday, Thomas jumped off a 39-story high rise in Manhattan.  By the time he was close to the ground he was falling at 126 miles-per-hour.  And…HE SURVIVED.

–A 40-year-old named Guy McCormack had just parked his wife’s Dodge Charger right in front of the building.  So Thomas didn’t hit the pavement…he crashed through the back windshield of the Charger and landed in the backseat instead.

–And thanks to the Charger, he didn’t die.  In fact, all things considered, he got out of there cheap…with only a broken leg, a shattered ankle and a collapsed lung.  He’s in critical condition, but it looks like he’s going to pull through.

–Apparently, he had posted something on Facebook beforehand saying, quote, “I hate my life”…so it looks like it was a suicide attempt.

(–Here are some photos of the Dodge Charger from the scene . . .)

MORE AND MORE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE THROWING SEX PARTIES!  DOESN’T SOUND VERY “FAMILY FRIENDLY” DOES IT?  BUT IT IS!  FIND OUT IN 15 MINUTES!

When we saw a story today that says more and more young couples around the U.S. are throwing SEX PARTIES, we got excited.  Then disappointed, when we found out the truth.

–These new “sex parties” are when expectant parents invite a bunch of people over to announce the gender of their baby.  Usually, even THEY don’t know the sex beforehand…and open the envelope to find out in front of everyone.

(–Sounds like an excuse to either get even MORE gifts for your baby.)

EERIE PICTURES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE:  JULIA ROBERTS DOESN’T SHAVE HER PITS:

Some bikini shots of Julia Roberts hit the web yesterday, and for a woman in her 40’s, she looks great.  Except for the fact that she doesn’t shave her arm pits.   (–This isn’t the first time Julia has gone without shaving her armpits.  Check out the bikini pic, plus an old shot of Julia with hairy pits from 1999 . . .)

.

JERRY LEWIS WANTS TO PUNCH LINDSAY LOHAN IN THE MOUTH:

JERRY LEWIS is a bona fide Hollywood legend.  So perhaps it’s time to turn to him for advice on how to handle LINDSAY LOHAN, PARIS HILTON and the rest of their kind.

–Jerry…who’s 84 years old…has the solution.

–He says, quote, “I would smack [Lindsay] in the mouth if I saw her…I would say, ‘You deserve this and nothing else;  whack!’  And then if she’s not satisfied, I’d put her over my knee and spank her.

–”The same thing with Paris Hilton.  Those children are begging for help.  What they’re doing is saying…’Can you please help me?’  When people who have celebrity give nothing in return, they need a spanking and a reprimand.”

PARIS HILTON IS BANNED FROM THE WYNN PROPERTIES:

PARIS HILTON has been BANNED from the Wynn properties in Las Vegas.  Wynn has two resorts…The Wynn Las Vegas and Encore.

–Paris’ boyfriend, Cy Waits, WAS the head of nightclub operations for both joints.  But he was FIRED after he and Paris were arrested on the Las Vegas Strip last Friday night.

(–Waits was booked on suspicion of DUI, but he hasn’t actually been charged yet.  Paris was charged with FELONY cocaine possession.)

–Meanwhile…“USA Today” says that a cop who searched the Escalade that Paris and Cy were in that night found a SPENT DOOBIE.

WOMEN TALK MORE THAN MEN

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day – thirty thousand compared with a man’s fifteen thousand.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.”

The husband turned to her and asked, “What?”

Every Wednesday at 8:40, Guardian Angel Pet Rescue joins the Mike and Mandy show to showcase a special animal that needs a good home.

This week’s featured pets are Jessie and Jennie.

Jessie and Jennie are two 5-6 year old Chiweenies. They were put in a dropbox at a Shelter in Louisiana and they contacted us and asked if we could help them. They are adorable! They are both a chocolate brown color with Jennie being the lighter one. We are assuming they have always been together – siblings or a breeding pair or both. So, we will be adopting them together. They MUST go as a pair and would prefer they be the only dogs and go to a home with no small children. They are not bad with children, but we just prefer children to be at least over 12. They both have wonderful temperaments, little boy can be a little territorial with other small male dogs. They are heartworm negative, up-to-date on vaccinations, and both have been altered. They are crate-trained and housebroken.

If you would like to adopt this week’s dog…please click here to fill out an electronic adoption form.

For more information on Guardian Angel Pet Rescue, please visit their website by clicking here.

A TEENAGER’S BIKE IS STOLEN…WHILE *HE* TRIES TO SELL A STOLEN VIOLIN:

It’s rare that you see justice being served SO quickly…like this.  Last Thursday, two 17-year-olds from Santa Cruz, California, broke into a car and stole a violin.  Their names haven’t been released because they’re juveniles.

–They took the stolen bike over to a music shop to try to sell it.  Employees there got suspicious and called the police.

–The police came to the store and, while they were arresting the boys, that’s when INSTANT KARMA kicked in…and one of the guys’ bikes was STOLEN from outside.  The violin was returned to its owner…but the stolen bike wasn’t found.

STUPID CRIMINALS!!

Our STUPID CRIMINAL is also a nominee for Eligible Bachelor of the Month.  (–I kid.)

–After getting arrested for choking a woman, 32-year-old JANUSZ OWCA, used his one call while in custody to phone her and threaten to kill her.

–AND he was already on probation for a domestic violence conviction last month.

(STUPID CRIMINALS!)

–Mr Sauve is being held on $350-thousand bail.

A GOLFER HITS ONE BAD CHIP SHOT…AND STARTS A 12-ACRE BRUSH FIRE:

No matter how bad your golf game is at least your lack of skills has never led to THIS.

–Over the weekend, a golfer at the Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine, California, was trying to chip his ball out of the rough…and his swing ended up starting a 12-ACRE BRUSH FIRE.

–The golfer…whose name wasn’t released…accidentally hit a rock as he tried to chip his ball out of some dry brush and grass.  The club hitting the rock caused a spark, which ignited the brush…and set TWO whole hillsides on fire.

–Between 150 and 200 firefighters were called in, and helicopters and fire crews on the ground used thousands of gallons of water to put out the fire in about seven hours.

–There was no property damage or injuries reported and it doesn’t appear that the golfer will be held responsible for the fire.

Bad relationships

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives.

One said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

SNOOKI SAID NO TO HER BOYFRIEND’S MAGAZINE COVER MARRIAGE PROPOSAL:

Jeff Miranda has been rejected.  Publicly.  But that’s what you get for proposing to your girlfriend on the cover of a national magazine.

–SNOOKI has decided NOT to marry Jeff, after he proposed in “Steppin’ Out” magazine.

–She posted the following yesterday on Twitter . . . quote, “Just want to set the record straight.  I’m single and I’m not going to get married.”

.

WHAT ARE THE REAL CHANCES MICHAEL DOUGLAS WILL BEAT THROAT CANCER??

In a new interview with “People” magazine, MICHAEL DOUGLAS says, quote, “I’ll beat this” . . . referring, of course, to his throat cancer.

–Michael will undergo eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy . . . (–he’s already completed his first week) . . . and doctors have said they expect him to make a full recovery.

–But he probably won’t be available to help promote the “Wall Street” sequel, “Wall Street:  Money Never Sleeps”.

(–It hits theaters on September 24th.)

–Meanwhile, on last night’s “Letterman”, Michael admitted that the cancer is at STAGE 4 . . . which is bad.  But it hasn’t spread down below his throat, which is good.  He claims he has an 80% chance of recovery.

.

TROY POLAMALU’S HAIR HAS BEEN INSURED FOR $1 MILLION:

The long, luxurious locks of Pittsburgh Steelers safety TROY POLAMALU have their very own insurance policy.  Literally.

–As you probably know, Troy is a spokesman for Head & Shoulders.  Well, the company has taken out a $1 MILLION policy on Troy’s hair… just in case something should happen to it during the season.

–Head & Shoulders says that Troy’s sexy hair is so thick that it’s strong enough to hold 24,062 pounds… and if you laid it out end-to-end it would span 1,100 football fields.

(–Troy hasn’t cut his hair in SEVEN YEARS.  For those of you who may not have seen it, here’s a look at Troy’s unstoppable hair outside his helmet…)